So, tonight I’m in a bad place. I just don’t know what to do, I’m having job problems/ life problems. Basically, I’m hydrated so my drug test came back diluted and they’re threatening to send me home from training. I feel like I’m up against a wall. They’ve already sent me home once because I hadn’t been off my Ambien long enough. It’s horrible! I won’t even find out until Friday. If this doesn’t work out I’m completely broke and have no options. It makes me feel hopeless, like I’m fighting so hard to get ahead and all I get is worse off than before. […]
So, I couldn’t access this website for like a week so I started a blog  theventingspace.blog.com . Self harm is a pretty common thing for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I started cutting in February of 2012, I was self harming in different ways before that but nothing that was visible. I took laxatives, I had unhealthy relationships, I drank too much, and going wayyyy back to my early childhood( the only other time it was visible) I pulled out all my eyelashes and eyebrows and blamed it on an episode of Punky Brewster.  Now why would someone start cutting so late in life? I […]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gH2efAcmBQM
Maybe I should cry for help, maybe I should kill myself…
This is kind of random so bear with me.
The thought came to me the other day that every time we think about killing ourselves that we are in fact killing a part of ourselves. Every imagined attempt, every longing not to be here on this earth, I think it’s slowly killing our hope, our chance at  joy, and our soul. I know we are all hurting or we wouldn’t be on this website and yet I feel we are here to look for hope, to openly express our brokenness without fear of being rejected, to draw the poison out of our systems. The desire to […]
Sometimes/ most times it’s the littlest things that send me into a spiral. Today I thought I’d lost my wallet. I was at work over 50 miles from home and it was gone. At first I was calm retracing my steps then as I got closer and closer to not being able to find it in any of the locations I was at after I knew I had them last, it was like BOOM! Full on panic attack and spiral to why am I here, I hate being so miserable all the time, I just want to die. The dark place just swallowed me up. […]
I tried to kill myself today, but death didn’t want me any way.
I asked if I could stay for a while, he said its not your place with a smile.
As the tears rolled down my face I cried I just need some space. But he was gone without a trace and now I must linger in this place.
How cruel it is to be rejected by death and his scythe.
I’ve been struggling for a while now, it just feels like there’s only so much one person should have to handle. Some days I’m fine, I get up go to work, do what it is normal people are supposed to do. Most days…most days, I just want to die, not because I’m bored or lonely or crying out for attention; but because I’m tired. I’m tired of slogging through bull shit and being told that I just got dealt a shitty hand and if I stick it out it’ll get better. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of caring about everyone else and being cared […]