I’m done. I’ve really tried hard over the past three years to save myself but I just can’t do it. My psychiatrist abandoned me (yes, she did). Long story. I just can’t take it anymore. She was the last person in my life who believed in me. Clearly, she doesn’t believe in me anymore. I’m done with this life. I don’t have the strength to fight this anymore. I have a busy week so I need all my energy to go into my death… preparing instructions for my mom to care for my cats, writing goodbye and f*** you letters to people, cleaning my house so everyone won’t know how much of a slob I’ve become, visiting a priest for last rights/confession… Best of luck to all of you on SP. I hope you meet a better fate. Unless I screw up and end up in the hospital, goodbye. Colleen
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Colleen, you don’t have to do it. It doesn’t have to end like this. There must be support elsewhere. Maybe here….
Thinking of you,
bluefeathers
Thanks, bluefeathers. I have had so much support over the past three years. She was just the last person to give up or lose patience with me. I am ready for peace. It feels like my time is near.
Still lost…I understand. My therapist was cold to me last week and I’m mad at her and not sure i want to see her again. I can imagine how hurt you must feel that the last person that supported you turned her back on you. I’m here if you want to talk.
She was my psychiatrist and therapist. Nice to have someone who did both. We became too enmeshed (nurses and therapists have said to me). My DBT psychologist also said that she didn’t understand why we just aren’t friends. She got breast cancer last December. Caught it early. I was suicidal so it was too much for her. It was hard seeing her not at all like herself. She really was the last person who believed in me. Back in March, she said we could reevaluate the situation in 6 months (which is now) but she won’t respond to me at all. Everyone else in my life has given up on me. I never thought she would too. She knew I was suicidal and have abandonment issues but she did it nonetheless. She always inspired me and told me that there were things I inspired her to do as well. Even if I felt horrible, it was really great to have someone who I thought would never give up on me. For her to give up on me makes me feel totally hopeless. I don’t know how I will even make it to Monday.
Still lost…your psychiatrist gave up because she’s no good at her job. First of all, why do we expect people that have NEVER personally dealt with how we are feeling to be able to make things better for us? They’ve read lots of books about how the brain works and how people should feel and all of a sudden they are Dr feel good that either wants to dope you all up (which some people need) or lock them up because they are feeling what they are being told to. Don’t count on those people to talk to or to be there for you. Let us be your support. Talk to us. A week ago I wanted to die…but I poured everything out on here…everything. people listened…they cared . At least give us a chance.
Thanks, overit20. I have tried so hard over the past three years. In fact, I tried so damn hard over the past several months to change things. I just don’t have the energy by myself to change things anymore. I’ve fallen too far. I quit grad school a few months ago… I just can’t find a path and if I do find my path, I can’t put more than a few weeks trying to execute my plan because I flat out run out of energy.
Still lost…you said you don’t have the energy by yourself….draw that energy from us. I don’t know how old you are or where you are from but I see so many people on this website go downhill because of college or career choices. The job you do is not who you are. I’m 36 and went to school/trade/college/technical for 4 totally different things and I currently do something that I didn’t go to school for but took a job doing it cuz I needed a job. Found out I was damn good at it and have been in the field for 12 years now. My life this last two years has been brick wall after brick wall and yes there are days I want to give in, insert hose into tailpipe and kiss this world goodbye…but then I get on here and somebody always makes me feel better.
I’m 38. I had an awesome and successful career in consulting traveling all over the world until my mental breakdown 3 years ago. My bosses were incredibly supportive thru my first two leaves of absences. Tgeyveven visited me in the psych hospital. They were amazing. But during my third leave, they lost patience, etc. Unfortunately, I worked at a bigvfurm with sonevofvthe most priminent people in my industry so…. I can’t get a job. I’ve been blackballed. My suspicions were cinfirnedvwhen a former friend and colleague called me to see where my head was because a person at a company who called me about a job was checking up on me…so many things happened so I know I can’t work in this industry. So I decided to go for an MBA. Applied two years ago while I was in/out if hospital. Got in to awesome school in UK ( I live in USA). I’ve now deferred twice. I tried to start back in January but my brain just wasn’t functioning. I couldn’t remember anything. My thoughts were confusing and I just couldn’t get thoughts on paper. This coming January is my last shot but I don’t have the energy to do it. I don’t know what to do anymore about my career. I cantvstay interested in something for more than a few weeks… I’ve really explored so many options. I’ve lost passion, ambition, desire… I’ve got nothing left. So I either die on Monday or live the rest of my life on disability and an utter disappointment to my family.
