What am I still doing here?

I question my existence every waking minute. It doesn’t matter if I’m awake or asleep, I live within nightmares whether lucid or subconsciously. I have tried everything to change my mind but there is nothing left for me here. I fear myself to be a burden to those whom I love and in my demise I feel as though I would free them of their constant angst due to the worry they possess for me. The problem is; I don’t want to die! But I am not living. This is not living. I am merely respiring, merely going through the motions of being alive. Yet with each sun up, I am in crucifying pain. I’ve drowned in the tears I’ve shed when I see my reflection in the mirror – hating every part of myself both inner and physically. My body is exhausted from the haunting essence of my dark past; and drained from having to hide the vertical scars that etched up my arms and had almost caused fatality; the lack of blood that once circulated through my veins, feeding my heart has subsided and I feel myself growing weaker rapidly. I have suffered from depressive disorder, self-harm/suicidal ideation and an ED since I was very young. Nine was the first age I was when I first attempted suicide, fifteen when I began self harming and twenty when I could no longer hide behind my perfected facade and pseudo smile I’d lived by my entire life.

Now I have found myself here. Stuck in hospitals and a mental institution for over four and a half months now. No freedom, constant medication, always being questioned about how I am feeling or what I am doing. I cannot continue living in these artificial atmosphere yet I am afraid of what will happen once I am released from these “safehouse” prisons.

There is no hope for me anymore. There is no hope for recovery. I am long lost, my body simply an empty shell holding a soul prisoner until the day the body breaths no more and the soul is freed.

I yearn to rid myself of this constant torture –  I yearn to leave this other form of hell we call earth.

Only in death will I begin to live again

-c.b.