I deserve every little bit of pain that is inflicted on me. I know I can’t be everything you need me to be. Just, please don’t let me be right in thinking the girl in those photos were her.
And as fucked up as this is to say, don’t feel obliged to be with me just because I saved your life or you think you might be gone soon.
My insides are knotting and I think I’m going to throw up.
Not knowing what my future is going to hold is honestly starting to suck. I know we aren’t supposed to know, but I’m so scared for me and my husband right now. He isn’t okay and I know he’s scared. I hate myself for not knowing what to do. I’m scared for not knowing what this next year of medical bullshit we’ll have to go through brings. I’m scared I might hurt myself or even that I’m already at that point because I just don’t know.
I don’t know why I logged in here today. Or why I chose to tell you these things. It might […]
I wait for the day I can rest my head
Upon my pillow and hear nothing
But the sounds of my breath and smalls whines
Of my dog on my bed,
The systematic heaving of my chest
Up and down without any ounce
Of pain festering within my lungs
And heart in my breast.
I look forward to the day when
Everything is calm and the trees are withered,
The fog of my breath is natural and free
Not strangulated anymore, until then
I will wait for the second I can
See clearly without any tears shrouding my
Vision. No more screams haunting
Every dream that I’ve hid […]
It’s been a while since I’ve been active here, and I mainly only come to post thoughts that I can just get down and easily forget.
I’ve been off my medications for about 3 months since trying to have a baby with my husband. It has been so hard though what with making the decision to quit the job I’ve been at for the past five years, starting a job I utterly despise, making the decision to quit the new job entirely (after having multiple anxiety attacks stemmed from it; I do have a backup plan though), and having our roommate situation wear and tear me […]
… you want to starve and purge and cut but you’re trying for a baby. What kind of monster does that?
So I’ve learned to make myself purge.
Today I threw up a lot of blood.
Today my ‘father’ found out I was hospitalized three weeks ago. I had been keeping this from him because, honestly, I felt he didn’t deserve to know. A friend at the time had abused my trust, called the police on me, and I was sent to the hospital and kept there due to the fact I had cuts on my arm. Fresh cuts. I was put in therapy and am back on medication, which I am grateful for. I just wish the situation hadn’t panned out as it had.
I digress. He noticed I was talking about my medication online and he asked me what I […]
It’s obvious to me. I’m throwing myself into a hole, each time getting a little deeper. Farther and farther down where I know you’ll never find me. I wanna take the pills to stop it all. I want to drink the whiskey you bought me. I can’t keep going on like this, knowing that some day you might leave me. Why did this happen? Why did I give everything up?
Why can’t the words seem to flow from my fingertips.
I honestly don’t know what to do…
I was hospitalized again this past week. A friend was worried about me ad had the police called on me and now I’m home and back on the medications.
Do I still want to cut?
Of fucking course I do.
I left my boyfriend of four years and so stupidly ran into another without even really thinking. All I knew is that I didn’t want to kill myself just yet and if I have someone here, I might not. But now it’s getting to the point where I don’t even know if I can handle a relationship right now. I am very committed in my […]
Last night you held me in your arms and let me cry myself to sleep.
Thank you…
I got a second job. Overnight. 11-7.
I already have one job. It’s spread out across the daytime during the week.
I am going to college three days of the week.
I have to do this to fix my car. I have to do this because no one else will take initiative in this house. I am the only one making an attempt to save our asses and keep us financially safe. That’s not how relationships work though. They shouldn’t have to work like that. I also asked that since I’ll be working two jobs and going to school, that you catch up on the […]
So I have an interview for an overnight job.
I honestly couldn’t be more excited.
I mean, I’m already working one job and going to school, but maybe by working so much, I’ll finally be free from my own mind. I’ll be so distracted from the pain that I can finally breathe again. I didn’t cut the other night and I am proud of myself, however miniscule the act.
I don’t know why I keep coming back here. I have no purpose here anymore…
You told me to calm down. I was calm. All I told you was I was trying to get a second job to pay for the damage I caused. I know I’m going to school, too, but I have to do this. I’m not going to ask for handouts. I’m an able-body and I can work for my money. I’ll pay with my health if I have to. Or whatever health I have left. I feel like I’m getting a little sicker every day. When will I just fall apart into ash and dust? Why is the Universe testing me? I’m not as strong as […]
Simply because of the fact you don’t treat me like your daughter. I am your only biological child and yet…
You leave me in the dust. You tell me to just… Go to Bridgeway and get medicine. Go to the hospital. I need your help. You told mom you’d help me so long as I was in school. Well guess what dad! I’m doing my fucking best. Going to school when I’m not sick, working my ass off for shit pay. And for what? To pay for my bills while you go off with your other family for a three week trip to Europe. Oh, […]
I sat in the shower tonight, another night of crushed expectations. I can’t resort to cutting myself over this. He’ll see them and then we’ll be back at square one. It’s nighttime and it’s getting worse each day. At night it seems to hit the hardest. Little things are triggering the moodswings and I’m beginning to lose control one day at a time. Other days are better, and I tell myself things are getting better, but in moments like these I convince myself I’m living in a lie. Am I really happy? I have happy moments, but can I live and love without you?
If […]
I’ve been painting more.
Two people bought my artwork.
It made me happy even though I wanted to slice up my wrists.
Maybe I’ll keep painting.
I’ve gotten a lot better. Or at least I like to think that way.
I almost had an anxiety attack the other night, but I called my boyfriend in and asked for a pill to make me go to sleep. He didn’t ask questions and gave me the little herbal knock-out pill. The other night at work when things got completely out of control, I could have broken down, I wanted to break down. But I didn’t.
I got into that wreck today and I screamed at myself for a minute. My boyfriend told me he’d stay home with me tonight if he needed to.
I was tired, having working 13 hours the day before. I thought I could get a few more minutes of sweet sleep. I left like normal, listening to music in my car and fretting about all the financial ordeals my boyfriend and I have been dealing with lately.
And then I got into a wreck.
There went all the hard work went into saving money for Christmas.
I fucked up again.
A new song I’ve started to help get past the hard times I’m going through… Clearly unfinished.
You are my tether,
The clip in my downy feathers.
You said we’d be together for ever.
My love is as true and blue as the sky, above.
Sing me to sleep, a lullaby, and tell me it’s alright.
Tell me it’s gonna be alright.
Baby don’t let me die tonight.
It’s been a few weeks since I last came on here, since I last hurt myself. I’m doing okay and even though life is getting harder on me, I’m still kicking and screaming. I’m not doing ‘great’ but I’m alright with just saying I’m ‘okay’. Helluva lot better than being in my rut.
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