SomeMalaise

Today is one of my down days. A down day is a day I give myself when I’m so tired and full of energy at the same time. I’m sad but can’t express. Happy but can’t express. It’s a day I force myself into the depths to force myself to release this sewer ride i’m trapped in.

THe love/sex music blasting in my ear because it saddens me, the steely gaze as I type on this screen. The pencil and paper I have to draw. Regardless of this down time my thoughts are always the same at the end of the day. Express myself to […]

My eyes are shot of and feel as if they are changing dialtions. I just feel so disgusted. I’m so tired. But so upset at what discovered. Just like I was punished I’ll punish myself. That’s all I can do. I don’t cut. I so wish I did. I didn do it for reasons and now I wish i just could. Now all i have is music.
Love songs, sex drugs. The very thing I dislike in a way. It’s now the weapon of punishment. Fitting. It’s driving me insane.

I can name many ways I failed in life. […]

I’m going back over my old journal to see if I have grown and changed.

No.

In fact I realized I’m a horrible digrace of a human being. I only now real in a different way that I’m the judgemental coward. I am the two faced ***** the bullies talked about to my face. I didn’t see it then. Now I realize it’s true. Who the flying fuck am I to judge anyone one? I’m a nearsighted burned one hand fuck up with a bad hip flat feet and a cold heart. I see the truth for what it is. My journals have […]

I’m feeling poetic yet my words aren’t flowing
I’m saddened and now filled with guilt
And I feel even more lonely
I saw the news and filled with sadness
Now I’ll choose to suffer
Rape me blind, or murder my body
The polish away my remains with a buffer
I had rather have taken my own life
Since I’ve endured the death of others
They do the usual and they’d do the same if I’d end it all
They wail and cry and regret with each other
Now my eyes are opened and I’m even more depressed than before
I’ll have no choice buy to […]