Author

Scarlett Dawn

I don't belong here - and if this is my goodbye; I say goodbye in complete contentment and serenity

Been A While

by Scarlett Dawn 12/17/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

It has been such a long time since I’ve posted on here. Maybe its because I feel like I have been improving a lot with my ongoing treatement, but lately I feel like I’ve been slipping backwards.

I just became aware of the emotionally abusive relationship I was in with my “best friend” and now, I fear my safety. I have been advised to get an AVO against her, but I don’t want to involve the police.

After my physically abusive ex boyfriend four years ago, I just don’t understand how I didn’t see her for what she really was. Even when I was aware – I […]

12/17/2014 4 comments

Stainless Steal

by Scarlett Dawn 9/13/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

The tip of the blade touches my skin

My body shrieks for me to stop

But with my heart aching so

My mind tells me to carry on

I push the blade hard against my frail skin

The tears fall delicately like the melancholy of rain droplets

Yet as I pull the stainless steel up my arm

My emotions are gone, I just feel numb

I ardour watching as my skin torn asunder

Almost […]

9/13/2014 2 comments

Unprempted Survivor

by Scarlett Dawn 9/12/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I thought I had finally found the perfect method. Tbh, I had in my time frame and with what I could get in possession of.

Yet destiny must have thought against my wishes and I was revived in time.

Last Friday night I injected just over 5mg of ithium methadone (not being a junkie, I missed my vien) swallowed approx 230mg of water dissolved fluoxetine cognitive mixture and a bottle of JD to try and OD.
I was in an induced coma for three days then in ICU at Redcliffe for two with breathing, feeding, etc tubes down my throat and needles sticking out of me everywhere. […]

9/12/2014 4 comments

Final Goodbye

by Scarlett Dawn 9/5/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

Tonight is my final night

I bid you all farewell and hope you find contentment and serenity in this life

We shall meet once more in the afterlife

This is my final goodbye xxx

9/5/2014 12 comments

Mirror Mirror

by Scarlett Dawn 8/30/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

Mirror mirror on the wall
Please tell me who I’m looking for
Mirror mirror on the wall
Why do you allow my reflection let me fall

Mirror mirror on the wall
I cannot tell how old or young I am anymore
Mirror mirror on the wall
Your making me sad when I see you evermore

I cannot look in mirrors any longer
With mirrors around there’s no hope of me getting stronger
I delude myself but covering the truth when I look in them
With the help of lies that substances bring whence in my system

Though I am always stuck; are mirrors the illusions?
Or is […]

8/30/2014 2 comments

She wants to stay with me forever

by Scarlett Dawn 8/28/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

Out of all my friends I am one of the most suicidal unfortunately.

When I admitted to The clinic, my closest friend had already been in here for a month prior due to an Eating Disorder.
When I’d get severely down she’d always say “we can do it together” I always said “no. I refuse to drag you down with me” and I meant it. Jess doesn’t actually want to die, she has an ED that wrecks her life but I can see hope for her. She’d been well once, she can be well again.
And then I met Britt. Both these girls were so much […]

8/28/2014 2 comments

Empty Within

by Scarlett Dawn 8/27/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I feel empty inside
There’s a void I cannot fill
I drink the emptiness away
I smoke the emptiness away
I roll to take the emptiness away

Though these temporary solutions
Hold no effect once I be sober
I miss the touch of a gentle human hand
I miss the warmth of another’s embrace
I miss the smile that follows the sweet words spoken
I miss being loved by another

I curl up and hold myself tight at night
My pillow squished in my comforting embrace
I close my eyes and dream of a paradise
One where a man adores me for me
Holds me and tells […]

8/27/2014 6 comments

Written

by Scarlett Dawn 8/27/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

Happiness has long eluded me. I lost the sensation of warmth in my soul. I cannot feel anymore. I miss feeling worthy. I miss the gentle touch of another humans embrace.

The only time where I can remember being truly happy was during my deployment to Dubai. I got to meet soldiers from other countries, and I was away from Australia that holds a lot of painful memories. I found a picture in the ARA newspaper today and it brought a smile to my face – it had been taken early march when I did a speech for International Women’s Day. Major General Omar showed his […]

8/27/2014 10 comments

8 September 1993 – 19 July 2012 – R.I.P J.M.

by Scarlett Dawn 8/27/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

R.I.P J.M

YOU’RE GONE

They dug him a grave six feet deep within the pallid earthly dirt amidst God’s acre

He is gone – a Priest announced sympathetically. Too young for his life to be over

After the cerise and snowy-white roses were gracefully cast upon his brown coaxed coffin; they covered his ashen body’s casket under a coat of soil, and a tile of risen concrete protection

The patch around his gravestone gradually becoming stonewashed
As the years of that significant date’s memorial’s winter sun shone down upon it evermore

I now realise the existence of the demons he’d been facing
My hands clenched in fists as I realised that […]

8/27/2014 3 comments

I want to go

by Scarlett Dawn 8/27/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I’ve been wanting this for so long; but now it’s more than a desire, it’s an obsession

I have nothing in my life that gives my living any credibility

I’m just a girl who’s broken beyond repair and this may well be how the rest of my life be like and I do not wish to keep going this way.

