Do I Want To Live?

I made a promise to stop harming myself. I’ve broken that but continually renew it for some reason. I made a promise to not kill myself. Obviously I’ve kept that thus far. Does this mean I want to live?

For a very long time now, I’ve decided I don’t want to “get better.” To me CBT is bull and medication is simply mind control. I know the truth – that this game of life is so utterly moronic and useless. To try and hide that is just wrong to me. I realize they help others, and there’s nothing bad about that, it’s just important to me, for me. Yet here I am, trying to find new coping skills to keep my promises, even though my motto is that you should do what you want because this existence is already painful enough without forcing yourself into deeper misery. Every prior coping skill has failed me, probably because they are all simply distractions rather than actually doing anything. Although nothing can truly be done.

I’m fighting a futile fight, I know it, so why do I fight it? Do I actually subconsciously want to live, even through all my empty words? Or am I simply trying to delay the decision because of the uncertainty of the unknown? Or is it the fear from all my past failed attempts or that I will hurt the one person who says they care?

I am unsure. I am unsure of what to do or what to think or how long I will persist. Here’s the eternal truth: feeling happy is only temporary and the want of death is permanent.