That’s all I can say. Fuck life and fuck everything. Fuck trust, fuck truth, fuck honesty. I walk in today to my counselling appointment which I asked for, since I needed to speak. I needed to unload so maybe just maybe I could feel some pain, because cutting or sitting alone just felt so empty. I walk in, and not only have they invited a second counsellor to “assess me”, they’ve invited my parents.
But no, it’s okay, I can talk alone first with just the counsellors. I burst into tears, they barely even fucking ask. Just start going on about urges, risk and their responsibility to keep me safe. Bullshit. I trust them with one fucking secret, one thing. I told them that I’d been cutting. “Do you want your parents to know because they’re joining us in a minute?” No of course I don’t want them to know. It’s something I do for myself, to feel pain and to relieve pain. They won’t understand, they’ll be angry. “Oh, okay”.
It’s just an ambush. Getting everyone there, getting me to open up alone, setting a false sense that my secret is safe and then spilling it everywhere, so they all know.
“We’re just trying to help”
Help? You want to fucking help? I already have bad trust issues now, thats why I hadn’t said anything before. How about you fucking listen. Look up what help is in the dictonairy.
“to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; assist”
Yeah, thats what help is. Not stabbing someone in the back so that you can feel like your fucking responsabilities are safe. It’s selfish, force someone to endure life and pain just so you can fucking feel like your doing your job. Suicide isn’t selfish, that is.
Funny how you betray my fucking trust right before you leave. Well, it’s going to be hard to assess me now isn’t it? You think I’ll open up to you and trust you with my darkest secrets now?
You think telling people about my harming will make them more alert to me, won’t stop me. Death is enivitable, it’s just a matter of when and how.
6 comments
The world is really a messed up place. Sometimes I think counselors try to help but end up making things worse than ever before. In my opinon, we need to have some serious changes about in rules and proceedings so that EVERYONE can have a right to 100% privacy…even if they are under 18. How old are you, Solus4?
I’m 17, not far off 18. I just think it’s disgusting the fact that they know so much about me, know about my lack of confidence and how hard I find it to trust.. They really did lure me into a false sense of security, said okay they wouldn’t tell them.. then as soon as they enter they open their mouths.
The second counsellor “assessing me” pretty much said “get over it” too.
What they did to you was cheap. Maybe they thought you’re parents could help you in your situation, considering your age; but to invite them without asking you first is just wrong. Are they so blind?
It seems to me as if they didn’t really react to you, just running standard procedure. I also have the impression that many counselors think it is done by just telling you to stop being depressed. “get over it”, “oh good idea. why didn’t I think of that. thanks” As if they weren’t taking you seriously.
Did you tell them you feel betrayed? Make it clear that this is not helpful.
I don’t get the concept of an “assessing counselor”, either. ?!
I can appreciate maybe they thought they’d be able to help but they should have asked me if I thought it would help, and I don’t think it will. It’s just made everything really awkward now, I know what they know, and they know what I’ve done.
I would’ve expected that, maybe if I’d never been before but.. I’ve been for a couple of months now, wouldn’t expect ‘standard procedure’ but it was just.. ugh.
I know, it’s just a stupid thing to say. If I could get over it then I wouldn’t be there in the first place.
No, but I have another appointment thursday, which if I’m still here by, I’ve definatly got a few cents to share.
I don’t either. My counsellor could quite easily just write notes and let them assess from that but hey, I don’t know. She’s walked in on a few of my sessions now but after today it stops. Always buts in and asks me questions that I don’t know the answer to, then when I say that I don’t know she’ll keep asking the same thing.
What she ask in you?
Anything she asks me. I have so much going on in my head all the time that I can’t process normal questions most of the time, so I just answer with I don’t know, cause its too much to think about. Yet, she’ll ask and ask and ask, and never get an answer because theres just not the room in my head for that question.