I don’t hate the ones in my life; I love them very much. That’s why I want to end my life, so I don’t mess up their lives any more. I know what a disappointment I am to them- really, their expectations are low, and I still can’t meet them. Not for wanting or trying, just lack of ability, I guess. Anyway, when I’m gone, something I look forward to probably 30 times a day, they can have fuller, better lives without me dragging them down. I’m not really needed, other than a paycheck, so not a lot to miss. I know this sounds like whining, but it’s not meant that way. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or pity me. I’ve done some good things that I’m proud of, but more things that I’m not proud of. Overall the bad outweighs the good, so now I’m at this point, planning and deciding how and when.
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I have felt this very same way and understand how you feel. You judge yourself and find you guilty..its all wrapped up.
Feeling that failures are incurable and wants/goals are unreachable… that you feel being a burden outweighs your value as a human being.
I have to tell you that unless they lock you up and feed you through a hole your burden to them now… is much less…. than if you choose to commit suicide. Being on the other side — makes a parent or loved one so ill and eventually severely depressed with guilt and it changes their lives so much so that your suicide is not only killing you, but those who love you as well.
I think there is a way out of your situation wherein you can find joy and love yourself again. I know there is a way out of this because you said you have a check, there are places you can live that take disabled people.
Find that place inside where you found good and lets build on that again.
Firstly, are you sure they feel disappointment with you, or are they just happy to know you, forget what one person tells you, judge it yourself. You say you feel you’re not really needed, at your age you also have to live for yourself as much, perhaps more, than others. The good can outweigh anything bad, and remember the future good you can do. Thinking about suicide is okay for us here, but I hope you can find a reason to keep living, whether it’s for your son/family, for yourself, whatever it is, I hope you can.
Have you ever lost someone you love? Your family won’t just get over it and move on and have better lives. That kind of sadness never leaves. It will last all their lives. It will overshadow everything they do. Please reconsider.
I just can’t go through months and years with this empty feeling in my stomach every day. I do honestly feel they would (or will) be better off without me. I thank you, though, for the thoughts and the words. I’ve had my youth and excitement, it’s someone else’s turn now.
I don’t know what to say, you have so much more than me, I never married, no children (a big regret for me) a lack of girlfriends and love, and at 46, little left to hope for. I know it’s wrong to compare us, I apologise, but you have a family, including a son you’re proud of and you love, it’s something that does touch me. I wish you could see it, perhaps depression prevents it, perhaps the one who puts you down has stopped you see it. Please, at least see the good as much, if not more, than the bad, and keep the fight.
and keep fighting againt the suicidal thoughts.
dear rea, lost my dad at 5, my mom at 21.(‘scuse me while i cry a bit) i miss them both so much, and i want them back. it dont go way. like you, im past the”youth and excitement” days and wonder what the future holds for a beat up, burnt out, lonly old man.try to build those memories with your loved ones that they can keep for when your time does come. you love them. they love you. that is more than a lot of us folks here have. please, rethink this.
Hey – my boyfriend committed suicide 2months ago now. He used to say the same kind of stuff – that he was the black sheep of the family, he didn’t belong, he was a burden, a waste of time and money. I’m sure there is some depth to what you’re saying but are you looking at the big picture? Try and think about seeing a younger sibling or cousin learning to walk or christmas when everyone is happy, what about in the future if you get to travel somewhere really cool like the amazon! or new york. And I know there are things that you’re good at or things you love doing. Think about yourself because trust me your family and friends won’t be able to have a ‘fuller, better life’ if you kill yourself. There is no greater pain then losing someone you love so much and then to realise they did it because they felt like a burden in your life – its soul destroying. My life is ruined because he’s gone – my mind goes crazy analysing what i could’ve and should’ve done and I’m sure its 1000 times worse for his parents! I wish with all my heart that i could go back and save my boyfriend but I can’t so here I am commenting on this to try and get through to you! I really hope it does.
All I have to look forward to is another empty day, then another one tomorrow. That’s not living, just existing- I just don’t feel like continuing on like that.
Your not feeding your body properly.. go grocery shopping and buy all the yummy fruits you can find.. play somw online computer games..league of legends is great.. and its free!! go get an escort or something if your sex life is deprived.. just to get the juices going again. Just feeling empty is not bad.. just means your missing some fun.
Good luck
dear rea, try not to look past TODAY. do what you can do TODAY. tomorrow will be here soon enough, but today is what matters.their are many things i need to do today, pack, clean apt, find job, etc. etc. what im gonna do is a hot soak, a chocolate shake, and talk to a bunch of suicidal people on the computer. i dont know, works for me.try not to put expectations on the day. just let it happen. empty, full, good, bad. do not deny the bad, ugly crap that happens. also, do not deny the wonderful, beautiful, happy things that happen. life is a duality. one cannot know the light without knowing the darkness, cannot know love, without knowing hate, etc. i wish you peace, and hope,and love you for trying.
I know I’m just a big disappointment and/or joke to everyone in my family, so why continue with this life? The thought of Christmas brings no joy, just another chance to screw up.
I feel a disappointment in life, not to other people, just myself, all dreams I had have died. I don’t know why you feel a disappointment, I assume that you’ve raised a family, you speak of your pride with your son, you have achieved something I wish I had. I suppose if they no longer rely on you, you can feel redundant, but no, you are your own person, it’s you that counts. I hope you can ignore anyone who says you are a disappointment, it’s them being unkind, and that you find something new in life. I suppose Christmas can be difficult, I will spend it on my own in my room, hope to get it over with quickly and into the new year. You’re depressed at your position in life, not being so needed, perhaps feeling less of a person, but you’re not, please be proud of the the things in life you have achieved that others wish they had. I hope you can find a way to suppress this depression, it’s difficult, please keep writing if it’ll get you through.
rea, evrey chance is a chance to screw up, or get it right. thats why it is chance. it can go either way. the chances of me winning the lottery are next to nothing. the odds go up dramatically if i take a chance and buy a ticket.
I guess I can admit I am proud of some things, but those days are long gone. Now there is just failure and fear of failure. I am so tired of living this way, waiting to see how I mess up next.
rea3366, I don’t know what to say, but I am hoping you find a reason to get up tomorrow morning – any reason at all. Christmas is extremely hard for me- I am alone, but I can’t get the image of the close family enjoying each other around the warm fireplace out of my head that you see advertised everywhere. If you’re doing that too, imagining the “perfect” family, maybe just try to get through these holidays one day at a time then step back and give spring a chance. I’m going to do that, because my dog would miss me. That’s my reason-for now. There’s got to be something to get you through tomorrow. You say you’ve done good things that mattered and were useful to the world. Can you do one of those things again? Or Some tiny little thing, every day? Let somebody with less groceries cut you in line, let a big truck merge on the highway, drop food off at a food bank or bring blankets to dogs at a shelter? I bet you could do 100 things a day that will matter in the world. Maybe not to your family, but to the billions of others that you “live with.” Peace to you.