So… I woke up and intended to kill myself today. I decided to give it one last shot with my MD who abandoned me. I sent her a text asking if there was a bed available at her hospital. That I was serious and was very genuinely asking for her help. Nothing provocative. Well, I had text her a bunch over the past few weeks asking when we can meet soon. Nothing provocative. But she wasn’t responding which was unusual so it created more distressed for me. Note: For those of you who haven’t read my posts, I have been through tons of treatment (ECT, […]
As some of you know, I tried most, if not all treatments out there… My psychiatrist abandoned me 6 months ago. We had a close relationship so it crushed me. She energized me and inspired me to do things I never had the courage to do myself. She got sick (but us better now) so she couldn’t manage me being suicidal. Even though she said we could reevaluate after 6 months, she won’t respond to my texts, emails or calls. She is really the only hope I had to get better and stay better. I left her a voicemail this morning saying that I will […]
Watching football this weekend and joking with SP posters about it was a nice distraction to the tormenting in my head. I still can’t think beyond Monday but I did take my meds tonight… I even contacted a few doctors. I don’t fucking know. I stop myself every time I think about the future. I don’t have the energy to fix my life after 3 years of hell… deferring grad school twice. There is no way my brain can recover in time to restart grad school in January.
Thanks guys… I didn’t feel so alone today.
I like a lot of things about this site but the one thing I like is that there is a lot of compassion and understanding but also honesty. I think that if you post your thoughts, expect to get real thoughts in return. If you can’t accept honest feedback… and maybe I’m just totally losing it now since I will die next week but I find it funny that someone deletes another person’s comment to their post but then comments on the deleted comment.
There are so many things I want to say to the do-gooders who come here…. All I will say is this… People will be heartbroken if I die? So, I should continue to live my life so others aren’t hurt. Are you kidding me? That’s partly why I am here now… If you have no clue about thus type of suffering, please don’t say anything. Sorry. I’ve just had it.
(Didn’t want to highjack that other post again)… Have you ever been so tired and exhausted that you are too tired and exhausted to even sleep? I thought about treatment options today. I really don’t have any. I’ve done it all. I can’t bear to go back into DBT. ECT fried my brain last time and I am still suffering the memory consequences. I really don’t have any treatment options anymore. I’m out of options.
For some reason, Nietzsche’s words came to me today. “Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.” Does this resonate with anyone else?
I’m done. I’ve really tried hard over the past three years to save myself but I just can’t do it. My psychiatrist abandoned me (yes, she did). Long story. I just can’t take it anymore. She was the last person in my life who believed in me. Clearly, she doesn’t believe in me anymore. I’m done with this life. I don’t have the strength to fight this anymore. I have a busy week so I need all my energy to go into my death… preparing instructions for my mom to care for my cats, writing goodbye and f*** you letters to people, cleaning my house so […]
My mood took a turn for the worse this morning. Maybe the reality that I can’t figure out how to end my pain without dying. I don’t know. But then I read posts from people who think they have all the answers to depression and mental illness… Well, it is a beautiful day here in San Francisco. My cats are adorable. I will try to smile and forget my pain for as long as I can.
No idea how I just survived nearly three days incredibly suicidal. I am exhausted. Ready to sleep for a few days. How the fuck did I make it yet again. I cried so much my eyes hurt. I am really only here because my cats. They are my furry angels. One is 13 with cancer. She is doing really well. I am mostly her for her because I don’t trust anyone to take care of her or my other little angels.
Just saw a preview for the movie, If I Stay. Seems that a girl gets into an accident and she is left to decide whether to live or die. Then, she probably gets a glimpse of the life she would lead if she chooses to stay.
I wish I could see how my life would turn out if I stayed. I already made the decision to die but I am still here. Some days I am planning for my death and others I act as if I am going to live to 90. It is actually quite exhausting to live in two extremes.
It is crazy because […]
I feel badly because when I heard about Robin Williams’ death, I didn’t feel sad. I felt jealous, I felt angry that I have come so close but not had the courage to end my suffering. I felt happy for Robin. He is finally free. But I couldn’t really tell anyone those feelings
I am incredibly suicidal and am ready to end my life with an impulsive moment…. but I find myself commenting on other people’s posts about not giving up and to keep fighting. Am I a hypocrite? Perhaps I am so conditioned to think that my life is not worth anything but other’s lives are worth the effort.
I have been praying that I will die today… is that so much to ask?
I am so exhausted from this long fight. I wish I had the courage to carry through with my plans.
Lost all motivation. Don’t care about my life. Only care about my cats. Battling mental illness for three years. Invested a lot of time and money. Ruined my successful career. Keep deferring start of graduate school at one of the top universities in the world because I can’t find meaning or purpose to it. Totally black-balled in my line of work. For my last job interview, a former colleague was asked to inquire with me as to my “mental state” right now. If one more person tells me that I have so much going for myself, I will just lose it. My entire family (except for […]