Out of all my friends I am one of the most suicidal unfortunately.
When I admitted to The clinic, my closest friend had already been in here for a month prior due to an Eating Disorder.
When I’d get severely down she’d always say “we can do it together” I always said “no. I refuse to drag you down with me” and I meant it. Jess doesn’t actually want to die, she has an ED that wrecks her life but I can see hope for her. She’d been well once, she can be well again.
And then I met Britt. Both these girls were so much alike me it was scary but Britt was like a friend in the form of a guardian angel. I told her everything. One day I even approached her about what Jess had been asking me. Her response shocked me.
“I’d be lying if I hadn’t thought of begging you for the exact same thing. It’s be an honor to leave this world with you”
I was stunned. Yet I recognized the same sadness and darkness in her eyes as myself.
Caught up in a dark phrase of a struggling period. I stupidly said yes.
Our endeavour to find the fatal N continues but now I don’t know if I want her to die by my side. I love her so much that it hurts for me to see her in such pain.
I spent a few hours the other day trying to figure out if these two girls are real of if they were one – a dark side or the other – the angelic side of my subconscious that had taken it’s own realistic form that only I could see.
I have trouble sometimes connecting with reality. I have troubles accepting reality. And now I regret saying yes to Britt but I can’t do it without her because that would destroy her. And I don’t want her to suffer more.
I know I messed up. I always mess up. I never know what to do anymore. I’m just a lost cause that’s dragging the people I love down with me. I don’t want this anymore.
What should I do?
2 comments
I flirt with the idea of checking out of life with a like-minded companion but…deep down inside me, not only do I know it’s wrong, but I know I’ll do everything in my power to stop them. Futile, in’it?
For what it’s worth, Scar’ I really hope you and Britt can find it within each other to pull through these dark days, even just for now. I constantly give myself time when I approach the end and, yes I’m delaying the inevitable, but that’s what life is mostly made of anyway. Distractions. Happy times. Falling in love. Losing yourself.
Finding yourself and starting anew.
STAND FAST, my friend. You will not be receiving your warning orders for quite some time from now. At least I hope so.
I wish I hadn’t agreed because I still want to do it but not by dragging her down
At ease, hope you are well soldier xx