Pens

I love pens. I love finding them on the ground or on a desk and taking them for myself. I don’t know what it is about having a lot of pens that makes me feel good. I just bought 108 pens on Amazon just now for pretty cheap. I feel guilty, though, because I am from a very poor family that never had the money to buy pens or pencils for school. We’d have a few that we used, the rest were my dad’s pens which we couldn’t use since he wanted to keep them for himself. Maybe I get it from my dad. I also bought a pencil case to put them in. I’m trying to feel normal, I think, by purchasing items that normal people have, like pens and pencil cases and erasers. Even though abnormal people have these things, too. I’m at a point where I don’t think I’m depressed, and I think that my outlook on life/suicide might just be a different point of view that is equally as valid. I still feel really down and out sometimes, especially after talking to normal people, and I still feel guilty for merely existing, but I don’t think that’s because of a mental illness. I think it’s just how I am. Maybe that’s another part of me rejecting that I am unwell in order to grasp on to the idea of normalcy. Suicidal ideation and sadness is my norm. I’ve lived with these feelings not for too long (4 years), but they are all I can remember. But I guess that’s not normal in society. I can buy all the pens and pretty things this world has to offer (although I’m still very poor so it’d have to be cheap) but I will never be normal in society’s eyes. That infuriates me.