Still Lost, unfortunately, I know the abandonment issue all too well. I’m borderline and I have taken on a “I’ll leave them before they leave me” way of being. It’s not healthy, and I recognize that. I was working with DBT for about 9 months, and it seems to “worK” when you work on it, but I put my DBT binder on the floor about 6 months ago and haven’t picked it up since. I really should. Nonetheless, back to you. I don’t know all of the details, but maybe your psych. is directing all of her energy into healing her body from cancer and is afraid or concerned of being poisoned by negativity. Still, she is going through what she’s going through and she made a promise to you to be there for you and she broke that promise. It hurts. I understand she’s not responding to you now, but maybe if you give her some more time she will come around. Maybe she still believes in you and is inspired by you but for this moment, can’t have you in her life, for whatever reason. You’ll be able to make it through Monday, past Monday. Use your DBT skills – add a positive event to your day tomorrow. Make it your home work. In the meantime, I’m here if you want to talk. I’m so grateful I found this “community” of people who are in the same boat as me. It make the world a little less cold and a little less lonely.
Thinking of DBT makes me terribly angry. She wanted me to do it – so I spent a year in the classes and twice weekly DBT therapy. I am borderline too. That’s the problem… she worries about me too much. My DBT doctor has spoken to her multiple times and shed really things that my psychiatrist cares about me a lot more than she thinks she should… which is why we get into these situations. She wakes up in the middle of the night worrying about me. I guess a part of me wants to die so she can see how much suffering she caused me.
I understand, Still Lost, but I don’t think it’s worth killing yourself to prove a point to her. Maybe you can express in a letter (sent to her or not) how much suffering she has caused you. If she cares as much about you as you said, she may already know the pain her absence is causing. I think the therapist/ patient relationship is a tough one, especially for people like us, with a lack of concrete boundaries. It seems to me that she knows she crossed “the border” between therapist and patient and she’s pulled back to regain her balance. I’m confidant she will be a source of strength for you. Remind yourself of the contribution she’s made to your life, and the valuable coping skills you learned. She may feel more comfortable coming back into your life when you too are more centered. Let’s wait and see, but please don’t kill yourself to show her how much you’re suffering. You know that would “kill” her.
Bluefeathers you are totally right. I suck at boundaries and she sucked at holding her boundaries. She said she needs to be able to stick her boundaries before she can reengage. But it’s not my fault she can’t keep her boundaries. I did awesome in DBT keeping my doctors boundaries. We just have a super intense relationship. I truly don’t have any energy left to change my life. I already quit grad school. I have given up everything in my life that used to be important except for my cats. I would have been dead long ago if not for my cats.
Still lost….it’s the same for me but replace cats with birds. I just withdrew from getting a second degree because I wanted to see if people would stop me, if they’d care so much about me and my future and believing in me that they would talk me out of withdrawing. Guess what, no one did. So now I’m thinking about what to do next. Anyways, off to bed. GN.
Thanks for talking to me bluefeathers
I get the feeling of abandonment, betrayal, etc. I’ve been there countless times with countless people in my life. Forgive me if it sounds off the wall, but I glommed on your mention of the cats. Rather than regurgitate the whole damn story again, I’ll link to another comment I just made: http://suicideproject.org/2014/09/justifiable-suicide-2/
Your comments about cats resonated with me too. It was just really hard to respond when I first read it. I think it’s incredible that you were able to stay with them. I have four. One passed away almost 3 years ago from a rare viral infection. He was only 8. It crushed me. Then, another cat was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. She’s only 13 and her cancer is in remission now. My other two are 2 and 4. I adopted each one of them at very difficult a times in my life. I really wanted to stay alive thru their entire lives and I feel incredibly selfish because I dont think i can do it. It hurts so much to think about them with someone else because each one is so high maintenance in a different way. They are used to being with me (and having me at their beck and call nearly 24 hours a day. Its just become too hard to live this life
Hey, I have just joined this website so not quite sure how it works. But please don’t go.
