thehusk

I’m so tired of wanting, yet having no motivation to pursue the things I want. Maybe it’s because the things I want are unrealistic.

I just want it to stop. I want me to stop. I don’t want these thoughts in my head anymore. I don’t want these feelings. I don’t want this awareness of reality.

I want peace. Maybe it’s time to start making plans.

I wish there was some consistency to my thinking. I’m so tired of trying to believe two contradictory things at once. How could I kill myself? How could I do that to my family, who’ve given so much for me? But then how could I not? How could I go on living with so much shame? How could I go on living with the knowledge of what I am? How can I go on living when it’s not within me to be content with reality?

To live or die is a choice. But I don’t know how to make that choice. There’s too many conflicting emotions […]

I keep finding myself looking back at the past, full of regret. If only I’d been a bit more brave, a bit more outgoing. All of this could have been avoided. I could’ve had a worthwhile life.

But the truth is, there were reasons for every single choice I made. I wasn’t free to just disregard my crippling fear, and jump into situations I perceived as hostile.

It’s possible things could’ve turned out differently, if the universe had been different. But every choice I made was formed long before I became aware of it. And given the circumstances, and who I was at the time, it was […]

I’ve written variations on this before, but it’s on my mind again.

For reasons I won’t go into, the kind of relationships I want with other people are beyond my grasp. The fulfillment that many get from partners, family, friends etc. isn’t really open to me. I think this is the main root of my anxiety. My brain desperately tries to work out some way to find what I want, but it can’t. So I turn to various compulsive behaviors to try and fill the absence of purpose this leaves. But nothing really satisfies, and ultimately I realize that it’s all empty to me. Which leaves me […]

I’m pretty damn shallow. Horribly so. Which is probably what comes from spending more time watching tv than with real people. Anyway…

The things in life I deem meaningful are beyond me. They are for other people. Those less fucked up. My family, distant relatives, former friends, past acquaintances. Anyone with their shit together and a relatively clear conscience.

So what now? I should dedicate my life to helping others find the happiness that I can’t. But I’m far too selfish for that. My mind just won’t let go of the impossible. I ultimately don’t care about anyone but myself. Why should anyone else be happy if I […]

I can’t be this anymore. I need to be someone else. Someone who didn’t waste all his formative years. Who can stand being around other people. Who can maintain social links without hating himself. Who has some semblance of a life.

There are so many things I should’ve done. And so many things I shouldn’t.

I just can’t face the shame. I’m always terrified of other people seeing that I’m such a pathetic, selfish coward. That I’ve just hidden away for so many years, and allowed others to take on my responsibilities.

But turning it all around – I just don’t know how. Whenever I have to face up […]

I love my parents. It’s something I forget most of the time. They’ve done so much for me. The idea of making them deal with my suicide is something I just can’t justify. It seems like the ultimate act of ingratitude – a slap in the face I’m not sure they’d ever recover from. I’m a selfish asshole, but I just don’t think I could do it. I don’t want to ruin the happiness they have left.

But I don’t think I’m capable of being functional either. I’m this sack of misery and despair. Everything is exhausting. Everything is aggravating. Everything is a reminder that I […]

This is hard to explain, so apologies when it becomes muddled.

Suppose you feel you have to accept being alone – and I don’t just mean not having a partner, but no deeper relationships of any kind. No one who really knows or understands you, no one ‘on your side’ who would stand by you if they knew the truth.

That’s a hard reality for me to face. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I have this idea of how life should be. People shouldn’t be alone. If you’re alone, then you’re sad, and worthless, and your life is meaningless. And so believing that I make myself miserable, […]

This is just more of me trying to work through my own crap, so please feel free to ignore.

I don’t know how to live. When there’s no real hope of things getting better. When it gets a tiny bit worse every day.

How do you make yourself go on? How do you force yourself to be part of the world when everything you come across is a reminder that you are completely alone, and that your existence is worthless? When every effort you make just drives home in your mind how utterly screwed you are.

I want to rage at the world. And at myself. I want to […]

DISCLAIMER: This is just my usual attempt to untangle the mess in my head. Much of it is probably rambling bullshit.

I don’t know what I’m doing here. My mind is dominated by the negative. All I can think of is the things that are wrong with my life. The physical discomfort I’m in. The way my body should look. The things I should’ve done. How alone I am.

I don’t want to die. I’m far too self-involved for that. Who would the universe revolve around if I disappeared?

I just don’t know how to live in a way that doesn’t spread misery. Maybe I’m addicted to being miserable. But […]

My life is characterized by an inability to accept reality. Some would say I have an addictive personality. I don’t know if that’s accurate. But I do spend most of each day trying to find something that will make me feel ok with the world, just for a few minutes. I can push my fears to the back of my mind to varying degrees, but they’re never really gone.

Every now and then I try to face my fears, to drive them away. But inevitably I end up crushed. My life just seems too bleak, the obstacles too impossible to overcome. So I turn away again […]

Suppose you’re standing at the beginning of the universe (presuming the universe had a beginning), and you have the choice of whether or not to flip the switch to make it all happen. Do you do it? Should you do it?

What I’m trying to get at is: is the existence of this world a good thing? Is it good that humans exist on this ball of rock swinging through space? Does all the love, joy, & beauty justify all the pain, loss, and frustration?

I often wonder. Is life worth living? For anybody? Would it be better to just write the whole thing off as an […]

I’m not really sure what I’m doing, still living. I have my selfish reasons for wanting to live. But I’m not pursuing them. Maybe I don’t really want it that much. Maybe I know on some level it’s pointless. So what am I still doing here?

Ending my life would hurt my family a great deal. That’s a bad thing. I don’t want to do that. But I’m selfish. The idea of lingering on as this pathetic broken thing for their sake doesn’t hold much weight. I seemingly don’t care enough to get my shit together and live a life that won’t bring them shame either. […]

There’s still things I want to do with this life. But I don’t think I can. It’s hard to explain.

I don’t think I can ever feel a real connection with anyone, because of what I’ve done, and who I am. I’m never able to really enjoy the company of others, or really invest in friendships. I just can’t shake the anxiety I feel with other people. The realization that if they knew who I really was they wouldn’t want anything to do with me makes it all seem hollow. Any relationship I form is a deceit. By conning people into caring about me, I’m wronging […]

I’ve been going through old photos, from over ten years ago. My teenage years. Back when I was still a person. Before I turned myself into an unperson. It hurts so much. Looking at who I used to be, compared to now. Not that I was always happy then. There are already the seeds of anxiety and self-hatred visible. There is a clear link between who I was then and who I’ve become. But I can’t help feeling like it could of gone either way. That if only I’d met the right people, been a bit braver, made a few different choices, I could’ve been […]

It’s hard to balance the competing aspects of my mind. The feelings of hopelessness are so overwhelming. That I just shouldn’t exist. That me being here is wrong. Every time I try to do anything to improve my situation, it just causes conflict. It makes me want to just crawl away and die.

And yet, I know that if I actually did that, the people around me would be devastated and angry. They want me to be alive. They want me to be functional. Just somewhere else. Where they don’t have to deal with me. They want me to not be me. And I don’t know how to […]