this past week has been good to me. i should be very grateful for the people in my life who seem to care about me–but i’m not. (i’m still more grateful for the people i like who i am not sure even like me back as a person. whenever they give me the time of day it feels as though they’re doing me a great service that i should be appreciative of, and i am.) yesterday was such an amazing day. i finally got what i’ve been wanting for months now, and i finally got to hug him (no one else’s hugs matter compared to his). still, i’m thinking about why yesterday might’ve happened. i want to say that he wasn’t totally using me–he was in one respect, but i technically agreed to be “used” and even then, it should be labelled as helping each other, as he extended his help to me but i just never took it, i did not need it–but i really don’t know. i’ve been fucked over by someone using me before, and years later it still hurts to think about. it really messed me up. even if it is silly to think that he just wanted to do something nice for me, i’m going to allow myself this delusion. the look on his face when he sat down next to me was the best thing i’ve ever seen…
anyway, i’ve gone off on a mild tangent. the point is that this NEVER happens to me. i never go this long feeling at least mildly decent. sure, i still THINK about suicide, but it’s an objective manner rather than feeling as though i’ve gotta do it right now. i still feel as though in time, i will, but it’s not going to be immediate. i know something is going to happen to put me back down–life always does. one good thing happens, but that thing doesn’t mean shit when it’s marred by all of the terribleness that life has to offer straight afterward. and i know what it is that’s going to happen, but honestly it’s all my fault and honestly? isn’t even that big of a deal. i wanted a 4.0 gpa this semester, but I feel strongly as though I only got a A-. this only bumps me down to a 3.92, which isn’t bad but it isn’t what i want. and it shouldn’t fucking matter to me anyway, none of this earthly bullshit should cause me any concern, i know that logically (or as logically as i can for someone who doesn’t fear death or believe in an afterlife), and yet i’m worried about my stupid grades. i am an academic overachiever for no reason, especially when i don’t do anything outside of academics (and i mean strictly schoolwork–i don’t participate in any college clubs due to my apathy toward hobbies and others); i’ve never had a job and i don’t have any social life, which i don’t mind going without terribly. so one A- and 5 As really should not matter, but it is my reversal of fortune. it will bring me down, and then not even his hugs can bring me out of the sadness that will ensue. it’s ridiculous.
1 comment
Thank you for commenting on my post. I really appreciated it.
I’ve been diagnosed different things over the years. I always knew I never had depression that was just a symptom. I went along with it because I thought whatever it was those drugs might help. Last week I was at work and for the first time couldn’t comprehend what people were saying. Their words didn’t make sense. That’s when I knew something was seriously wrong and rather than suffer the indignity I left. It was a good job but I was there under sufferance. At least the doctors are listening to me now.
I’m going to try and sort this out. Maybe after that I’ll give you a call or something.