“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.â€
It’s been a while since I’ve wrote anything, let alone posted anything… I think December was the last time I posted? I’m too lazy to check (even though it is a few clicks). I’ve been a diagnosed depression patient for almost 5 years now, dunno how long I’ve actually been depressed for though, seems like it’s been for a good chunk of my life though
There was a certain moment in my life when I reallyy really wanted to kill myself. And then there was those other moments when I was really close to that… though even in my most jaded of times, I still had some sliver […]
I haven’t written since I came back from Paris, I’ve been busy which has done me some good I guess. I haven’t had much time to sit and allow myself to think until now, it’s been nice in a way being surrounded by friends and not being able to think.. I guess I need multiple people around me all the time so I don’t think and they can help me when I do think. I ended up seeing Mara after 3 months of me going away to Paris and she going off to college.. we had about 30-40 minutes together. When I first saw her […]
It’s the loneliest feeling in the world – to find yourself just sitting there and not knowing anything or who you are anymore. To have everybody ask how you are, and not really know what to say. Walking down an empty street, listening to the sound of your own footsteps. Shutters closed, blinds drawn, everything closed. And you aren’t sure whether you’re walking toward something, or if you’re just walking away. I hate what I’ve become to escape what I couldn’t handle being.. and I don’t know whether I was actually getting better, or I was just getting used to the pain.
I realized long ago […]
Why do we suffer? I feel like somehow all this is making me grow. I find it very hard to believe that we suffer this much and nothing comes out of it, maybe that’s why I’m searching for hope all the time and waiting. To suffer like this, there’s bound to be something that’ll be worth it all. I don’t know if it’s worth it, but I can say from what I’ve heard and managed to feel before, maybe it is worth it; to function, to be happy, to be alive. We can “treat†all these mental disorders sometimes, such as depression, anxiety, OCD, or […]
It’s not fair, I was actually beginning to feel something and now it’s gone. I was really trying, and then it just began to crumble down just like everything else in my life. I don’t know how anyone is supposed to live with this and “move on” and keep on trudging through life.. What’s the point in that if I’ve felt bad for majority of my life. I’m holding on to my last few threads of hope and I’m holding really tight.. It’s my last stand.. but that’s the thing I always have a last stand.. Whenever I see the smallest glimpse of hope, I […]
I’ve always asked myself, why I go on? I mean really, I always think about it and talk about and it would put an end to everything, right? I feel awful every waking moment and I have no motivation to do anything..
Who knows, maybe someday something will change, I don’t know where the “strength†or whatever it is comes from. It isn’t me, I’m not saying it’s God.. because frankly, I don’t believe.. maybe it’s that “happy me†that once was there..
But I guess I’m really just curious about the future; I really want to know how things will play out. It seems a bit silly to base my […]
I know I want to do it.. but I’m so meticulous that I want it to be just right. I’m ready and all, but it has to be something.. I hate to say special.. but I guess it is. I’ve snapped millions of times and just said “fuck it†and taken bottles of pills or tried drowning myself (obviously didn’t work..), but that’s too.. foolish and hasty.
Lately I’ve been trying to really plan it out; a place and time. I have a pretty good idea of the how.. I don’t think I can actually share it all.. but it involves CO2 (or helium), pills and […]
Seems as though I’m getting back into the writing habit… in a way it feels as though I’m living through my writing. When I write despite how horrible I feel, the chaos and turmoil within me doesn’t seem so chaotic anymore. I can almost breathe a little and think. Lately though, “it†has been getting worse.. I only ever write when I’m.. empty, but not that usual empty.. this is different it’s as if I literally don’t exist, I’m just an ambiguous thing that only feels pain.
I haven’t been going out much.. or hanging out with friends, I don’t really have any urges to see anyone.. I […]