My father told me that he thinks our cat is “on the way out”. On Christmas Eve. All I could say is “Why would you say that to me?” and go to the bathroom, my safe place. I turned on the water and cried for half an hour, my mind going to different places where I would be in less emotional turmoil. I wish I could experience everything I imagine for real, but I am not meant for any of that. I thought maybe I made it up in my head, and my father didn’t say any of that to me. He didn’t even apologize […]
looking at my classes for next semester are making me feel fucking sick and disgusted. i hate meeting new people and having to leave the old ones behind. i am no good at people–i don’t understand them and they do not like me very much, not at all. i wish i could be in a high-school system where i’d have to deal with the same kids for a year and then switch; even then, it would be very possible to have a lot of the same people i know in my classes from year to year. in college, it’s definitely a gamble. you’ll probably get […]
today was a very odd day for me, one of those “subdued excitements” that I don’t recognize and stop before it comes to bite me in the ass. Excitement just leads to catastrophic levels of disappointment for me. I get my hopes up because my mind comes up with these amazing–and yet, impossible–scenarios about what will happen. And they never happen, even the worst of the best! It’s always just flat-out bad shit that happens. Today was primed to go spectacularly in my mind, even though if it had occurred the way it was planned it still probably would have been shitty. But no! It […]
“Drastic means are not as necessary as you think.” Why did I have to get this stupid fucking cookie.
not in the form i thought it would. i got the A in math, I got all As. but yesterday i fainted after taking a shower, it was the wildest thing in the world, it’s never happened before. and that part wasn’t that bad. it was after going to the hospital (everyone told me that i should go, i didn’t want to be that person who says no when everyone else is saying yes) that i realized how terrible it was. i had no one to come and pick me up. i have no friends, and the people that i know with cars…well, i assumed […]
this past week has been good to me. i should be very grateful for the people in my life who seem to care about me–but i’m not. (i’m still more grateful for the people i like who i am not sure even like me back as a person. whenever they give me the time of day it feels as though they’re doing me a great service that i should be appreciative of, and i am.) yesterday was such an amazing day. i finally got what i’ve been wanting for months now, and i finally got to hug him (no one else’s hugs matter compared to […]
it’s funny how i’m just a natural listener and talker. so many people are just one or the other, but i need to listen to other people so they can get their feelings and problems out and also talk about my own problems and just about dumb shit that is important to me. i wish i could just pick a side, but i can’t. i listened as my roommate talked to me about her concerns about her academics and her friends back home which I thought was nice. i tried to be as responsive as possible so that it would seem more like a conversation, […]
I mistakenly got excited–not a lot, but enough to allow me to become disappointed when everything fell through and nothing turned out how I thought I would. I do not get excited very often. I loathe excitement and people who feel it a little too often for my tastes. They are more liable to get their hopes up, as well, which would make me feel bad for them, which would then just make me feel bad in general. Anyway, I went home for Thanksgiving break from college and for some reason thought that I would feel better, that being around my family would make me […]
it hurts to have a roommate who thinks that people are weak for getting help for their mental problems. i have tried and failed on that front, but there are so many people who need it to survive and function normally. i also suspect that her opinions are heavily based in her masking her own mental health issues, which to me are very apparent (i want to say she exhibits signs of either borderline personality or bipolar). yesterday when she came back she told me that she “made a friend,” whatever the fuck that means. she made a friend, nonetheless, and this friend apparently attempted […]
Someone told me a few days ago that their birthday was April 20th and that got me thinking about Columbine again. Of course, thinking about Columbine got me started on death and suicide again, so I watched a bunch of videos with shootings ending in suicide, and looking up suicide obituaries. I secretly thought I was moving forward, but I guess I’m not. I tried to look up how to tie a bedsheet noose, but it’s a lot different than an actual noose, judging by the photos online. I wasn’t even feeling suicidal until I started trying to make it, and then it just hit […]
I love pens. I love finding them on the ground or on a desk and taking them for myself. I don’t know what it is about having a lot of pens that makes me feel good. I just bought 108 pens on Amazon just now for pretty cheap. I feel guilty, though, because I am from a very poor family that never had the money to buy pens or pencils for school. We’d have a few that we used, the rest were my dad’s pens which we couldn’t use since he wanted to keep them for himself. Maybe I get it from my dad. I […]
I have a sort of big decision to make relatively soon. I hate change, I hate it so much, but it would save me money. I just don’t know how comfortable I’d feel living this way, with other people, when I’m already the world’s most passive push-over. I also pace a lot and need room and time to do that, so I don’t think that the other people I would be living with would like that. I’d also hate for them to figure me out and realize how I truly feel, how dead inside I am and how much this existence bothers me. I don’t […]
I’ve only been to one therapy session before. It was rather recent–maybe two or so weeks ago. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I made the appointment in a moment of desperation (I tried to interact with a person and it didn’t exactly work out). I though that instead of crying and cutting over it, I would be appropriate and handle my porcelain emotions carefully and not break myself. As soon as I called to make the appointment, I found out that I had to wait like 3 weeks. I lost it after I hung up and ended up cutting myself, […]
I feel very guilty for looking for a purpose. I know that the meaning of life is self-appointed, and as much as I try I know that I can’t find a reason. This is only day 6 of a weird bout of depression–I usually don’t get as depressed as this, where it heavily impacts me–but I am through with it. Why do I still go to lectures and pretend that all of this matters? Why do I still try to do well in class and get so fucking disgusted with myself when my grades aren’t the best? After undergrad is graduate and the formation of […]
I wish I didn’t feel the physical effects of depression. Lethargy is the worst–you can’t do anything and yet you can’t tell anyone why you can’t do anything. This entire weekend I’ve done nearly nothing, but why should I do anything anyway? All of our existences are inherently meaningless, our lives will end and we will all be Nothing. Truly, nothing in this life actually matters at all. And yet we go about as though we have a purpose (well, most people do anyway, I suppose people like me do not) and believe that life is beautiful and sacred when it isn’t. Life is just […]