growing restless
with relentless panic
and I know the cure
a quick slice of the knife
and all the pain rushes out
gushes out in pools of blood
or I can take those pills
crush them to a fine powder
vacuum them up my nose
into my bloodstream
feel the particles deep in my marrow
finding the pain in every corner
and killing the last bit of it
or a quick shot of vodka
and then eight more
and all the weight off my shoulders
slipping away like a distant memory
but all these cures fade fast
and here I am again
feeling so restless
it starts
in the pit of my stomach
an ache
sort of
uneasiness
it crawls
up my spine
growing
spreading chills
across my body
then it finds my heart
makes itself at home
feeds on all warmth
and comfort
a parasite of the soul
draining me of will
leaving the emptiness
nothing but emptiness
I pick up the blade
make another scar
another regret
but what else
what else to distract
to divert the mind
the drinking
it helps
for awhile
and the pills
take away the pain
make the days shorter
more bearable
but its all fleeting
moments to live
then the dying comes
but its worse now
the dying is worse now
Back from the dead, again
Yet nothing is different
Oh will you make the morning tea?
Yes mother I would be delighted
I have laundry to do
Still unpacking from school
I might have a fever
You’re always complaining, he says
Stop putting your stuff all over my bed!!
my bed was full; I had nowhere to sit
Didn’t you just have a sandwich?
You’re making another?
I’m still hungry
*disapproving glance*
Oh hello I haven’t heard from you in awhile =)
I’ve missed you
yeah…I was wondering
if you would do my online homework for me
I would take the knife and pills
try it again
maybe even […]
How did this happen?
When did it all fall apart?
I had it all
the brains the grades
the friends the loves
had the goals and ambition
was on top of the world
ready for it all
then I stumbled
must of been a little pebble
a twig out of place
it tripped up my step
and dropped me all the way
and now I’m here
broken
broken beyond fixing
broken and too tired to fix
broken and alone
slowly dying
You are only here
when you need something
when you want something
Where are you
when I need something
when I need someone
Why is it not enough
never enough
to be there
watching listening and cherishing
What about my presence
drives people away
I’m tired of initiating
yet still being ignored
I would rather live
a life of complete solitude
but the moments
the random bouts of “friendship”
leave me emptier than I began
Mother, you have your stresses
you share them with me
but my stresses stay inside
Father, you are miserable
and let anyone with ears know
my misery stays quietly in my heart
Brother, you are thoroughly disappointed
and make it well known
my disappointments silently weigh down on me
Sister, you weep out your sorrows
while I listen gently
my tears are silent and unseen
It appears that I’m alright
I’m holding it all together
well adjusted and quite content
Sometimes I try
try to open up
never really comes out
can’t tell anyone I’m dying
Mom you know I’m stressed
its okay though
you tell me the […]
I have wants
that I know cannot be fulfilled
I desire a life
that is always fleeting
and will never be mine
Filled with dreams
that never take flight
Scared to hope
knowing I’ll be denied
So I’m left wandering
searching for something that matters
Idly waiting for something to happen
All the while knowing
expectations breed disappointment
I’m seen as cynical and dejected
but really I’m just being sensible
I keep wishing on flame-less candles
because, even light can’t save me now
i need one meaningful reason, just one thing thats worth living for
The secret to life is
that there really is no secret
the purpose of living
to see how long you can trick your brain
into thinking that there is some purpose
but really none of it matters
even everything that matters
so much right now
in a couple weeks
I’ll finally be gone
in a few years the people
who thought I mattered
will soon forget I ever was
and someday they’ll all be gone too
everyone who ever witnessed my existence
then eventually this world I called home
will cave into itself and be no more
and the sun, barely a twinkle in the […]
How long can I just stand in the shower
before the water finally washes me away
How long until I waste away into nothing
and become as hollow as I truly feel
How long do I wait in the howling wind
until it blows me away
leaving nothing but an eyelash
a spec of dust to prove I once was here
I’ve figured it out
this awful feeling
the nervous energy
the anxious panic
the relentless restlessness
the pressure crushing
it’s dread
dread pouring down on me
overpowering and drenching
dread at realizing
that this is all more than me
I was doomed from the begining
it’s more than a little wanting
more like an endless needing
an intuitive urging
a powerful yearning
or an aching longing
and all the reasons
so many reasons
but they all mean nothing
just a way of coping
or understanding
but its more than my choosing
my unavoidable ending
Death has been calling
my soul’s finally answering
and this feeling
it’s beyond all controlling
Spring break
time to celebrate
going home
where ever home is
but its not home
not anymore
it’s moved on
without me
and I without it
so without this home
I guess I’m homeless
just one more less
to add to the list
right after
hopeless
helpless
pointless
goalless
useless
worthless
defenseless
senseless
maybe even soulless
anymore less
just adds to the emptiness
It hits me again
another wave
caught off guard
and unprepared
heart beats faster
too fast for comfort
racing unnaturally
lungs too heavy
can’t inflate
smothered by
their own weight
can’t escape it
left devastated
by the panic wave
I’m defeated
powerless against it
so weak and defenseless
how can emptiness
such nothingness
be so heavy
weighing down on me
crushing everything within me
suffocating
leaving me helpless and hopeless
and desperate for anything
or nothing at all
just an ending
the comfort of dying
For the one who’s always
had it all together
I’m breaking pretty bad
You think that I’m some
amazing person
but I’m breaking pretty bad
you tell me that
you look up to me
but don’t you ever
dare become me
I’m breaking pretty bad
You call
I try not to pick up
or I say I’m too busy
but really I’m dying
and the sound
of your loving voice
somehow makes me
feel more lonely
so I’m sorry
The distractions
oh the distractions
but they only distract
for so long
every talk has
its final goodbye
every dream
sees the dawn
every book has
its “the endâ€
every song
its last verse
every bottle of liquor
its very last drop
and every joint
its final puff
and once the distractions
can distract no more
something else
must invade my mind
so the misery creeps in
makes itself at home
burrows away into my heart
and takes hold of my soul
and when all the distractions
diversions, hobbies and pastimes
can no more deflect my attention
I’m left longing
for the only salvation
There are chemicals
in my brain
that can make me
feel empty, lonely
completely insane
worthless, pointless
hopeless, and absolutely
fucking miserable
They make chemicals
to tell my brain
that I should actually
want to try and live
make me happy
feel complete
whole, and satisfied
They make chemicals
to make life full of
wonder and mystery
and magic and love
But in the end
its all just chemicals
all the feelings
the despair and isolation
or the contentment and pleasure
none of it is real
its all just chemicals
All the wanting
and needing
all the searching
for something to feel
something to heal me
when all I […]