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I can’t

by scarsandstars

I cant keep doing this. The days all feeling the same. They all feel faded and grey, I come home with the intention of picking up a blade to my thighs, and then am tempted to swallow a handful of pills. I can’t keep doing this. Regretting the same things, replaying the same memories, feeling the same heartbreak. I can’t keep going through this constant cycle of loving and losing, it just hurts too much. Everything hurts too much

. I’m still in high school. I have amazing friends and family. I have my entire life ahead of me. I should be okay. I should be happy. But the past 6 months have been hell. I lost people I loved. I made the biggest mistakes of my life. Everything fell apart beyond repair, and is still falling apart. I’ve gotten help, only it hasn’t helped, I’m broken in a way no one can see let alone heal.  I can’t remember the last time I felt okay. During class I look like I’m taking notes, when really I’m drafting my suicide letters to my friends. They’re the only reason I’m not gone already.

I just don’t understand how everything can go so wrong so fast. I don’t understand why I care so much, why I feel so much or nothing at all. Why this world has to be all or nothing. I don’t understand anything. Maybe this life just isn’t for me. And maybe that’s okay.

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