Redandpurple

I’m feeling so fucked up. I HATE MYSELF AND HOW I MAKE MYSELF FEEL. Why am I this way! Why am I such a lazy shithead why why why they would even have to spend money to cremate or bury me or something why am I such a drag a drain on resources I can’t even THINK for gods sake WHY THE FUCK DO I EXIST

My stupid fucking body would probably find some way to throw this up if I find the guts to consume this bitter […]

A. Absolutely crummy, completely unmotivated, confused, occasionally uncontrollably suicidal, mood + staying slim and looking normal

    B. A constant placated, numb, not calm but more a deep down apathetic (and still unmotivated) feeling + add 5kg of fat, bloat from the belly and other random places

Now I have to choose. This is going to be the ruin of me no matter what.

Which one would you choose?

–

right now I’m at A

I fear my body’s internal roller coaster might put me in danger very soon.

Some background: I am a female and suspected to have PMDD. Before starting Mercilon one month ago, my […]

To help me forget that I am alone, even though I truly am

https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Give-Me-Love.m4a

I don’t know how it happened but after being in a dining hall full of people, my internal radar/ pressure sensor just exploded. I can feel a ball of painful, pent up energy spinning around in my chest and it feels awful. This pain is not like a physical heart attack, but more like a mental sense of heavy, squeezing anxiety and worry.

I cannot breathe normally.

Moreover, they don’t seem to belong to me. I haven’t felt this kind of panic in a while.

I don’t feel in control of my body and I am frightened.

–

Nothing happened that was particularly distressing. I was chatting to a nice […]

Hello SP, this is what my writings sound like when I’m feeling “normal”

aka not severely depressed and actually interested in guys for once

I think of the first relationship I had four years ago as a teenager. As he held my hand for the first time, sparks of the most ecstatic feelings coursed through my blood as I felt his coarse hand laced through my fingers and how it was the most electrifying thing I had ever felt. It was high, and I knew even then that highs always come down.

I haven’t gotten over it, not completely.

I think of how I had, since some strange time, tied the […]

Why do you stay?

–

I realise that I have not triumphed over my thoughts.

New habits have been formed, carefully catered to my body’s needs; inside I still feel like a barely repressed undesirable.

I don’t dare to let suicidal thoughts in my head because of fear. Fear keeps me from the brink- fear that other people in my life will be devastated.

There are two types of motivation- extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation, based on external rewards and punishment, is weaker than intrinsic motivation.

I am living (“normally”) one day at a time, barely conscious of the inner currents, on the promise of food for my palate and sheer […]

And La La Land theme songs seemed to be a hit with people. Even those who didn’t even know the movie exists.

So I thought I should share this song with you.

https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/city-of-stars.mp3

–

It’s love… Yes, all we’re looking for is love from someone else. A rush, a glance, a touch, a dance. A look in somebody’s eyes to light up the skies, to open the world and send it reeling; a voice that says I’ll be here, and you’ll be alright.

Even here on SP.

I’m going out tonight.

Three cheers for me!

I’m going to a silent disco- another experience that I haven’t tried. I imagine a kaleidoscope of laser lights and headphones and musical notes and dancing souls. It would make my night if I manage to connect with someone new-

-make them happy. Both of us, actually.

Picture yourself at a silent disco. There is another girl dancing, whom you haven’t met. Based on your experience/imagination, what could she do that would connect with you, make you feel comfortable, even make your night?

I’m a shy person. Please reassure me with social advice. It doesn’t matter if they work or not.

Here I am again.

It happened again.

The sudden flash of the reverse of a lightbulb (whatever that may be) that whispers,

“You can kill yourself.”

And my eyes roll, uncontrollably, toward the drawers where I keep my large stash of acetaminophen, ibuprofen, gravol, and other unknown compounds that I accumulated over a sickness.

And the inevitable imagination of the Scene comes. Somehow, some time, I break.

Madness consumes me, and I consume each and every pill in a maniacally efficient manner, managing not to throw them up in the process.

–

Fun Interactive Story of Possible Outcomes

I consume each and every pill in a maniacally efficient manner, managing not to throw them up […]

There’s a social event at church tonight (no, you’re not required to be a believer to attend) featuring good food and nice people.

Yet I am filled with thoughts that condemn me and strap me up like a boot from head to feet.

