It’s pretty sad when the only thing keeping me from actually following through with my plan is not fear of succeeding, but fear of failing.
I’m trying to organize things before I committ suicide. (I was thinking of saying, “do it” or “take the big sleep” or something, but there’s no point in talking around it- my plan is to commit suicide, plain and simple). This will probably be part 1, since I’m sure I’ll think of other things to do.
1. Most important and I know the hardest. Write my son a letter and tell him how very very proud I am of him. Honestly, I’m crying now just thinking about it. He’s 18 now, a man, and a fine one- so at least that’s one thing I did […]
I don’t hate the ones in my life; I love them very much. That’s why I want to end my life, so I don’t mess up their lives any more. I know what a disappointment I am to them- really, their expectations are low, and I still can’t meet them. Not for wanting or trying, just lack of ability, I guess. Anyway, when I’m gone, something I look forward to probably 30 times a day, they can have fuller, better lives without me dragging them down. I’m not really needed, other than a paycheck, so not a lot to miss. I know this sounds like […]
Another day of, well, nothing. I can’t laugh, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want anything but to plan my final sleep. I don’t know if my coworkers notice- probably not, they don’t know me that well. I’m trying to decide whether to do it before Christmas, before New Year, or maybe in February. All these are good times, I guess.
Every day is just empty for me, all I look forward to is sleeping and forgetting for one night and then forever. I can forget how I always let everyone down, how I always disappointed everyone- story of my adult life. They […]
Not sure how to go about this- I would say I’ll learn as I go along, but I don’t really plan on being “available” for all that long.
Every morning I wake up and ask myself “will today be the day I die?” Knowing that, having that feeling, is like having a winning lottery ticket in my pocket- I can pull it out at any time and stop the hurt and the worry and the stress. That’s probably the main thing that gets me through each day, knowing that if it gets too bad, it will be the final day. This has been going on […]
So where to start-almost 60 yrs old, would be considered successful by most, I guess. But I feel it’s all a lie. I’m not as good as people think I am at my job- if I do something praiseworthy it’s more by accident than skill. Most of my life has been like that. I’m really not that good at anything! I have a family, very proud of my son, but I think everyone else in the family just looks at me as a paycheck. Every day I stress about letting them down somehow, or disappointing them, which according to my wife I do on regular […]