FUUUUUCK! I’ve really fucked up. I apologize to any youngins reading this. Damn it.
Music to sooth, de-stress and encourage to seek beauty for the depressed, traumatized, and self loathing alike. Try to keep pushing. I hope you enjoy. If you have a good sound systems kudos.
Ravel – Bolero: Best sound quality I could find on YT.
Zero 7 – Destiny:
Massive Attack – Teardrop
Sia – Numb:
Zero 7 – This World:
And lastly another well known classical piece by Prokofiev that is very inspiring Montagues and Capulets.
This task is just too difficult to complete. I honestly see myself dying old and alone if I keep on living. I’m the youngest person in my immediate family. I Refuse to bare children and pass on my fucked up genes to some poor child that has no chance of being normal with me as a mother. Coming from a family that isn’t very close to begin with I would most definitely grow old and become one of those poor old people that society just throws away. I’m close to being there already at the age of 22. It’s just that my parents wont give up on me. But what about when they’re gone?
Do I just try and stick it out another 40 years? My parents are surely stubborn enough to stick around until they’re well near 100 to see me finally be happy. I just wish that they could see that I’m a failure as a person. I cannot connect with anyone. I am not normal. I have no choice but to be alone. And it’s so difficult to bare. I’ve developed a spasm in my left leg muscle. I think that it’s from hitting the right side of my head so much and so hard. I hope that I haven’t caused any permanent damage. It just happens when these memories come into my head.
I have a very dark secret. I don’t think that I love my family. It’s so complicated. My worst fear is to hurt them. But when I really think about it I don’t feel like I love them. I cant really remember the last time that I felt love. What is love? How do you know when you feel it? I actually think that I felt love for my parents when I was a child. I remember adoring them. My mom especially was the center of my world. But at a certain time, I can’t really remember when, I just started to feel numb. Maybe it was when my misery became the center of my world. I think that I hate myself the most for this. Not feeling love for my parents and my siblings. What the fuck is wrong with me? I wish that I could just unmake myself. Just not be anymore. Why must I exist? I know there is a plan. But why me? I hate myself. Why do I have to have these people that love me. I should have been born into a fucked up family with an absent father and a mother that resented me. A mother that secretly hated me. Then it wouldn’t be a problem. I’d just down that darvon and be done with this life. I’d go off in the here after and will myself into oblivion. Just not be. I want that more than anything. I think more than anyone has ever wanted anything. I just want to not be.
You know some people believe that we chose this life. That before we were born and still in a spiritual existence we chose the parents we would be born to and even the specific traits that we will possess as individuals. Even if you have some type of debilitating disease or deformity. Everything. Right down to the life circumstances and the people who will surround you (we choose each other of course in this regard). And the reason is because we are all in reality God. The purpose of all of this is God or the Creator seeking to experience many different identities. But it’s not just humans. It’s cat’s dogs, the trees the leaves the grass. Everything. Everything in existence has “this breath of life” from the source and the ultimate goal is to reach a state of love in the physical realm. Because that is what the creator essentially is. Love. And it is most difficult to reach this level in the state we are in. Also it is the most difficult for humans because we are the truest expression of individuality. So life is like this really advanced university that we have agreed and actually wanted to attend to better ourselves because it betters the whole. Or something like that.
You know I kind of believe all of this. But it doesn’t make me feel that much better. But maybe it will make someone else feel better.
It makes more sense to me than Christianity.
Suicide is selfish and I dare anyone to challenge me on that fact. Now of course there are exceptions to the rule such as the terminally ill or people that are in advanced old age. But for everyone else it’s selfish. Right?
See I myself am suicidal and I have been suicidal for a very long time now. But one huge reason that I just can’t bring myself to successfully do the deed is that it’s such a selfish act. No matter how lonely I may feel, or how much I hate myself, my suicide would have an extremely negative effect on my family. My parents would especially have to deal with the embarrassment along with the guilt and grief of it all. I’ve caused myself enough embarrassment, it just wouldn’t be fair to cause them any too.
