Author

thehusk

Worth less

by thehusk 4/1/2016

written by thehusk

This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.

I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.

So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career […]

4/1/2016 3 comments

I miss being a child

by thehusk 3/24/2016

written by thehusk

I’m going through some of my old things from childhood, as part of a clearout, and I’m finding it hard to get rid of them. They’re my link to a time when I wasn’t like this. When I felt really alive, as opposed to just living.

I’m not sure what exactly it is. I suppose they remind me of when I was last happy. When the world seemed both fascinating and simple, rather than threatening and complex. Every tiny thing felt meaningful, as opposed to now, when everything I do is kind of empty. My life felt worthwhile. The world was a good place to be, […]

3/24/2016 6 comments

Trying To Let Go

by thehusk 3/19/2016

written by thehusk

I just saw an ex-colleague I have a thing for for the first time in three months. Kind of weirded me out, because a) I thought she’d moved hundreds of miles away, and b) it was the first time I’ve left the house in a week. I find myself thinking about her often, (which is sad and pathetic for so many reasons), and then there she suddenly is.

I didn’t talk to her or anything – didn’t even catch her eye. Had the weird feeling of simultaneously dreading her noticing me, or saying anything – because of my extreme social awkwardness – whilst longing for her to […]

3/19/2016 2 comments

This pain in my stomach, won’t go away…

by thehusk 3/17/2016

written by thehusk

…That is a lie. There are times when I can go whole hours without noticing it.

But any time I have to do something involving conscious thought, up it pops. My body is hard-wired to react negatively to encounters with reality. Everything is just another sign that I’m inferior. That I will never live up to my own expectations. That I’m a failure as a human-being.

I’m trying to accept these feelings. This despair that smothers me. But it’s exhausting. I get a few hours a day when I feel strong enough to function, but the rest of the time I just want to curl up and […]

3/17/2016 1 comment

by thehusk 3/10/2016

written by thehusk

3/10/2016 1 comment

by thehusk 3/7/2016

written by thehusk

Today everything just seems that little bit more pointless. Hurrah for my screwy brain. In a few hours/days I’m sure I’ll be back in a state of delusional avoidance. But right now I just feel lost and empty.

3/7/2016 0 comment

I’ve Made My Bed, But I’d Rather Not Lie In It

by thehusk 3/1/2016

written by thehusk

I want to go back. Change everything. There was so much potential for happiness in my life. If only I hadn’t been such a fucking asshole. But now it’s too late. Now I’ve become this thing that I can’t let anyone see. I can’t make a connection with anyone because I have to put on an act. Pretend I’m a decent person, not a disgusting oxygen-thief. Can’t change myself to become decent. There’s some things you can’t come back from. I’m not sure what the right thing would be from this point. I’m guessing it would hurt. A lot. Me, and my family. A whole […]

3/1/2016 4 comments

Somewhere Inbetween

by thehusk 2/28/2016

written by thehusk

When I try to get my head around the idea of ending my life, I can’t imagine going through with it. Letting go of all the possibilities of existence. Everything suddenly starts to seem precious. Every moment, every minor positive experience, becomes meaningful. How could I leave a world with such beauty in it? A world containing fluffy clouds on summer days, rolling hills, and a sky full of stars. A world full of music. How could I not hang on for as long as possible, just for the chance of another moment like that?

The problem is maintaining that feeling while interacting with society. You […]

2/28/2016 2 comments

Hell has a special place ready, apparently.

by thehusk 2/25/2016

written by thehusk

I don’t think I should exist. I’m a terrible person. That’s not an emotional response, just a plain statement of fact. And I don’t think I have it in me to do better. I don’t want to do better. I want terrible things.

Except I don’t. It’s hard to explain. I have enough of a conscience to see what an awful person I am, and feel bad about it. It’s tough for the ego, realizing you’re at the bottom of the heap, morally speaking. But not enough to really want to do the right thing. I don’t care about anything or anybody enough for that.

I just […]

2/25/2016 5 comments

Can’t Let Go

by thehusk 2/17/2016

written by thehusk

I should be asleep. I have to be up in 5 hours. The loneliness is eating at me again. I so badly want someone to understand what’s really going through my head. I want to be wanted for who I really am, rather than who I pretend to be. But it’s impossible. Necessary, but impossible. Can’t let go of it. Can’t fulfill it.

Wish I had something to knock me out every night. During the day I can fill my head with crap to drown out the loneliness.

Instead, I’m stuck in this cycle of feeling exhausted during the day, and then anxious/lonely at night.

2/17/2016 11 comments

Even More Pointless Self-pity

by thehusk 2/13/2016

written by thehusk

I wish I could be myself around other people. Unfortunately, ‘myself’ is a complete piece of shit. And while there are things I can do to moderate that, I can’t see it ever changing.