We all love and care about you on here, we have all had our rough days and are still experiencing them, but I promise you from the bottom of my heart things will get better. Im 15 and have experienced so much that no one should ever have to go through but Im still here today luckily.
Your 38 (sorry if im wrong, read your age somewhere) and look how far youve been! We all have our ups and downs but in the end we are all here for a reason.
I’m sorry you are going through this, may I also add that I hope you postpone your suicide for now and continue to talk to us here on SP. My circumctances are different to you but I know how much being here helps me. I’ve looked back at your other posts and you do mention your adorable cats a lot and I can see how much you love and care for them and how they have kept you going; it’s such a shame you feel you can’t continue but please try, as I said we’re here for you as well.
Thanks @nias. For the first time in a long time, I woke up feeling peaceful this morning. Not sure if it’s because I got a lot off my chest or if it is because my suffering will end soon. I guess only time will tell. I do love my cats very much.
Probably a mixture of both, it’s certainly relaxing to feel that nothing matters anymore as death awaits but also knowing that people here are listening to your problems. It’s such a shame that your psychiatrist/therapist can no longer help you, I never made a connection with my psychiatrist and gave up but I know how important finding a good one is and how helpful it can be to talk to someone. My friend and his wife have a cat and when I stay with them I find it so relaxing when he curls up on my lap, purring; such lovely animals are cats.
Probably true. Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. I am just so whipped that I don’t know how to respond. I’m too exhausted.
That’s ok, relax somehow, perhaps write your thoughts in a notebook or something and post the most important parts here; how you’re feeling, the good points in your life, like the cats, the bad parts. Don’t expect to solve them all, it’s just trying to get them out, finding a balance; I’ve done this and it keeps my going. Please remain strong, I know it’s easy for me to say but we’re here to listen to you. Off to work now, in UK but work nights, I suffer paranoia and anxiety so no fun for me. Hope to hear from you soon.
Still Lost, are you one of the posters I’ve seen referring to DBT? I just saw someone today who specializes in that and she’s getting a new group set up at the office she just moved to full time. I did schedule another appointment, but I’m torn. I’d have to commit to a year, and if it didn’t work for you… am I wasting my time? But it seems to work for some people.
How are you doing today? I’m selfishly hoping you’ll change your mind and stick around a bit…
@ lost. yeah, I’ve done DBT… the full year… weekly classes plus twice weekly DBT therapy. DBT helped me while I was in it. It is a lot of work. I guess it’s just like anything – you get what you put into it. When I left DBT, I thought it changed my life. I finished DBT last December. I still use some DBT skills but mostly I’m too tired to use the skills plus when I am suicidal and severely depressed my brain doesn’t function well enough to engage the skills.
I actually started the DBT course at three different places. At the first place, the DBT therapist was just not good. Very aggressive. So I quit during the first module. At the second place (which I started two different times), it was much better but I ran into too many people I had been inpatient with… I need anonymity. Then, at the third place, it was so much better. The DBT therapists had a very good way of going over our homework and providing feedback without making it a process group… DBT isn’t a process group. It’s a tricky line. Looking back t the second group, I realized I hated going to the group/class because I wasn’t getting anything out of it. I could have done homework on my own and read the manual… we went over our homework but got no feedback. I didn’t want to go over everything again with my DBT therapist. As I said, the third group did such a great job of providing feedback on the homework which took a lot of time to do without making it a process group… I hope this helps.
Still Lost, I apologize – all I needed to do was scroll up to see that it was you and bluefeathers talking about DBT.
Hope both of you are finding ways to get through the day.
The other thing is that DBT is a bit cultish… the leaders of the third DBT group I was in – which I finished the full year – acknowledged it. I liked that they acknowledged it. For me, it was all about finding DBT therapists that I liked. I’ve definitely met some very strange DBT therapists. The ones I liked were actually trained psychologists or psychoanalysts who later become trained in DBT.
