????

The visit went 5/6ths as predicted. What’s worse is that right at the start I felt that long dead feeling of enjoyment of seeing an old friend after a long time, and soon after was shocked at actually being asked what’s been going on with me, but instead of really listening or asking for details (I don’t give them up lightly) was basically just told “oh maybe you’re on the very shallow end of the autism spectrum”. Wow. Okay. Thanks for that useless and completely off the mark “advice”, if it could even be called that.

The next several hours were, as they have been in […]

And yet I lay in bed with the curtain mostly closed.

I tried to get to the farmers’ market but as usual the fixing fucking streetcar never came, despite supposedly being two minutes away. So I just quit and went to the shit big box grocer’s.

The stress of waiting for a streetcar that seems it may never come seems a fitting analogy. You can make make the effort, do the thing you don’t really want to do cause you know it’s probably best, but other bullshit can and often will just get in your way and prevent you from accomplishing what you set out to do.

Same […]

I know as I lost a best friend to suicide nearly six years ago while living abroad. He mostly didn’t respond to people reaching out and we didn’t know precisely where he physically was, but those more proximal to him say they could’ve been more forceful. I could have too maybe.

Now I tread dangerously close to the edge all the time, except I’ve attempted to partially opened up to people about it. Multiple different ones over a long period of time. Made dark statements, ask for a little engagement time to stave off the misery. And everyone just was super fucking hands off. Some of […]

About a month ago I spontaneously got into making and learning all about cocktails. I barely drink, mainly due to indifference and price, but mixology always interested me. I totally dove in, staying up late getting lost in learning about the tools, recipes, science, history, combinations…that lovely flow state of forgetting that you exist, and just becoming what you’re doing. What a feeling, I’d almost forgotten.

But man, booze is expensive here. One recipe led me to another, with just one or two ingredients I didn’t have. I finally stopped myself after dropping nearly 250$ on different things. Halfway in I started thinking about what a waste […]

I had the kernel of this thought a decade ago, way back when I was an optimistic undergrad, and funny enough I believe at its core there’s still something pretty on the ball about it. If anything, life experiences and the way things have moved in the/my world have reinforced the idea that there’s something to it.

We’re all born into a somewhat unique set of conditions. Some are very unique to our own life, some are shared with a larger group, like a family, neighbourhood, country, whatever. For any one of us, we grow up experiencing our life as it is, with nothing beyond that […]

Not a fraud, not a bastard, I just don’t know what the word is I’m really looking for. Read on to learn more!

After a long period of disconnection due to obversable negative detrimental effects, I’ve gotten back on a dating app (this one seems less shit) because I know one of the reasons I have no fucking resilience is that I lack several key things required for human happiness (as I’m sure many here do), one of which is physical and interpersonal intimacy. But something’s different from last time. In addition to the expectation that nothing will come of any of the few conversations I […]

At least for some of us. This thought occurred to me some time ago. I know all about abusive relationships, and after looking up some “signs” list from resources sites,, the parallels are quite pronounced, if you look at it a certain light…a great article on au.reachout.com puts it thus:

Things you might feel in an abusive relationship
‘My partner isn’t violent all the time – they love me’

Your violent partner may act lovingly towards you at other times and may truly feel sorry for their horrible behaviour. So it might be hard to stay angry and upset with them. However, there is quite a high chance […]

Is it only humans, or every thing that is?

In Buddhist thought, the nature of existence is suffering/unsatisfactoriness. So it is we always move toward the desirable, away from the undesirable, being born again and again in a variety of incarnations until we finally are able to transcend the wheel of misery through nirvana. That is literally the goal of the religion: gtfo’ing from reality. I still don’t know whether that is super morbid, or super on the nose. Catch, though, is you can’t just kill yourself, because you’ll just be reborn as some other thing. See, there’s the whole superstitious “karma” mumbo-jumbo that’s never really […]

So I was looking into other cultures’ and time periods’ perspectives of suicide (spoiler: not universally demonized) and in my readings learned through Schopenhauer that my undergrad fave David Hume wrote an essay refuting his society’s condemnation of the act – which was suppressed for quite some time, it would seem. I thought some salient points would be worth sharing here, though I really recommend the actual essay itself.

First, if you’re of the religious ilk, he argues that killing yourself is no more going against the divine will or whatever than doing literally anything else. “God” fashioned the entire universe, any and everything that happens […]