The Absurdist

I am mediocre, useless and worthless. Therefore I will always be alone.

I tried to escape, but there is no hiding from your own being. Only in death can you lose yourself.

Soon the burden will be too much to bear. Soon I will disappear and fade away. Before the first day of spring.

Well, those of you have been following (…yeah right) know my wish was to try and force myself to plan before November 15th, disappear into an endless expanse some time later and be completely gone before December kicked in.

Circumstances have…forced my hand otherwise for now. I will go live in Paris with a friend for the moment. Paris, my personal hell. Grey city of grey people, dead-eyed bureaucrats and thieves scuttling about like diseased worms under the vacuous light of their multi-storied totems of greed and grime. There is no outdoors there just the cage. Ugh I know suck as a writer but just thinking […]

There eventually comes a time when you can see with absolute clarity that you’ll never have the life you wanted.

How can anyone have the heart to ask you to keep on living with that knowledge.

Just admitted to my best friend how dire my situation is. Not the suicide eventuality, just that my ending up homeless is a real short-term possibility. Oh well, thankfully my family never interacts directly with him so the possiblity of an information leak is minimal. Still, this could backfire.

Been having hysterical laughing fits all day. I’m not on drugs, I’m eating no worse or much less than usual and I’m sure as hell not happy. It sounds unhinged as hell to my ears. Wheeeeee

Damn I really really need to get out of here.

Whatever happens I have to get out of this hellhole city. It is hard to research places though. I’m not really well-traveled and trying to look on the internet or even travel agencies is extremely time-inefficient considering I don’t want to play tourist and my general intent. I wonder how it would go though, going to a travel agency asking for a nice well-priced dying travel plan. Would have to go suited up so I don’t get kicked out too fast. What bizarre gonzo gallows […]

Waking up after a sleepless night spilling your heart out feels strangely similar to a hangover. Fuzzy memory of things you couldn’t possibly have done, coupled with a vague feeling of mild shame, hazy bafflement and a skull-splitting headache. Cold apples help a little too.

Still, it was good to unload, not to be judged on one’s weaknesses. Mind cleared of the fog of depression, for now. Even now that I’m almost cheerful I can see clearly will come back and decisions are still to be made, death still an option as ever. But the clear mind should last for a couple of days at least […]

When I get to the barest very most essential of my turmoil it really comes down to a choice between death and change. Change beyond anything I or everyone close to me ever imagined me capable of. How is such a choice obvious or easy? Whatever I choose my life will soon be over.

Looks like I won’t be sleeping much tonight again.

Time’s still ticking and I haven’t still planned anything beyond the most vague of roughs. Lingering doubts still too strong. What an atavistic bore, really. Doesn’t mean I’m really much “better” though. My normal nights of sleep are of about 5 hours these days and still dropping. The ever bloodshot eyes does wonders for my already severe crazy person chic. It takes hours for me to get up in the mornings. Eating has become boring and unenticing and only the most sugary or spicy foods bring any pleasure now. Ugh.

Any of you ever been to Greenland or one of the Scandinavian countries? Any first-hand information […]

I really wonder why I just don’t have the drive to take everything, get the hell out of this shitty apartment and just go giving away everything to anyone I see needing it, no matter how little I have left. In a day or two I’d have nothing but the clothes on me. There never is any shortage of people worse off than one no matter what one’s state happens to be. In less than a month it would eventually kill me.

Short of preventing/provoking a nuclear attack this is the best of all possible deaths.

Could be grounds for a new mental disorder.

St Francis […]

I didn’t write this but it resonates strongly with me so I thought I’d share.

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What interests me most with people is that all the time there is a life going on in the innermost which can barely be acknowledged let alone talked about. It’s a secret dialogue usually whispered and hardly noticed. Another way I see it is like a newspaper, that in various phases lasting days or even weeks there is type of headline or a theme which could be an exploration of a new found belief or could be the re-emergence of a forgotten ideology or perhaps a new theory. It reveals itself […]