“You won’t be able to respond appropriately.” “You look so tired even with makeup on.” “You may look less tired with makeup on, but you can’t hide what you really feel.” “You are feeling irritable and you’ll just be a negative presence.” “The guy who was really nice to you? You won’t be attracted to him and he won’t be attracted to you. It’s […]

You project. Either ugliness and judgement or beauty and grace- you choose. You choose how to view yourself and others.

You talk to yourself. You give advice- they seem personal and upfront and specific, but really, you’re giving advice to yourself or yourself in the past.

This song is for you, but it is for me as well.

It felt raw to sing because of an aching sore throat that hasn’t gone away in a month, but I had to do it.

https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/Keeping-Your-Head-Up.mp3

Birdy- Keeping Your Head Up

–

I am exhausted. It’s been a long day and Murphy’s Law has executed itself over and over again and I hope this […]

I am better now, am I?

I force myself to wake up at 8 every morning. No more waking up at 4pm for me.

The gray skies are still the same.

I have changed.

Home has cured me.

Cured me like a piece of meat. I am stiff, more reserved.

How can I let down my beloved family who love me back? I must get through this year.

I start to move restlessly; my voice sinks into a whisper.

My mouth shuts itself at lectures, which I turn up to regularly, and harden in disdain when I hear girls giggling at silly things on their laptop behind me.

My heart seems to have become […]

You will feel neither solace

nor

peace

nor

a deep sense of contentment

that everything is

over and done with

nor

the sweetness of dreamless sleep

/

instead your body will

burn

in mortal agony

as your brain tries to make sense of the

irrevocable turn you have just made

and will be your very last end

in mortal agony

/

but the thought of it now

soothes me

strangely.

Somehow, in the midst of all that emptiness and pills and loneliness and basically suicidal galore, it never struck me in that way.

I just thought I was a shitty university fresher who didn’t have what it took to be disciplined and independant.

A quick Google search yesterday shocked me as I mentally ticked off everything on the Depression Symptoms list.

Surely I should have known there was something wrong with my brain when I wasn’t the slightest bit interested in the guys at the university. I tried to convince myself that it was sort of an emotional regulation but […]

I cannot even read properly. Or keep track of time anymore. I am not worthy of the things available to me because of where I was born.

Yes, dear reader, I know I am worthless to you as well. I am just another strange voice on the internet speaking in your head. Irrelevant, perhaps fleetingly entertaining. A peripheral in your life which is the most important to you, not me.

–

i don’t deserve to live if I am useless to this world then why did you give birth to me at all I am a sad lethargic animal who should be put down

i sink down on the […]

Mine is INFP. And I wish I was something else. Less prone to destructive and exhausting feelings.

Yes I’m plagued by sniffles right now but I’m also sick of this.

The pantomime last night was crude and drunken shit. Flatmates talking about making out with some random guy at the club last night.

Not being able to even write an essay because I have no idea where to start and what shit service that would do to humanity. Who the fuck cares about the extent of the dramatic effects in blank verse. So what if I explain it perfectly? Who the fuck would care or be able to do something about it?

Sorry for the crude language. I’m just sleep deprived from binging Prison Break […]

I woke up this morning (yes, morning. Not afternoon for once). Went outside.

I went outside to find everything AT ONCE.

The tang of wet mist staining the grass and dead leaves at night and releasing the smell of fresh sweet decay and new oxygen

the pavement, the little metal bars between the pieces of stone, the branding, the thought of the men who installed them, the factory that marked the pattern on the metal, the metal mine in another corner of the world

the little bits of random construction on the side of the road and on top of buildings, medieval buildings or are they medieval buildings with […]

I’ve been thinking a lot and watching a lot of movies and I realized that maybe these dark times are not without beams of light.

When you’re stuck in a hole and find yourself all alone, you are forced to reflect. You have no choice but to spend time with yourself and get to know you.

I’ve learned things about myself, brought things into the light that were obscure before.

It is no wonder that I chose a degree that I now want to escape from, when the basis for my choice was escapism.

That’s right. I went for an English degree because it came to me easily at […]

to skate away on

http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/river.mp3

–

I’m literally just holding on because my birthday is 16 days away and there’s going to be a delicious meal waiting for me at home and my dog is there and even though my dog wouldn’t know if I died I’d still like to see his chubby furry face again.

The birthday itself isn’t significant. People are born all the time and die all the time

Weirdly though the reminder of my age makes me feel more fixed, less violently swinging in a pendulum of hopeless emotions