For roughly 5 years, I have struggled with being suicidal and depressed. For almost that entire time, I gave up. I blurred reality with stories, or anything really to distract myself. I started self harming 2 years ago. No one had any idea about any of this. My motivation for living, faded every day. I was in such a bad place, for so long. I was numb.
But then, this year, my freshman year of high school, I decided to do everything in my life differently, because then, maybe I would feel differently. It helped. A lot. I opened up to several people. I let my walls down. I was more social. I was unfiltered. I even fell in love. At one point, I was 3 solid months clean of scratching myself to the point of blood. I was doing better than I had been doing in years. The pain was still there sure, I don’t think it will ever fully go away, but it grew quieter, at least sometimes.
But then, everything went wrong. I had let my walls down, so I started getting really emotionally involved in people. Big things happened with these people. This led to me feeling so much. So insanely much. I felt everything after feeling nothing for years. Which mean I felt more pain, than I had ever allowed myself to feel. I’m not three months clean anymore. Now I’m worse than ever, knowing I tried so hard to change things, but in the end, am still writing poetry at 3 am. Am still unable to sleep because these images flash through my head. The air is still robbed from my lungs. And now I know there’s nothing I can ever do to stop it.
Is it better to feel numb all of the time? The pain there, but dull, faint happiness once in a blue moon. Or is it better to feel? To have really big highs, that make life seem worth everything, but huge lows that lead to the knife?