I do far better with structure and being held accountable. DBT definitely holds you accountable if you are late or don’t do the homework, if you have good therapists. the structure was good for me too.
The only advice I would give is to find a DBT center that is a good fit for you…. I live in San Francisco Bay Area so there are at least 4 DBT centers that I am aware of… and I tried three of them
Thanks so much for your input, Lost! I live in a small-ish town and I dread running into people I know at the therapist’s office, though I know I shouldn’t.
This might sound terrible, and I hope it’s not taken the wrong way, but I sort of envy the relationship you had with your therapist. I’ve always had trouble forming close connections, and the few times when I did (I thought), they never seemed to last.
I realize that firm boundaries are necessary for a productive and healthy therapeutic relationship, though, and for *any* relationship. And I guess your experience reflects the reality of such situations – it would probably cause more emotional turmoil instead of easing it.
the funny part is that I had great boundaries with my DBT therapist but not my MD. I think because my MD couldn’t keep the boundaries and I couldn’t either so it just snowballed. I never had a relationship like that with an MD before… it was great because she gave me so much energy when I couldn’t muster it myself and she really inspired me and challenged me. But then she also worried about me a lot so I was inpatient a lot – and forcing me inpatient was easy since her primary job was an MD at a psych unit… but now i’m crushed because she won’t speak to me at all…
By the way, I ‘m probably spoiled living in the Bay Area… but two of the DBT centers I went to were 30-50 miles from where I lived. My MD was 50 miles from where I lived. I didn’t mind the driving because I would schedule things at off-commute hours… it helped to keep anonymity. maybe there are DBT centers outside of your town but close enough to get to
Still lost, how are you feeling today, before you said you felt more peaceful, is this still the case and also, if you felt you weren’t going to end it on Monday how would you feel then?
You have said yourself your minds messed up at present, you’ve order pills online so you have been thinking of the future to some degree, I’d wish you’d wait for them. Sorry to keep coming back to you on this I just keep thinking about you and your problems please ignore if you want.
Thanks for checking in @ nias. I don’t know how I feel, honestly. My brain is mush. I think I ordered the Seroquel before I chose Monday… but I don’t remember. The withdrawals are so horrible that I just didn’t want to go through them again.
I understand; I think, but do correct me, the loss of your therapist was the last straw for you, is there any emergency number you can call to get to see someone quick or am I just not knowing how things work. I just want the best for you and Monday is so close I wish you could wait a little, to get help as it was working once, but it seems so hard for you now.
I dont know how iM gonna make it to Monday either. Whats the poitn if I even do Im 24 years old.
Me neither. It’s unbearable. Utterly unbearable.
Agreed. I feel the same way. It’s absolutely unbearable. How can this possibly continue to go on? How can I continue to exist with this pain? You’re all probably thinking the same thing. Ugh… :'(
My therapist dumped me too (as I explained in another thread). But you might find another one who believes in you? I know it is hard, but maybe she was not good enough for you, and a better therapist is waiting for you somewhere. I wish I could say the same for myself, but I have been dumped by therapists all my life. I am obviously hopeless, but you are not, and I believe in you.
She’s the only one who dumped me (mostly because she was going through cancer treatment and couldn’t handle me and other clients – she dumped most of her private patients). Probably because she’s the only one who helped so I stuck with her for so long. She’s usually pretty arrogant/confident in that she believed she could help me. I’ve seen a lot of doctors over the years but they are usually useless so I stop seeing them. My DBT doctor would still see me but she doesn’t do meds and it’s not the same.
Still lost, I emailed you back. I hope that anything that I wrote in that email can either help you, comfort you or at least show you that someone understands what you’re going through. Please read my email if you haven’t already. I don’t believe that it is your time.
Nias I’m so sorry to read that you’re dealing with both anxiety and paranoia. I deal with axiety that is sometimes paralizing. Even when I take medications, the racing heart will slow down a bit, but the anxiety is still pretty through the roof. Quite awful. I also have the paranoia. Just one of the worst feelings ever. Mine was brought on by PTSD I think, but whatever the cause, living with paranoia is terrible and something that I don’t share with too many people. I just struggle in silence with it. Only my close friends know that I deal with that. My heart goes out to you to have to deal with those issues while being at work! You are one strong person!
