Not sure how to go about this- I would say I’ll learn as I go along, but I don’t really plan on being “available” for all that long.
Every morning I wake up and ask myself “will today be the day I die?” Knowing that, having that feeling, is like having a winning lottery ticket in my pocket- I can pull it out at any time and stop the hurt and the worry and the stress. That’s probably the main thing that gets me through each day, knowing that if it gets too bad, it will be the final day. This has been going on for over a year, just waiting and anticipating. Getting closer all the time, kind of planning around January or February next year, but that may change; maybe tomorrow or the next day or next week. Knowing that makes me feel better. I don’t plan this to get back at anyone, or teach anyone a lesson. For once I will be selfish and say, “I’m tired of living for everyone else, I am doing this for me, to stop the hurting”. I just want to be free of all this.
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I lived with that feeling for years.
I don’t think I can go that long; I’m just too tired of fighting for this life. It’s just not worth it anymore. Those who haven’t been here don’t understand. They may say they care, and may think they care, but truth is, when I’m gone, they will be better off in many ways.
My first response would be to ask what is happening to make you feel this way. What is it about your life that makes every day seem like a struggle? Feel free to open up if you wish. There are plenty of people here willing to listen and offer help.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
The stress at work- always more cutbacks, always more worry about can I keep providing for everyone. Then I get home and it’s always, “you’re doing this wrong, you did this wrong, you can’t do this right”, oh by the way we need to provide money or housing or a car to this other relative. The stress ever stops at home either. It seems that no matter what I do, it’s the wrong thing. So without me, they get the money, and I get the freedom from this life.
It sounds as if you have a lot of people depending on you and I can only imagine how stressful that must be. Couple that with worries at work and that is a lot for a person to take on.
As bad as it may sound, sometimes we just have to start thinking about ourselves and start being a little bit selfish. It’s nice to want to help our families and others, but there is a limit – and it is very easy to push ourselves past it. The sad truth is that people can be ungrateful and take advantage of others much of the time. It’s up to us to decide what the limit is going to be. I hope you figure it out. Best wishes.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
I think I have figured out my limit- hit it and passed it. The only thing left to me is the selfish act I am now planning and honestly, looking forward to. The thought of going to sleep and not waking up, maybe oddly enough, gives me hope. I want to embrace the sleep.
Thank you for listening.
Question is, will 50 Vicodin and vodka work? Maybe more?
greetings, how right you are when you say they dont understand us. for those who have never been here its a scary place. as for your question, yeah, maybe. i do know from personal experience that its real messy. all the way around. and not a very pleasent experience. sorry, i know thats not what you wanted to hear, but a little truth goes a long way here. have ya tried pot? its not as glamorous as vicoden and vodka but after the second or third bowel, who cares? might not be your thing,but it helps some folks. please know, you are not alone in this darkness.im right their,beside you. fixin to jump my own self. grabbing on to any reason or purpose i can to make it through another minute. wishing you peace
Well, I have 90 available, if that would be better. Unfortunately I have no weapons available. I just don’t want to be unsuccessful so I’m trying to research this as much as possible. Thanks for the info!