Author

millionth

Do I Want To Live?

by millionth 5/31/2018

written by millionth

I made a promise to stop harming myself. I’ve broken that but continually renew it for some reason. I made a promise to not kill myself. Obviously I’ve kept that thus far. Does this mean I want to live?

For a very long time now, I’ve decided I don’t want to “get better.” To me CBT is bull and medication is simply mind control. I know the truth – that this game of life is so utterly moronic and useless. To try and hide that is just wrong to me. I realize they help others, and there’s nothing bad about that, it’s just important to me, […]

5/31/2018 1 comment

Birthdays

by millionth 7/12/2017

written by millionth

It’s my birthday soon but I don’t want it. I don’t want the attention. I don’t want the happiness of everyone around me. I don’t want the confirmation that another year has passed and yet, I am still here. Not by choice or desire, but I am here. And it hurts.

I know everyone will resume their uncaring ways by the end of the day, but the fact that they can become so fakely obsessive with the celebration of life without seeing the painfully evident irony of how they act during the daily times of actual life is laughable. How do they not see? How am […]

7/12/2017 10 comments

Dreams Can Fuck You Up, Man

by millionth 7/10/2017

written by millionth

I had a dream last night that I came into possession of a gun, and could finally blow my head off. But I was too soft to pull the trigger, even in a damn dream. After 5 years of misery and multiple attempts, you’d think I’d jump at the chance for such an easier way out compared to some. I woke up and instantly wish I hadn’t. The amount of regret I have for a stupid dream is astounding, and I absolutely abhor my weak, weak self. Is it that survival instinct people talk about? Is it the unknown of after? Is it the people […]

7/10/2017 4 comments

If You Talk Enough Sense, You’ll Lose Your Mind

by millionth 3/10/2017

written by millionth

It doesn’t matter what I do.

I have been to three hospitals in an effort to save me from myself. I tried to explain my feelings of pointlessness to the doctors. All I got was medications shoved down my throat and a longer hospital stay.

I tried to explain myself to the EMT in the ambulance with me. All I got was a lecture of how selfish I am, and then he showed me pictures of his cats.

I tried to explain it all to the nurses. It was funny to one that I watch crime shows and Grey’s Anatomy and was suicidal, but if I didn’t watch […]

3/10/2017 17 comments

Just Me?

by millionth 11/25/2016

written by millionth

A friend once told me that even when you think you’re alone, you’re not because there’s just such a vast number of people on Earth there’s bound to be someone experiencing the same thing as you. Perhaps not everything, but different people around the world experience different things you do as well. Thus, I know the following probably doesn’t happen to just me, but sometimes it seems that way, especially after reading all the stories on here.

It seems everyone wants to die because of a problem in their life. Debt, marriage, parents, school, friends, you name it. And I understand that, I’m not here to […]

11/25/2016 5 comments