You’re always in your head…hopefully. So you get used to your own soundtrack. At other times in my life (thank God) it sang a happier tune, I wasn’t always this miserable. But you know shit happens and you get on that spiral of “I suck”, “the world would truly be better of without me”, “better to free up space”, do something stupid and “oh that’s another tally under ‘reasons to kill myself'”. So this track has been the norm for a couple years now, so it’s become very easy to believe if you know what I mean. I’m guessing most here do.
But then in my therapy session today that my mom came to (I’m almost 22, my therapist just likes getting an idea of family dynamic) and she’s in tears because I basically said, “Stop throwing resources in to me because I’m truly not worth it, I have no intentions of getting better anymore because all hope is lost”, and she responds with “You and your brothers are all that has ever mattered. We don’t care about anything else but the health and happiness of you 3.” It was heart wrenching because she was sobbing and the earnestness in her voice told me more than the words themselves. And it made me feel SO important, even though it’s my mom saying it. It’s just, to hear someone express those words to you and really mean it…you don’t hear that everyday. Even if it’s just one person telling you you’re the world to them, that’s almost enough, that means something yanno. All I hear everyday is MY voice telling me I’m worthless. So to hear my mom say I’m worth everything to her…kind of punched me in the gut. In a good/bad way. It was heart-wrenching because I’ve been building up my will to take my life and this kind of crumbled all my work. So it’s good for the sake of my life but bad for the sake of my “suicide will”, that weird will you have to build yourself up to to complete something so against natural instincts.
4 comments
I know how you feel.Ive decided to off myself thursday.and tonight my mom says your my special child i can never replace.totally sucks the soul out of you and puts you into a total guilt trip
This may sound bad but I’ve grown immune to it. At first when my mother use to talk to me and try to me make me feel guilty (I don’t think that wasn’t her intention… just a side effect)…. I would totally lose all my momentum for committing suicide… It was like a boost for my survival instinct….but then over time I realized she is my mother….9 times out of 10 a mother will say ANYTHING to make you feel better…..even if its not the truth…so despite her saying she cares and she loves me it doesn’t do anything for how I feel about myself my life and my circumstances and issues…..and to continue to suffer through this bullshit for the sake of not hurting anybody is something I can’t do….
Love mom. Even mom’s in the animal kingdom get upset when their offspring die. Yes, some eat their offspring. Not humans. Mom’s care, so you should care too. Think about her. You can’t kill yourself, imagine how she would feel, for the rest of her life. Poor mom, I hope you hug her, if you can hug her, you should.
I do hug her but it but it doesn’t stop the stares from happening every time I’m in public because of my terrible acne/scarring. So … this life truly isn’t worth it. Although I feel bad and can’t fathom what it’ll do to her…I’m never going to stop deteriorating on this earth so I don’t really want to do that to her either. Either way it’s going to suck for my beautiful mother, unfortunatley.