soapandwasser

I just feel crappy today. I don’t know what I should worry about. I don’t feel entirely useless, just slightly hopeless about my current situation. I’m not eligible to apply for any funds to support my studies, if I ever get accepted to the art school I want to go. And my dad told me to not be “selfish” and think about my sisters wanting to further their studies as well so urh. Yeah it’s crappy. To not seem to get the financial support needed. Well fuck it I guess.

But this week I’d been trying to be emotionally available to my friends that are […]

This is the most cliched comparison I could come up with but I have little to no motivation to live or die. I couldn’t care for myself as much as I should’ve. I couldn’t get my chores over and done with. I just lie anywhere I want to in the house and do nothing. I can’t do anything.

I’m tired. Of crying and not getting things done. And having nightmares. Really tired.

I want to die. There, I said it. Am I gonna do anything about it? Nope. I want to die. But I’m not going to attempt again so I’m back and forth with wanting to live and wanting to just give up. Not that I could care.

I’ve did some terrible things during the months that I were gone from this site, that if I think about them; I’ll start self-harming again so I’m trying not to think about any.

I’m sad. And I want to just give up being alive. Oh well.

I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. And to be honest, having […]

What a weird place to be. But I’m alive, I made it.

Cut off a bad person, passed through my worst in these two years, found real love (for now).

It’s safe to say I won’t hurt myself anymore. And I’m in good hands, I’m so glad.

But I sometimes look back at where I am now and think about the months when I used to be here. It was real. All of it valid. And what I am now is real as well. I feel like I healed.

So unreal. Everything is. Thank you for the ones who told me to stay back. I […]

I deleted some of my posts and I’m here hoping i dont have to post on here anymore.

maybe i won’t anymore.

lol as if im really gonna go off myself right?? haha.

I’m a fairly talkative person, depending on my mood. But I somehow, always make friends with the quiet ones. I feel like talkative people can be draining (and while I immensely enjoy their presence at times, I probably have not enough energy capacity to keep up with one).

Having said that, let’s talk about my quiet friends. These are the ones that I’m usually attracted to. The ones I tend to form a friendship with but later down the line decides that we’re better off not talking to each other every single day. It’s for the best if they can’t stand me.

The ones that would just […]

Jealousy is weird. Sometimes I’m aware of how ridiculous it is to feel so but I still feel it. I then would try to push it away cause being jealous is, I think the most useless feeling I could’ve experienced but I would still feel it.

S,

So you asked me why I suddenly cut my hair when early this year maybe I’ve talked about letting it grow.

One of the reasons because I wanted to have the shortest hair I could have in my 20s. So mission accomplished, maybe.

The other being, I haven’t been well. I just couldn’t tell you what’s happened. These few months had been awful and I don’t want to burden you with my break downs more than you’re already buried under layers of assignments. That’s your future, I don’t think I’ll be in it so, priorities.

This year had been a little rough, I did things I […]

I wonder if I could live long enough to be a grandmother. If not to my own grandchildren, to my sisters’.

I wonder if I could make it to the end of this year. I wonder will I ever scoop up any courage to flee for the first time.

I wonder will I ever get to kiss my partner. I wonder if I’ll be known for my voice. I wonder if I could live as a cultural muslim in this stupid society.

I wonder why my partner even loved me when he don’t know how he knew he loved me.

Not suicide related. Rant ahead.

I think I’m more shallow than your local kiddie pool. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for people that aren’t even average looking. It’s wonderful though seeing these people finding love everywhere, and for that I secretly applaud them cause I don’t even know if I can get past someone’s look before falling for them.

I know it has something to do with my insecurities. I’m aware that it’s silly to think my looks are superior than anyone that’s not conventionally attractive. And that I should fix these mean thoughts but I don’t know how.

People say to focus on your […]

I can’t wait until the day I blow all the money in my account so I’d get to see my partner that’s living at the other end of the world.

Only to realise my plan when I get back home a week after. I’m determined on finalising it. Just one attempt and if I fail, I’ll live on like the failure that I am, and with the consequence of it.

I don’t want to traumatise him like I did my friends during my attempt two years ago but I don’t want to stay alive any more.

He’s too good to be true. So clever in his studies. I […]

im just gonna hit myself again.

and cut off people for a little bit.

that’ll help i guess.

Being called out is embarrassing, moreso from a people with thousands of followers seeing you being called out, and they agree how lame your thoughts are by retweeting or liking.

For one I know that I am right and have some people agreeing to my opinion but I still think it is my fault for giving out such a weak answer, and thus resulting to being called out.

And, I’m so weak at times like this. I can’t accept any disagreement and I just hit myself again. Irrational. I kind of hate myself for it but at the same time, the pain feels kind of…good? Like a […]

I just hit my arms a bit with a hardcover book cause I couldn’t cut myself.

And now I feel slightly better. Except that I want to hit myself again every now and then. It’ll be fine though.

I never really understood why

I always felt out of place.

It don’t really make sense to me cause growing up, I moved a lot. Supposedly that makes me able to adjust to new environments but no, I’ll always feel alone.

1. I’ll never be able to absorb the local accent/dialect fast enough so I speak in this funny (I guess it’s funny to my friends then), mish-mash of whatever accent/dialect I heard all my life. And locals end up making fun of my pronunciation and laughing at how funny I look like trying to speak like them.

2. I used to feel this disconnect with people around me. […]

I looked up the name of someone that died from suicide around 4 years ago and found that people made a facebook page for him.

This person was my friend’s brother. And his dad still misses him now and then. I felt an ache in my chest thinking about his death, and I just cried a bit for it.

I don’t know this person. But I missed him and whatever he could’ve been. If he is still around, he would’ve been 22 this year. I want to hug him.

A, you never get to know me but I miss you. I miss you so much.

I couldn’t find my cutter knife and now I’m feeling a bit anxious. I put it away yesterday but now that I need it I feel like I couldn’t relax if I couldn’t find it.

A song that reminds you, or make you imagine how life could’ve been without whatever’s that been ailing you?

A song that may have temporarily lifted your spirits. Two, three songs will be good too.

when i was in primary school, i used to ask my mother to help me solve my homework. no matter how much i asked, no matter how much she explained, i never really get it.

and then i hear her scream in my ear, calling me names. and i wondered back then if i had a learning disability, if im everything she told me in her rage.

despite that, i still did ok at school, maybe. and never really know it for she never gave encouragements and the like. one thing i believed then that if im clever, she’ll love me. and so i just studied. and […]

I just feel so alone. I know I’m not though. I have all of you here.

It’s just that I have things I can’t solve, my dreams are near impossible to reach now, I don’t even know if I have dreams anymore. Everyday pass me by and I’m just stuck watching my friends move on and trying to live their best lives ever. Nobody knows I’m planning my death, I couldn’t tell them.

Everybody thinks I’m fine when I just don’t want to tell them what goes in my mind. I couldn’t tell them.

There was a time when I thought that everyone feels as suicidal as me […]