cyclical

it’s funny how i’m just a natural listener and talker. so many people are just one or the other, but i need to listen to other people so they can get their feelings and problems out and also talk about my own problems and just about dumb shit that is important to me. i wish i could just pick a side, but i can’t. i listened as my roommate talked to me about her concerns about her academics and her friends back home which I thought was nice. i tried to be as responsive as possible so that it would seem more like a conversation, which would make her feel less bad since she notices that she does talk a lot, but it was still very one-sided. and then, being a narcissistic fuck, i tried to steer the conversation to myself because i had some stuff that i wanted to get off my chest just to get rid of that burden. almost no response. i talked for maybe two minutes and then we stopped talking, after listening to her talk for about an hour. the juxtaposition between ourselves and our level of patience and concern for one another is astounding! she did not pretend to care. it just made me feel really guilty that i wasted her time, talking about dumb shit that should be of no concern to me, even though it actually tears me up instead and poisons my entire mind. why doesn’t anyone ever ask me how i’m doing? i always ask them, and i always listen to them talk, but when they are done they never ask me back. i really should stop expecting this of people, because nothing i give out is ever returned to me, barring meanness. and anytime someone is nice to me, i suspect it’s because they are trying desperately to get rid of me so they are simply placating me until I am satisfied and leave. that’s why i want just one friend who is as fucked up as me who can return all of these feelings and we can share our thoughts and feelings and just be amazing together. but that’s fucking sick to wish on another person, this degraded state of existence and sense of self. that’s why it’ll never happen. i am meant to be wasting away.