I don’t really talk much about my suicide attempt but when I do, I get choked up and cry. She didn’t know much about it but today, at her house she happened to be looking through my blog and read what I wrote on my day back from the hospital. I couldn’t even look at her. She held me as I cried, and she did nothing but hold me for a while. I don’t know how she does it. How she can be around me, someone so broken and torn between life and death all the time, and still manage to fucking smile. How she can love me and trust me when I’m alone to not harm myself – I don’t know but she does. She’s always talking about how I’m strong and shit but I’m not. She is the definition of strong. I can’t imagine having to go through this with her. If she was broken and contemplated suicide every waking minute, I wouldn’t be able to smile. Because it would crush me to see the person I love go through that. If she sticks by me, through this- I’m going to marry her and be with her for the rest of my life because it means she out of all the people in my life who tried to help- held my hand through my ugliest, darkest moment and didn’t look back. Every time I want to harm myself I think about how she has faith in me and trusts me. I try so hard to do other things- to do anything but. And so far it’s working. And I hope, this passes because I love you and want to make you happy but I know I can’t do that if I’m dead. So that’s why I still try. That’s why I’m trying not to give up.