Just can’t do it..

This is the first post i’ve made to the internet since all this has happened, but here goes:

My girlfriend of 14 months left me in december and it was pretty sudden. We’d been having a few problems, nothing major, but we’d worked everything out. She was lying to me alot, going out to parties and telling me I couldn’t go with her and the reason was so she could see her friends as when i was there she felt stuck with me. She was talking/flirting with this boy alot online, I’d seen it and asked her but she  insisted they were just friends. She promised me we’d always be okay, and that she’d love me forever, even up til the day before she ended it. She told me she couldn’t tell me the full reason why, but that I was controlling and possessive. She kissed me still after breaking up with me, promised she’d always be there for me and she hoped we could be friends. It got too much for me at the time, I blacked out and when I woke up she’d called my dad and asked me to leave.

I sunk into depression. I couldn’t eat, sleep or go out. I’m still like it now. I didn’t go to college for 2 weeks, and I saw a GP. They put me on some anti-depressant drug which after 3 months they finally decided it wasn’t working (i felt exactly the same) and took me off it. I’ve been to counselling, I’ve had friends try, nothing helps me. I saw her once, when I tried to go to college. I was having an anxiety attack and asked her to help me. She shouted at me for talking to her and told me not to. So, that was the last time I saw her. Last time I went to college too. I’ve dropped out now, couldn’t concentrate on work and they couldn’t hold my place open. I want to go and see her everyday but I don’t because I love her, and don’t want to upset her. Things got worse after she broke up with me, my parents got angry and frustrated that I wasn’t changing, my mum’s hit me and my dads told me to fuck off and move out. Which I said I would and tried to climb out the window with all my things, but they came outside and dragged me back in. My band which I was in, I couldn’t face them and I couldn’t make myself feel motivated for gigs and practise, so I didn’t go. They kicked me out too, and then the band fell apart slowly as disagreements happened over the decision. Then more recently, I found out my nan’s pretty ill too. She already has dimentia and barely knows who I am, and in the past it was my girlfriend who helped me when it upset me. But she has a bad chest infection now.

Anyway, along the way of all this happening.. of course I’ve thought of suicide. I feel like I’m in a prison. The whole time I was with my girlfriend I never felt good enough for her. I had a lack of self confidence and my skin was in pretty poor conditions at times, so this didn’t help either. My skin got better though, but my confidence didn’t. So, when she left me she sounded like she blamed me, and the fact that she shouted at me for talking to her just made me feel like I was such a shitty boyfriend she wouldn’t even want me as a friend anymore, or let alone to help me when I’m really in need. So it was my fault, I caused her to end it and it’s my fault all of this has happened, and I caused her unhappiness and pain. I let her down, she gave me a chance to be the one to make her happy and I failed. So I’m in a prison, I’ve sentanced myself because I let her down, only, I don’t know how long this sentance will last for.

But my thoughts of suicide, I’ve tried – 4 times. My first real attempt was tying a rope around my neck, not in a noose, just tightly tying it round, hoping it’ll choke me. For some reason, I pulled it off. It felt like I had something left to do? I don’t know. Of course the guilt doesn’t help either, I wish people would just all stop caring about me so I could just do it. My second attempt was close. I was cutting my wrist upstairs in the spare bedroom when the house was empty. I got in pretty deep, but then my dad came home and I had to hide everything. Now the scar left there just reminds me of what a failure I am. Can’t keep a girlfriend, can’t even kill myself successfuly. My third try was again the rope. I did it while looking in the mirror. I didn’t even recognise myself anymore, I just saw the person there and wanted to choke them with all I had in me, but once again I couldn’t do it.  It felt like I had something left to do, just.. any preparations. So i started them. I recorded a message to my girlfriend explaining how much I loved her and how much this wasn’t her fault it was mine, and how I didn’t want her to feel guilty at all. A couple of friends came round, one of them knew her, so I asked him if he could make sure she didn’t feel guilty. I prepared a bag for my girlfriend, included my familys Saint Christopher necklace thats been here for generations. I’ve always believed that it keeps you safe on your travels, and I want her to be safe wherever she goes in life. I left messages for my parents, and even a will saying where I want a few things to go to. But still, I tried the fourth time, again with the rope, and I couldn’t do it. It was annoying me so much, I felt angry at myself – I wanted to die so much but I couldn’t even do it. I wish I knew why, since I don’t really want to be here anymore.

Has anyone else ever had this? You want to die so much because you can’t live without someone, but, you just can’t do it? Even in your lowest moments you care about everyone else when you wish you didn’t?

Anyway, yesterday I got some of the worst news ever. She got with another guy a week after splitting with me. Everyone expected me to be angry, and everyones talking about her badly, my friend called her a ***** and my mums saying how its all her fault and shes horrible but I don’t think this way. Shes the love of my life, she made me so happy and it’s still my fault, I treated her badly and caused her to break up with me and she had to find someone else, someone better – who’d do right by her and not mess up like I did. It’s my fault, she didn’t want to become someone who just goes for someone else on the rebound, she was forced to by me.

But since finding this out, my suicidal thoughts have been worse. I’ve stopped eating altogether now, since I can’t do it myself I’m hoping that maybe, just maybe the lack of food will do it for me. Every inch of me wishes I could call her, go and see her but,  I love her, and it’ll upset her if I do. I don’t care what anyone say’s about her, she’s still the love of my life and she deserves to be happy. Even if I’m not the one that’s giving her that happiness.

But I do feel alot of stress and frustration that I just can’t deliver the final blow. Today, I held a knife to my throat, but I lacked the energy to push it. I can cut and burn and punch myself as much as anything but I just can’t end it, even when I really, really want to.

I wish that I could swap places with someone who’s got a fatal disease, and exchange the life I don’t want, so they can live and I can take the fall for them.

But my thoughts are pretty clear, I see myself doing all sorts of different things. I picture myself laying dead on the ground with a knife in my chest, or flat from a high jump. I imagine the situations before death, people shouting at me not to do it and me just saying how I can’t do it anymore. I see peoples faces as I do it, the hurt in their eyes which makes me feel worse because I’m the one causing it. I just wish I didn’t feel that guilt, even when I don’t want this life I just feel guilty.

I guess, in a way I feel scared too. Not of death but whatevers after, what if I’m trapped in my own head for the rest of enternity? Death is the only way I can see to stop this pain, but what if it doesn’t stop? That scares me.

Theres a lot of debates about whether suicide is selfish or not and to me, it’s not. I didn’t choose for this life, or to be like this, is it so wrong to hate your life so much that you don’t want it anymore? Isn’t it more selfish to force someone to live a life they don’t want, just because you want them to? Isn’t it their choice?

I just thought I’d post this here, since reading a few stories has helped me sleep at night before.