I need to go. I have to go.

8/27/2014 10 comments

Hurting

by Scarlett Dawn 8/25/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I cry, but I shed no tears
I’m hurting, but I’m not bleeding
I’m dying, but my body’s surviving
I’ve been broken, but my scars don’t show

I’m withering away, but my body’s still ageing
I’ve lost sight of a future, but I am not blind
I cannot voice my angst, but I am not mute
I feel numb inside, but I can still feel my heart beating

I’ve lost my motivation, but I am still walking
I cannot breathe, but my lungs are still functioning
I cannot feel, but my pain still taunts me
I’ve lost the war, but I am still fighting my battle

8/25/2014 3 comments

I love you

by Scarlett Dawn 8/25/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I love you
But I cannot be with you
I love you
But I cannot hold you
I love you
But I am so far away
I love you
But I am not strong enough to stay
I love you
But it’s been so long since I’ve seen you
I love you
But you seen to be attempting to elude my mind
I love you
But my memories are fading
I love you
But the day has turned to night
I love you
But the sunlight’s hidden behind the moons shadow
I love you
But I can no longer linger amongst the living
I love […]

8/25/2014 2 comments

Alone in Despair

by Scarlett Dawn 8/25/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

Surrounded by people yet all alone.
The summer sun bright in the sky.
Yet she felt nought but the cold of a dreaded winter

Finally she had opened up.
She allowed the world to know the pain she’d hidden inside all her life.
Yet the euphoria lasted but a couple of weeks
Like a waterfall she fell dramatically back into dysphoria

Her heart ached as she laid in her bed, the drugs numbing her body but not her mind.

She embraced her fears but she’d come this far and had just fallen.

Why were they helping someone that was corrupted, possessed by the darkness that haunted […]

8/25/2014 2 comments

Those we love

by Scarlett Dawn 8/25/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

We bear the pain of living for years on end
To keep those we love happy
We stay alive and continue breathing within our misery
So our loved ones won’t suffer in our divine demise

Yet there will come a time
When this illness becomes too strong
So strong that the love we have for others
Is lost as the darkness consumes us

That is when we tell our loved ones
Just how much we love them one more time
Yet they can never understand suicide
They all assume we did it out of selfishness

What they don’t realise
Is that we survived life this long […]

8/25/2014 8 comments

I stand Alone

by Scarlett Dawn 8/24/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I stand alone
A group of laughing people to my right
I stand alone
The rushing cars passing me to my left
I stand alone
The cold chill of the winter breeze blowing through my hair
I stand alone
In visioning myself some place else
I stand alone
As the dark clouds begin to loom lower
I stand alone
As the moon begins to rise in the night sky
I stand alone
Until it’s time to go back home

I sleep alone
Dreading the next day of which I’ll once again stand alone
A cycle that will never end

8/24/2014 12 comments

I am an artist

by Scarlett Dawn 8/24/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I am an artist
Though I cannot paint
I cannot write a novel
I cannot act in a film

Yet I am an artist
My paintbrush is my razor
My story is told through my tears
My film is life and my smile is the main character

I am an artist
Whose painting is in cerise beads
Whose story is in each crystal stream
Whose persona hides a reality behind a perfected smile

I am an artist
An artist with a dark truth
A hidden story
And a made up happy ending

I am an artist
An artist that has ran out of space for […]

8/24/2014 2 comments

Apologetic

by Scarlett Dawn 8/24/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I am not ungrateful for the aid they provided me with. I am not ungrateful for the compassion they showed me. I am not ungrateful for messages they tried to send.

My incapability to be ungrateful has made me surrender to the guilt of being apologetic.

I am so sorry for all the time that was wasted in your attempts to fix me. I am so sorry for having taken up a bed for someone that was potentially in a more crucial state of deep despondency than I.

I do not fear dying.

I fear what I am leaving behind.

My loved ones, my future, my pain.

Yet I simply cannot carry […]

8/24/2014 2 comments

Careless

by Scarlett Dawn 8/24/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I hate the stench of stale tobacco on my clothes. I hate the sensation of being far from reality when the drugs attack my body and mind. I hate the lack of sensibility when the devils nectar poisons my brain. I hate stealing from the oblivious shopkeepers. I hate driving when intoxicated and drugged, smiling at the police officers that watch me beaming- as though they gather I have nothing to hide behind my misleading smile. I hate when the doctors tell me I am doing fine.

I’ve long perfected the ability to play the game right and pretend that I am same.

As I drive down the […]

8/24/2014 12 comments

What am I still doing here?

by Scarlett Dawn 8/23/2014

written by Scarlett Dawn

I question my existence every waking minute. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake or asleep, I live within nightmares whether lucid or subconsciously. I have tried everything to change my mind but there is nothing left for me here. I fear myself to be a burden to those whom I love and in my demise I feel as though I would free them of their constant angst due to the worry they possess for me. The problem is; I don’t want to die! But I am not living. This is not living. I am merely respiring, merely going through the motions of being alive. Yet […]

8/23/2014 3 comments