So my life is artificial. I can’t let anyone else see who or what I really am. What goes through my head. Because it’s fundamentally unacceptable. I am completely alone. I can’t let anyone see the fear. Because if they see the fear, they might start asking what I’m so afraid of. What is so awful that I feel so anxious about?

So my whole life is an act. It has been for […]

2/13/2016 8 comments

Afraid To Leave

by thehusk 2/4/2016

written by thehusk

So I’m planning to quit my crappy retail job in the next couple of months. I’ve been thinking about it most of the 3+ years I’ve been there. I live with my folks, and they’re hoping to move within 6 months. I’m thinking I’ll go with them.

I figure I’ll have to quit then anyway, and if I do it before the move, I’ll have some time to sort my shit out a bit. If I wanted to carry on there, then I’d either have to travel 4 times as far from the new place (which would be ridiculous for the length of my shifts), or start renting my […]

2/4/2016 4 comments

The Fear Part of The Cycle

by thehusk 1/25/2016

written by thehusk

Why am I back here? I suppose I’m afraid. Afraid that it’s all just empty. All the crap I fill my mind with to keep me going. It’s all just illusory. Most of it’s fantasy, and what isn’t is hollow.

And maybe sensing this makes me afraid. Because maybe humans need to believe in goals to survive and thrive. Maybe we need to believe that this one thing we’re focusing on will make everything worthwhile. Because if we lose that belief, then why do anything? Why not just lay down and die?

Apathy is a threat to survival. Maybe that is why I’m afraid.

1/25/2016 1 comment

Fuck It

by thehusk 1/18/2016

written by thehusk

I can’t let go of the past. Who I am. What I’ve done. The thoughts I’ve had. The things I’ve seen, and felt. It is me. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I could just wipe the slate clean – go off and be a happy, functional person. But there are reasons why I am where I am. A person can’t exist without a past – an explanation of why they are how they are. Maybe if I got amnesia – or could change my memory somehow. Convince myself that I’m not here because I’m screwed up beyond all belief, but because […]

1/18/2016 12 comments

Soundtrack For Today

by thehusk 1/15/2016

written by thehusk

Feel your hands on the rock
Roll the rock up the hill
What did you do to deserve this hell?
When you get to the top
Watch it roll down again

1/15/2016 1 comment

Hate

by thehusk 1/15/2016

written by thehusk

I’m so full of poison. I hate everybody. Everything. Myself. Fuck reality for being like this. Fuck me for feeling like this. I just want it to stop. I want to sleep, and wake up in a world that isn’t this one, where I am not this person. Or failing that, I want to burn the whole thing down.

1/15/2016 7 comments

Empty Universe

by thehusk 1/11/2016

written by thehusk

Imagine a life without human relationships. No partners. No children. No close friends. No feeling of connection.

What is left?

What else can give a sense of meaning to the suffering we all face as part of life? If for some reason connections with others are ruled out, what is left in this vast, empty world that can hold any enduring significance?

1/11/2016 6 comments

Inner Conflict

by thehusk 1/11/2016

written by thehusk

I’m a mess of conflicting emotions. Maybe everybody is. But it seems like most people manage to maintain a degree of balance.

I want so many different, irreconcilable things. Many of them are flat out logically incoherent (even if I could time travel.) Some are just wildly improbable. And of those that are possible, my preference swings back and forth on an hourly basis. Any steps I take towards one goal will likely be undone the next day in pursuit of another. I don’t just want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the whole frickin’ cake shop, and all possible cakes yet to […]

1/11/2016 0 comment

To Be Ok With Not Being Ok

by thehusk 1/2/2016

written by thehusk

So…my thought for the day is that I will probably never be happy. I don’t I have it in me. You don’t get to live how I’ve lived and be happy. There is no peace for me here.

Despite that, for the time being, I think I still want to live. I still want to pursue my goals, however out of reach they seem, even knowing that gaining them will bring nothing but momentary satisfaction before the gnawing discontent returns.

The main obstacles to this settlement are sleep and work.

On my days off I can usually cope with my overwhelming anxiety/existential dread by focusing on other things. I […]

1/2/2016 6 comments

Is Life A Good Thing? For Anyone?

by thehusk 12/29/2015

written by thehusk

So I tend to assume that the problem is me. With the destructive ways of thinking and habits that I cling to. Or with my defective body. With my distorted, twisted personality. I look at the people around me, and think ‘They look happy. I should be like them.’

If I could only be like everyone else, and feel a sense of meaningful connection with others, then my life would be worth living. It gives me something to aspire to. Got to find a way to fix myself, and then everything will be ok. Or, if that’s not possible, got to keep a lid on my […]

12/29/2015 19 comments

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