scarredkitty

“There are only 2 things in life you can’t undo or go back from once you do it, which you precipitate. Having a child (because even if you give the child up for adoption that child is still out there), and suicide. Everything else can be undone.”

Trying to think of others but I’d say that’s pretty accurate. Does that make you feel better or worse?

Being suicidal is probably the worst state of mind you could possibly have. When it’s no longer if you’ll take your own life but just a matter of when, you’re bound to be a different person than you were before you became set on that decision. Everything is soured. I couldn’t even watch Kung fu panda because all the wise messages within that movie make me feel like shit. I used to like that movie for the cute humor and it was kind of inspiring in a way as well. It’s like another language now. Positivity and wisdom are like languages from my distant past […]

Sorry to be gruesome but this is what I stumbled across today while gardening for extra cash. I saw something red-ish in the walkway, and thought “eww maybe it’s like a bird leg or something”. I could have been so lucky. I could have at least shook that image. Instead it was literally a little chipmunk face with part of it gone and when I flipped it over… it was just like brains. I mean the wild can be cruel and that doesn’t shock me, but it was just such a disturbing image that it has stuck with me all day.

The weirdness of it all […]

Not the musical, never seen it.

I love when my kitty lays next to me when we’re going to sleep and she’s all twitchy because she’s dreaming. I think the idea that animals dream is so cute and funny. Are they thinking about the crunchies they’ll eat tomorrow or the shits they will shat? Or maybe they’re dreaming about the other 16 hrs they’ll be sleeping. Or dreaming of their bigger brethren on the sahara chasing down zebras.

Whatever they dream about they’re darn cute when they twitch and make squeaky noises.

Even in various stages of suicidal states, kitty dreams make me smile.

Do you ever just start crying randomly because you think about how much of a mess your life has become? Generally I can block it out and fill it with distractions but tonight, that loneliness hit hard. It’s that type of deep loneliness that even a person being with you wouldn’t fill. It feels unfillable. I try my best to avoid thinking of that, but today it just got me.

The heights humans can go to are inspiring but the depths humans can sink to are equally as endless and I’m testing the path I never wanted to test. Life just  sucks when you suck. Nothin […]

I feel like this is a good band for depressed people. They deal with dark topics and set it to a trance-y sound. Plus this video’s visually intense and I love it/I’d recommend anything by them, although they only have one album out so far.

You’re always in your head…hopefully. So you get used to your own soundtrack. At other times in my life (thank God) it sang a happier tune, I wasn’t always this miserable. But you know shit happens and you get on that spiral of “I suck”, “the world would truly be better of without me”, “better to free up space”, do something stupid and “oh that’s another tally under ‘reasons to kill myself’”. So this track has been the norm for a couple years now, so it’s become very easy to believe if you know what I mean. I’m guessing most here do.

But then in my […]

I think the people who really get through this life and even seem to have fun in it are just really good escapists.
I escaped tonight a lot. Escaped through cooking dinner, watching television, making dessert and watching more television. The Roast of James Franco was pretty funny. I’d recommend it. And salmon’s supposed to be good for brain health. I swear the one week I ate it 3 times that week I felt overall better. Just a sense of wellness I couldn’t explain and I definitely think it had something to do with salmon. If life felt like this more often I’d totally want […]

I know this is a stupid and trivial thing to be thinking about but since I have a while til I can “go”, I’m thinking about near everything. I know I’m going to write notes. I’m between a couple methods. But Facebook…deactivate my page or leave it be? I don’t want to have a creepy presence where I have an online presence even though I don’t have a real life one. I know some people who committed suicide and their’s was used as a memorial thing where loved ones wrote nice messages. Although that’s a nice idea, I’d feel odd writing to someone who’s not […]

It’s because, well, I’ll just leave this here.

http:// www.oddee. com/item_98706. aspx

Woke up to my parents screaming at each other. Basically just an ego match cause neither can take criticism  without feeling the need for their voice to raise multiple decibels.

They knew when I had to wake up and continued to scream at the top of their lungs 45 min. before that time so I had to listen to every stupid, pointless word and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I let them know how considerate it was upon awaking and their response “It’s our house, and parents fight.” Ok fair enough, it’s my body and I’ll do what the fuck I want too.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2013/05/22/why-suicide-has-become-and-epidemic-and-what-we-can-do-to-help.html

Nothing earth shatteringly profound, but a good, interesting read.

Do you guys crave sweets an awful lot? Like at least once a day and generally multiple times a day.

My therapist told me a joke today. How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer is it depends if the lightbulb is ready to change…

If you’ve ever been to therapy you know you can only get so far unless you really want to be a different more adjusted person. In so many ways, I don’t want to be better, because I’m so sure I won’t be able to get there and even if I ever got close to something good I’d be terrified of it all falling apart again.

I keep telling my therapist that I’m wasting her time and my money […]

I’m not sure I do. But I am sad that I hurt my beautiful mother.

Basically, I’ve been going back and forth in my mind about how I want to die so badly right now. But I need to try and make it through another 2 years to make enough money at this home-based job to pay off my student loans.

The issue is that a close childhood friend who I’ve known forever and is my best friend lives kind of far away. But she has a really important life event happening next year and even though it’d be horrible of me not to go, I’m starting […]

That you’re going to kill yourself eventually?

Sorry to be gruesome and blunt, I even try to avoid it even though I’m on a suicide forum. haha But I’ve just been curious. We’ve all gotten low though I think some see more hope than others.

For me I’m at about 80%, sadly. Wish it were different but I just highly doubt I’ll ever be able to come to terms with my circumstances.

P.S. it’s thunderstorming right now and I love thunderstorms  🙂

Little goals that keep you going week to week, month to month, even year to year.

Just a couple from me…

1. Find out if Taylor Swift ever finds “the one” or admits she’s the problem

2. The Walking Dead return

3. Christmas/winter in general

4. See what baby George looks like as he grows into a human

I love watching the food network because 1. I have no life and tv is my friend and 2. Who doesn’t love looking at foodporn?

But lately I get uncomfortable with certain shows because they just thrive on being mean. On this show, Restaurant:Impossible, it seems like this guy is trying to imitate Chef Ramsay and it’s making me really uncomfortable. I just hate when people are mean to each other. Even though it’s already been filmed, I still cringe when he’s ripping someone apart and can’t imagine how that would feel. Also, Chopped is so thrilling, watching them try and put together a meal on […]