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Anxious but Tired

by SomeMalaise

Did some chores earlier and I’m drained. Windex, Pine Sol, Soap and Pledge all help make cleaning possible. Also make the lungs burn with a mask on to boot. I’m feeling tired and a tad weak. The kind of tired that you’re unable to sleep. Add onto that some anxiety. This brain takes a lot to quiet it down and the solution is to overwork till I can no longer hold a lot of weight. Till my heart pounds like I’ve done a dash. Till my hips feel like water. Thankfully I didn’t do that kind of work. The kind that aggravates the hips. But everything else goes.

My body is anxious about the usual things. It really never leaves my mind. Funny enough I keep editing my typing. I realize I say “you” instead of “I”. Not sure why that is. I guess the flashbacks would know that answer. Or maybe they don’t. Hmm.

Other than pure exhaustion I’m pretty just below. I’m not happy and I’m not 100% depressed. It’s weird. It’s just general sadness. Why? I do not know. I really don’t. Maybe the answer to that is why I might be anxious. Glasses adjusting, eyebrow brushing, picking at the calluse at the base of my middle finger ring tugging that sort of thing. I’m mostly aware of what I’m doing.

“Take a walk and walk a dog” That phrase just popped into my head. It makes me smile. I don’t own a dog and there’s no where to walk around here. Let alone that I’d be able to just get up and walk out the house like that.

“Why does he leave when he wants to?” -me

“Because he’s a boy and you’re a girl” – mom

“Boy or Girl either is vulnerable” – me

(Silence) – mom

And she asked me where I want to go. Sadly when I was younger I had places I wanted to walk to. Now? No. There’s nothing here. Plenty of places to drink and party if you’re into that sort of thing. Arts and crafts, malls, movies, amusement you’d need to take a 30 or so minute drive to get to it.
Nope nothing but liquor stores, chicken shacks, party halls and gas stations. Maybe a Family dollar and a Hair, nail, and barber shop. Roll it all together. I’m definitely not into all that.

Plans are being made though. In the past I mentioned wanting to go out with a band in a few years. Apart of this plan is being raw and exposed. I’ve been hurt all my life hiding and struggling against the odds. Now I’m welcoming the odds to attack at will as I try and do all I can before time. One of the plans I’m trying to make work is to rent a vehicle to drive around in for the weekend. I’ll take my two pals. We’ll explore and burn up gas and roll on the miles. I’m taking the camera to take pictures on the way and of the time. I won’t be photographed myself though. I don’t like photographs of myself. I endure my image in the mirror each day why take a frozen in time memory?

If all goes well I’ll do it again only by myself. But that might not be such a smart Idea. Driving induces a sleepiness over me. So I’d need to stay alert. Pals if they can, if not I need to make the trip shorter. I want to drive out far for the weekend. Next year maybe. To a bridge and just look down at the water or something like that. To take more photos. This camera I got is my eyes now. What it sees is what I see. Black and White. I have that custom setting ready, but I find myself unable to have the camera look ok at the angle I’m in. It gets heavy.

I finally did get to the pain management place and I start therapy for my hips soon. They seemed ever so slightly surprised by what they saw , but believe they may have a plan. I felt human for once amongst their presence. But the one is a tad worried about my heart condition. I’m nervous to see what my cardiologist appointment will uncover. I definitely won’t take a “There’s nothing wrong” answer. Especially if I’m feeling off. All the stress over my lifetime (i do feel old though I’m not) has reared it’s not so small head. But these are things I know how to fix. I ask for help. It does help in a way that I can be endearing. When before that quality was the greatest curse. And in certain respects it still is. I still have to work on that.

For now I need to leave. I’ll be hanging around here and there put I’m going to finish up a few loose ends.

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