Author

solus4

Bleh

by solus4 5/2/2011

written by solus4

To anyone who knows of me / remembers me, I’m unfortunatly still here. I’ve barely eaten in about 2 weeks now bar a biscuit or two which made me feel completely sick.

I’ve taken to deeper cutting now, preffering to get a knife whenever I can and go real deep rather than just slash a little with scissors or like.. watching the inital cut and the blood flow just does something nothing else can do.

I had a bad session with my counselld or the other week which left me completely confused and I’m still in that confused state now. ‘do I want to die? what if […]

5/2/2011 4 comments

Remembering

by solus4 4/26/2011

written by solus4

WhenÂ he thinks back to beforeÂ his depression, it really does go all hazy. WasÂ he ever happy? Was it just a dream? It really does seem that way. He litterally cannot remember how to feel happiness anymore.Â He can’t get that smile that says “I’m happy without a care in the world” anymore, He’s lost it.

WhenÂ he thinks back to happy memories, it actually givesÂ him a headache. Just because he cannot remember how to feel that joy, that happiness. How is he supposed to get back to something he doesn’t know how to feel anymore?

Did all of those things really happen to him? Was he in love with the […]

4/26/2011 1 comment

Reign Over Me.

by solus4 4/21/2011

written by solus4

I’m watching ‘Reign Over Me’ for the second time in a row right now.

I just thought I’d make a post, but anyone who is here and depressed/suicidal etc because of a loss whether it be a break up, death, missing, anything. I really reccomend you watch the film Reign Over Me. Infact, even if you’re just suffering from depression you might be able to relate..

It’s Adam Sandler, so you might think it’s a comedy but honestly it’s not. He plays a man, broken by all of his family dying in the 9/11 attacks and blocks out all memories as if all of his life before […]

4/21/2011 1 comment

Dark.

by solus4 4/20/2011

written by solus4

He loved that feeling when afternoon gave way for the grim feel of evening. When the light in the sky passed over and made way for the dark. He could turn the light on but, no, he prefers the dark. Some people are afraid of the dark, why? It’s not the dark they’re afraid of, it’s what’s in it. But he liked thinking that there might be something in it. Maybe something will come out attempting to inflict more pain on him which unknown to whatever it is, will be exactly what he wants. Taking away the responsibility of him having to do it himself. […]

4/20/2011 4 comments

Rainy Day

by solus4 4/20/2011

written by solus4

The door rang. Feelings of anxiety and displeasure began to swarm over him like a plague. He opened the curtain to pear out. He hated the outside world, but atleast today it looked more like him. He pressed his nose against the glass. A thick layer of fog surrounded the area, reminding him of how cloudy his vision into the future is, how he cannot see one for himself. The rain was falling hard and fast. People were trying to get to shelter or get out their umbrellas. It reminded him of how he had heard he was dragging everyone down, by being how he […]

4/20/2011 4 comments

Fuck

by solus4 4/19/2011

written by solus4

That’s all I can say. Fuck life and fuck everything. Fuck trust, fuck truth, fuck honesty. I walk in today to my counselling appointment which I asked for, since I needed to speak. I needed to unload so maybe just maybe I could feel some pain, because cutting or sitting alone just felt so empty. I walk in, and not only have they invited a second counsellor to “assess me”, they’ve invited my parents.

But no, it’s okay, I can talk alone first with just the counsellors. I burst into tears, they barely even fucking ask. Just start going on about urges, risk and their responsibility […]

4/19/2011 6 comments

Maeliin

by solus4 4/19/2011

written by solus4

For anyone that knows of Maeliin,Â there isÂ some trouble with parents, and the internet has been shut off. I was asked to let you all know that Maeliin is still currently with us, unfortunatlyÂ contemplating it today or tomorrow.. but may not be able to come on SP for a while, or anymore.

4/19/2011 1 comment

How I felt today.

by solus4 4/18/2011

written by solus4

So I took my sleeping pill in the early hours of the morning, and it kept me in peace until 8am. I woke up, drowsy. I think I drifted off again.. til 10am. But when I woke up then, I felt weird.

I felt lost, today. I feel empty, there so much pain and thoughts going on in my head but.. I can’t make them come out. I can’t cry today, I can’t feel. I feel disconnected from the world, like I’m not a part of it.

Even punching things, or cutting, didn’t make me cry or have them come out. I didn’t even feel the pain.

Today, […]

4/18/2011 1 comment

It’s strange

by solus4 4/17/2011

written by solus4

I’m even starting to feel like, I don’t belong even on this site.

Like people are judging me, thinking I’m pathetic or not worth the time.

Even on a site where, suicide is the topic, and people are sharing their troubles, I feel like I’m not worthy of doing the same.

Guess it doesn’t matter if I eventually get the ending to my pain that I really want.

4/17/2011 43 comments

Just can’t do it..

by solus4 4/17/2011

written by solus4

This is the first post i’ve made to the internet since all this has happened, but here goes:

My girlfriend of 14 months left me in december and it was pretty sudden. We’d been having a few problems, nothing major, but we’d worked everything out. She was lying to me alot, going out to parties and telling me I couldn’t go with her and the reason was so she could see her friends as when i was there she felt stuck with me. She was talking/flirting with this boy alot online, I’d seen it and asked her but sheÂ insisted they were just friends. She promised […]

4/17/2011 8 comments