Lately I have been numb. Suicide has always been a distant, cunning fear, that until recently never seemed like an actual option. My mind would wander to it on the bad days, as a way to alleviate some pain. “I’m going to kill myself” for some reason gave me some solace, even though I didn’t really believe it. It made me feel like I had control over something, anything. Not so anymore. Now it is a constant companion in my thoughts. I can’t fathom how, or the pain, or the result. Only that it has to happen. I can’t continue as the shell of a person I have become, and I don’t have the strength to be someone else, someone stronger.