I told my girlfriend that im feeling very suicidal but she’s manic and hallucinating and keeps yelling at someone who she says is in her house. JUst the fucking situations I get myself into are horrible and it is like I set myself up for disaster. I don’t know what I am doing with my life anymore.
is my mothers birthday and the anniversary of my fathers death. I haven’t said happy birthday to my mother in 7 years. It is not a joyous day, so I don’t think there is any point in saying it. It makes me feel horrible but I literally can’t find it in me to say it. And Mother’s Day is not too far behind. Worst daughter of the year.
I used to think it was SSRI’s. The Lexapro, Paxil, Lexapro doing it to me. I would have these dreams that I could not separate from reality. My therapist at the time told me it was lucid dreaming because at some point in the dream I would be able to say this is not real and wake up. The problem is I don’t take an SSRI anymore so it worries me that I can still dream this way. Am I going crazy? Sometimes I feel like I can’t even separate my dreams from reality. I wake up crying saying someone has passed away or my […]
back to my homeplace and I do not the feelings I should. I am not excited or even remotely happy about it. I am frightened. I have the usual, “common”, yet unrealistic anxiety about the actual flight itself. Its the other things I am worried about too. About running out of medication, about having an anxiety attack, about not being able to sleep, about having alcohol, about losing my mind by not having routine, not doing enjoyable activities, having to lie about who I am because my family won’t accept me. I took the vacation in the first place because I needed to escape my […]
I thought someone should know, in case I don’t wake up or something because I know that is a possibility. Fuck.
I just can’t leave her. I have but I always come back to her, crawling begging for forgiveness as if I have done some unforgivable deed. I came to the realization this morning that I am frightened. That the emotional distress and pain I have felt whether it was her fault or not is not worth going through again and that for that reason I shouldn’t leave her. I told myself that if it needs to be this difficult, and I have already done it with her ( though it doesn’t get any easier), why should I have to do it all over again […]
I myself am not well but I am with someone who is bipolar and I guess I thought against all odds, we would make it. Things used to be worst. I was there though, I held her fucking hand the entire time although I was scared of her. She is a bit more stable now, but I don’t know. I guess I need to hear it from other people, who don’t know her, to tell me I shouldn’t be doing this with her. Her manic phases make me want to commit suicide because of how she makes me feel. I don’t want to sound […]
I just got told that im not trying hard enough.
Which kinda makes me want to you know, not try at all.
Give up completely.
im so lost.
The Sickness – the nausea-
the pitiless pain-
Have ceased, with the fever
That maddened my brain-
With the fever called “Living”
That burned in my brain
– Edgar Allen Poe
Don’t you dare ask me why I adore his work.
I just miss and crave the not so occasional drinks that would lead to reckless behavior because at this moment when I want to feel something I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. I’m not suicidal but I know that what I am feeling leads up to it. And no one can know. Everyone had their life together again but me. I feel so alone. I literally don’t feel like I belong in my own skin. I don’t like anything that I am right now or have become these past few months.
I hurt so much
I’m in the arms of my two year old niece, who says “don’t cry titi, it’s okay” and I can’t help but get the thought that at this moment- she is worth fighting the urge for. For this very moment, I will not give up for her.
I told my therapist the truth about my suicidal thoughts and what they call tendencies. I told her how I planned my recent attempt 2 months in advanced and how the day before my set date, I had what I can definitely say was the worst anxiety attack I have ever had that led me to thinking somehow that overdosing would be a quieter method. Needless to say I failed and the 2 weeks after were filled with physical pain, alcohol and self -harm. I told her that a month after my attempt, I can’t talk about it. The words do not come out of […]
I don’t really try to be. It fucking sucks that I have to be around people who usually would make me feel better, and not feel better.
I love her because sheâ€™s perfect. Contrary to popular belief she is absolutely perfect. From the way her hair looks in the morning to the way her feet are always warm, she is perfect. I love her for being that person who looks into my eyes – who reaches into my soul to bring out the hope and happiness. I love her for the way seeing her smile, can bring tears into my eyes. I love her for her heart and how itâ€™s big, compassionate and kind. I love her for her soul, which everyday shines brighter and brighter through her eyes. I love her […]
Define me. They shouldnâ€™t but they do. They are why I tell people to not hurt themselves, that life is worth it yet canâ€™t seem to see it or believe it myself. They are why people give me awkward looks when they see I donâ€™t find anything amusing. The reason why at a glance others see my scars and grab my arm and demand to know why Iâ€™m doing it to the myself. They are the reason why I cut and burn, because they want proof theyâ€™ve been here. They are the reason why I walk on a Bridge or high ledge, my heart beats […]
Honestly, I’m scared. I’m scared of everything because since March I have been trying to find ways to get by. I’ve used every goddamn coping skill you could think of. All of them and sure they relieve how I feel but it doesnt change it in the long run. I was stupid when I tried to die. I was supposed to jump. That was my plan initially, but I got fucking scared of being stopped, being seen, so I found an alternative. I should’ve known it wouldn’t work. I should’ve thought of what would happen afterwards. I admit since going to the hospital I enjoy […]
I don’t really talk much about my suicide attempt but when I do, I get choked up and cry. She didnâ€™t know much about it but today, at her house she happened to be looking through my blog and read what I wrote on my day back from the hospital. I couldnâ€™t even look at her. She held me as I cried, and she did nothing but hold me for a while. I donâ€™t know how she does it. How she can be around me, someone so broken and torn between life and death all the time, and still manage to fucking smile. How she […]
Trying to kill myself was the best thing that couldâ€™ve happened. Because if I hadnâ€™t tried to and if I hadnâ€™t failed, I wouldnâ€™t feel the urge to change how I felt and I wouldnâ€™t have gone to Four Winds. It was tricky, I had just enough of the Nortatryptaline to go into coma but I just ended sleeping for a straight 48 hours. I then didnâ€™t leave my house for an entire week and was drinking so much, I decided physical pain would have been the answer to everything. I cut the word help into my arm and cried myself to sleep that night. […]