Le bande de main verte

When I was in school at the age of 14 I caused the following bizarre chain of events to materialize. I could never say why, suicidal thoughts had grabbed me at 14 so that might be the best explanation for my behaviour.

This was circa late 90’s so before the days of instant language translations, effective internet etc. One day without rhyme or reason I decided to write ‘ the green hand gang’ a nonsensical term I had concocted on the spot in various languages except English on school property. I consulted 2 schoolyard chums, fluent in French and Irish respectively about the proper translations. In unison they both asked ” What is the green hand gang?”. ” Nothing, I just made it up, how do you say it in French and Irish?” I enquired. ” You can’t translate anything 100% per cent accurately but the closest would be ‘Le bande de main verte’ in French and ‘Cumann lamh glas’ in Irish” they said. That was good enough for me so off I went with a green marker and thought no more about it.

The next day the vice principal came into my class and demanded the class repair to the chapel immediately. This school was part of the elite, big fucking money, run by a religious order so there was a chapel on site. I was surprised when I got to the chapel that the entire year was there, numerically speaking about 100 students. I was even more surprised at the sudden appearance of the headmaster, a propagandist for a sky fairy of the highest order. I still had no idea what this was about but it seemed serious. This propagandist of a headmaster approached the pulpit and said ” Evidently we have a vandal in our midst”. The adrenalin went through me like a locomotive. ” I thought I’d seen it all in my long tenure as headmaster, I thought I knew every trick in the book, but this is a new one for me.” I’ll say one thing for this propagandist he knew how to talk. ” A vandal who thinks its funny to write the green hand gang in different languages on school property, he had a busy day yesterday, desks, chairs,mirrors, even radiators didn’t escape his attention. I have no doubt the boy responsible is sitting here in this chapel right now. What does the green hand gang even mean? It was brought to my attention only last month that the initials PIRA appeared in Tippex beneath a whiteboard in the sixth form. There shall be no celebration of terrorism in this school. Thats what the green hand gang sounds like to me. Being a fair man and a patient one I offer whoever is responsible for this vandalism one chance and one chance only.Should he step forward now in front of everyone and admit and accept full responsibiliy for this terrible action I will be prepared to show leniency. Should he prove hinself a coward and remain silent I shall have no choice but to punish the entire year. The choice is all his.” The headmaster stepped back from the pulpit and a minutes silence ensued. He stepped forward again ” Just as I expected, not only a vandal but a coward also. Was Christ’s suffering on the mount of olives for this? For cowardice and vandalism. One final message to the perpetrator, I’ll find who you are, you won’t get away with it, I’ll find out who you are”. But he never did.