I mean just think about this scenario; A person that you don’t even know very well from school commits suicide. Although you may not have been best friends with this person, you saw them everyday. You may have seen them laugh while they were speaking with someone. Or maybe they always looked serious. In any event the news of their suicide kind of shakes you. Why is that?
Now just think how your family will feel when they find out you’ve killed yourself. These are the people who saw you when you were still in your mom’s stomach. The people who saw you when you were so small and cute and full of promise. It would be so heartless of you to shock and disappoint them like that.
Now it’s time for my excuses:
I am a little less than a quarter of a century in years. That sounds young but consider this. I have no friends. Save for the couple of people that have tolerated my presence throughout the years (non of them could bare to stick around), I have always been totally alone. I am totally isolated. And I no doubt did it to myself. I also have immense self hatred. Every morning that I wake up I am angry. I am so angry that I am given another day while someone else who may have so much more to live for died from cancer, an aneurysm, or a random cardiac arrest.
I was actually jealous of Brittany Murphy when I heard that she died. Mind you I’m not into the whole Hollywood thing but I actually liked Brittany Murphy. She seemed so sweet, and she was talented, and she actually brought joy into many people’s lives through her acting. People say that she was best known for her part in “8 mile”. But I really liked her in “Clueless”, Sin City, “Uptown Girls”, “Happy Feet” and pretty much everything that I saw/heard her in. I really enjoy light hearted films. They take me out of my depression if only for an hour and half to two hours.
Why did someone like her have to die so soon? She’s wasn’t even that much older than I am. Why can’t I take someone like her’s place in death? It was like a slap in the face when I woke up that morning and logged on to see her face and the caption reading “Brittany Murphy Dead at ageÂ 32”. And then to read that it was of “natural causes” meaning some random freak bodily malfunction. Here I am since the age of 7 praying every day to the creator that he would have mercy on my pitiful pathetic existence and just put me out of my misery. And he kills this person who is doing their best to live their dreams and is for all intensive purposes living their life to the fullest. I mean come on.
I didn’t know Britanny and I know that her life wasn’t perfect. But who’s life is? And this doesn’t just go for famous people. This applies to anyone who is living their life to the fullest. Keep them around and let us suicidals who’ve fucked up our lives enough just die.
The fact of the matter is that I hate my life but I cannot kill myself. Even though I’m such an abhorrent person. Even though I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. Even though I have no motivation for life. Even though I don’t have any friends. Even though I have wished to be dead every single day since I was at least 7 years old. I cannot kill myself because my parents will never recover. You may think that I should try to do something about it. That I should try to make my life better. But I have tried. I’ve gone to therapy. That didn’t work. I was on medication. Ended up hurting me in the short run (you don’t want to know). I went to school and tried to feel better about myself and I just ended up making a fool of myself as usual and humiliating myself. I just don’t think that life is for me. But how do I convince everyone else of that?
Does anyone else ever wonder why things have to be this way? Why do shiny happy people die too soon, or even just regular averagely happy people. While suicidals have to remain. We hate life so much yet we have to leave a huge fucked up mess behind by killing ourselves. So not only are our loved ones left with the sadness of how bad they felt for us when we were alive but then they are left feeling the impossible, that they could have or should have done something about it. What a cosmic fucking joke.
Here’s to hoping that I have the strength to hold on. I have my suicide supplies with me but I have yet to use them. Obviously. I find it funny that before I got my supplies I was really loosing it. But Now I have a little more clarity. It’s like if it gets really bad my escape is right here. Since it is I can consider everything. Because there’s no considering after I do it. Unless the creator likes me enough to just let me have a near death experience and send me back a changed person. Alright I’m out. I just needed to vent a little.
I have to add that I don’t believe that all depressed people are justified in killing themselves and also that there is always room for change as long as we’re alive. I left a lot of stuff out of this rant concerning the reasons behind why I want to commit suicide. But I know that even for me there is a possibility that I could change my life for the better if I worked really hard at it. Someone let me know about something called EFT. It’s supposed to be a cure all for literally every kind of pain. Emotional and physical. I haven’t tried it yet as I don’t have the drive to live and it’s so much easier beating myself up. But the fear of hurting people that actually love me may cause me to try it soon.
Check it out:
Good Luck all.
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