I don’t know how to live with this. With myself. I’m full of hatred & negativity. I feel so alone, & lost. I am a terrible person, but I don’t have it within me to be better. I can change my actions, but my underlying view of life remains the same. The problem is fundamental to who I am. No matter how many new starts I make, I will eventually drag myself down.
I have cut myself off from all humanity. I am completely alone. There is no meaning to anything I do. I go through the motions, clinging to the vestiges of life. But it’s artificial, and completely hollow. My dreams are based in my own twisted view of the world, and cannot be fulfilled.
Why can’t I let go? Fear? Guilt at the pain it would cause? Maybe I just love making myself miserable? Maybe I believe on some level that my life is really fantastic, despite how my mind constantly torments itself. Maybe my survival instinct overrides everything? I just want to not feel this, or be this, anymore. I want to sleep. I want it to stop.
Hi Husk: I can relate to how you are feeling. I feel the same way. Alone and lost.
But, I realize that I haven’t cut myself off completely because I found this website. It helps to share feelings with people who understand. It helps to not have people tell me to think positively and life will get better. It helps to reach out and say “I get it. You are not completely alone”. I hope that helps you too.
And I hope that with me you will hang on for one more day. That’s all we can do isn’t it? One day at a time .
Some days I have to take it second by second because I feel like I’m going to lose it. I get what you are saying and don’t really know what to do myself but I cope through music mostly. I find posting here to be helpful as well, not expecting others to have the answers but just to get it out of my head at the very least. Take it easy and remember to keeping breathing, focus on that when it feels like too much.
I know self-help fluff can be really irritating and feel pointless. But according to the page below, if we put ourselves down, it actually REDUCES our self-discipline etc.
In other words, if you are kind to yourself, it will make you perform better at life. And who doesn’t want that?
I have very similar feelings as yourself. My core attitudes are incompatible with everything.