gods joke

I know i should be in the psych ward…

Psychotic episodes are going to kill me. Either directly because i keep hitting my head and now it just hurts off and on. dont touch my head, it will hurt. Or indirectly because i fucking hate it and its part of the driving force of my suicide.

I hit my head again yesterday morning. Thanksgiving day and i had a psychotic episode over something so stupid.

I finished the day off with a nice supper so thats a bonus i guess….

thinking about it i might not have a choice…

if im not going to commit suicide im thinking about trying […]

Either kill me or don’t but fucking pick one already. This building just to tear it down and rebuild again is fucking bullshit.

I could go into it but the general topic of hating myself is a lot.

What triggered this though is a pain in the ass.

“pay constant attention to me or else I’m going to think you hate me” it’s not my fault. I don’t exactly choose to feel hated and I’m fairly confident im not hated. But i still feel hated and disorders still and always have and always will suck.

I was looking into maid…… I should qualify….. The pull of “i don’t want this to be over but i can’t live like this either” fucking sucks……

My ptsd just wont fuck off this morning. And napping didnt help. While i dont recall any nightmares i didnt have a very comfortable nap either.

i dont understand. am i missing something? you cant not care. your words say you dont believe me though…….

“If you want to ruin your life and keep going down till you kill yourself. you would of gotten rid of me a long time ago”

so i told him he was right. i told him i should go. have i blocked him many times before in the past, yes. but he even recently pointed out that i was acting weird. “ill be waiting”….. dont get me wrong its nice but i basically said i have to go kill myself and your answer is “ill be waiting”? are […]

My first kiss – he bugged me until i gave in. I remember most (a very high percentage) of any relationship kissing’s been weird, uncomfortable(?).

My first relationship – he and his friend bugged me until i gave in. And then he didnt even pay attention to me. Hes a nice guy though.

Bugged, bugged, not ready, bugged…… Oh wow my life’s been shit and people suck apparently. I cant recall any or many firsts that wasnt like that. I dont think ive ever done something because im ready too, because i want to.

Can i be dead now so the memories stop??

Looking back, i wasnt not bullied….. […]

I dont want this. YOU want this. NOT ME! This entire time ive had my feet dug in saying no no no no no. Good, now you have what you want. They know im suicidal and “want” to “help”. Now leave me alone because i dont want them. Ive done just fine without them until now. I dont want them, i dont want my meds and i dont want help.

At this point i just want relief so leave me alone

Death is my safe place. Any “safe”, “supportive” place is the opposite. I’m too much for any “helpful” place. Being with my friends is of no help and just makes me feel worse. I feel trapped and powerless in my current relationship. Alone I’m left with my thoughts, and apparently i have a weird sleeping thing so a “good” night for me means nothing plus i have insomnia.

I have nothing, no where, with anyone. Not even in an unconscious state am i in a ‘safe place’.

Death is my safe place. I have too much pain in the living world yet you expect me to continue.

I […]

Let me clarify this for you. I AM suicidal not i WANT to commit suicide. At no point did i say i wasnt ok and suicide is just a thing. Chill the fuck out.

“this medication is kind of helping but not”
“can you manage it?”
“yes” (who the fuck is going to say no. ‘no i cant manage my suicidal thoughts’ seems fairly obvious)
“ok then just get your Rx from your family doc and if it gets worse call me back”
i see we settle with mediocre. they want us to feel like we’re cared for but when they send us packing in a “kind of helpful” state it really does just reinforce that they dont care. all that matters is that we arent dead and our loved ones arent crying. forget us.

anyway in accordance with my […]

Again I am taking my medication and again I am still struggling but am back to not talking. Externally I seem fine but internally my problems are all still present.
My psychiatrist asked if I could handle it, yeah I was going to say no and get sent to psych, PASS!
Idk, maybe I can use this to silently go away. I hate talking about my problems anyway.

Reconnecting with some friends and i just feel more alone…

I’m not sure my ex best friend and i will ever click like we use to.
Her bf/my ‘bf’s friend is my ex so i feel i have to […]

I told you. I warned you. I need time away, idk if ill be back….

I cant do this….

Sad but true.

Talking to people i can tell. They get this lost feeling about them. They have no idea what to do with me. How to handle me. I can tell they dont want me to die.

I feel like an injured animal one has to put down. You dont want to. It kills you to. Your chest hurts, eyes swelling with tears. But you know the animal is hurting. You try everything, anything to save this poor creature. After the life its had, this cant be how it ends…

reconnecting with some old friends. more battle worn then before so trying to walk on a damn tight rope. ill start to feel fine. ill start to get comfortable and then i get stabbed in the chest as anxiety brings me back to reality

“why did you say that!? youre stupid”

and the worst part:
do you listen to it because you dont want to push them away or tell it to fuck off.

and the even worst part….. you wont know the right answer until the anxiety gets so bad that you push them away, or you get so annoying they push you away.

mental disorders ruin everything

maybe they just couldnt handle it being a black mark in their brain? maybe it doesnt matter if everything is fixed. the pain, the memory, will still be there.

I know i don’t take my meds. I know i don’t go to therapy. And i don’t know why I’m bothering with still living….

i just want to die. i just want this to be over with

Its funny. People might say suicide is the easy way out but one has to question:

Have you really been through enough to qualify saying that? And even if you have are you this specific person going through what theyre going through, feeling the way they do? I think not, and you never will. You can NEVER really say whats “easy” if you dont really know, now can you?

And the funniest part? People will still try to fucking argue it, even when they have no idea.

I love it when people stutter over their anwer/repeat themselves/or just plain having nothing to say. You clearly have no idea […]

i dont understand, i want help and push him as far away as i can…..