Hey cagedtiger… I responded to your email a bit ago.
I’ve been through plenty of therapists so I understand how you’re feeling. Sometimes it takes a while to find one that you connect and click with. When it comes down to it, a therapist is someone with a personality, morals, and a certain communication style. Sometimes those things will match. Sometimes not. In any event, I hope that you find the peace you’re looking for.
Thank for your kind words, distant.road
@Still Lost, hope you still look at this post. I was so saddened at the original post but you have been so positive recently and I hope you can keep this up. It’s all about getting the help you need and you seem, at present, being let down but things can be turned around if you can get the therapist and medication that helps you and you now seem to have plans for that. Keep coming here to SP on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and as long as you need to, we’re here to listen and to help each other with our problems. It’s what sets this site apart, we all have our difficulties, we all know what each of us are going through. I just wanted to let you know I’m still thinking of you, ni.
Hey @ nias. Thanks for checking back with me. I am still planning on next week. Though, the thought of saying goodbye to my cats is heart wrenching. When I am on my meds, I still can get suicidal, depressed, sad, etc. Meds do seem to keep me from crossing the final line. My MD is still ignoring me. Meds help narrow the emotional swings I experience but I still feel badly… meds don’t give me energy or inspiration. I had such high expectations from myself… I can’t live this mediocre life. My cognitive ability is not good so this may not make sense.
It makes a lot of sense, when I left school I became a graphic artist and had high hopes but mental illness robbed me of that. I now work nights on minimum wage which barely keeps me going, I rent a room with shared bathroom and haven’t been in a relationship for years and so feel alone. Migraines plague me. I feel what’s the point but I can’t bring myself to commit suicide and heaven knows I wish I could but I keep going with little hope but hope nevertheless.
I was going to put this on you new post but I’ll put it here:
I’m sorry you still feel the need to end it, I thought you were more positive. I can’t say you’ll get better because this type of illness can’t be easily fixed, it takes time with therapists and perhaps medication with no guarantees. I still think there is a future but I see how hard it is for you to see and only you can really know, all I ask is that you really think. I hope you can continue to post during next week, you help people here as well as looking for your own solutions.
I’m so sorry for what you are enduring @ nias. I hope you can rediscover your dream of becoming a graphic artist. Over the past two months I tried really hard (yet again) to change things for me – I really did a lot and things were looking good but I just ran out of energy to keep moving forward. I stopped my meds because I was hoping to become pregnant. I tried but didn’t get pregnant. Now I realize that I can’t be off my meds because I spiral down so quickly. So… even to have a baby, I can’t even keep my head straight. Another failure for the books. I really don’t have any dreams or goals anymore. I am only alive for my cats. My MD had a way of energizing me and inspiring me… and she abandoned me and is still ignoring me… I just can’t muster the energy alone.
Thanks but things have moved on, I used drawing boards now it’s all computers and I can’t take the pressures anymore, I’m looking for a daytime job in a small company, say four or five others. I promised myself I wouldn’t use your cats in this but they are important to you and you really care for them. It’s one of those things that one person can inspire more than any other and you found her but at a time of most need she’s not there. I can only tell you that I care but that won’t give you the energy you need but I can see it working out for you if only you can contact her or find someone similar but time is the enemy here. Can SP give you the ability to try and continue, at least giving you some time to try and re-establish a link with her or someone else. Please try if you can.
I sent her one last email. She will probably ignore it. Only a few people in my life have inspired me… all of them have given up on me. Most gave up a long time ago so there is no point contacting them. I’m sure my MD will ignore me… she doesn’t yet know it but she’s my last chance. For some reason, I just can’t do anything without hope.
Hope is all.
Just want to say that I wish you would delay the suicide for just a while, it’ll give you time to see if your therapist will respond, and give you time to think of the method. I feel that what you plan could cause you too much suffering and I can’t bear to think about it and there are other ways. Please email me if you feel it’ll keep you going, I’ll respond each day and I’m not working Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, my email address should be next to my post on the comments page. I’ll also be here tomorrow and will continue to check for you, please try to stay with us Still Lost