Yesterday my boyfriend reached a new level of frustration with me. I got overwhelmed and tried to shave my head, when he restrained me I lost it a little. I don’t respond well to being restrained. I think he understands a little about my depression, because he’s been depressed. But I don’t think anyone fully understands someone else. All I think about all day is how to die. I have some hope, sometimes that it will change. But I can’t imagine getting a job I hate and going there everyday. I can’t imagine going back to school to study film. I can’t […]
Raycantdeal
I would never have believed it was possible to feel as empty as I do. I used to think that I was interesting, and charming. Now, I’m amazed anyone has ever liked me. I am a hollow shell filled with nothing of importance. I don’t know who I am. I shaved my head hoping it would rattle something loose within me. I self harm because it’s a cruel, and necessary reminder that I’m alive. I have started choking myself. Every new extreme I go to, I’m met by the same, empty resistance. I don’t want to be alive tomorrow. But I will wake up, […]
I’ve finally decided to do it, and the moment I did I felt peace at last. I’m so close to being happy and free. I’m so excited.
Lately I have been numb. Suicide has always been a distant, cunning fear, that until recently never seemed like an actual option. My mind would wander to it on the bad days, as a way to alleviate some pain. “I’m going to kill myself” for some reason gave me some solace, even though I didn’t really believe it. It made me feel like I had control over something, anything. Not so anymore. Now it is a constant companion in my thoughts. I can’t fathom how, or the pain, or the result. Only that it has to happen. I can’t continue as the shell of […]