thehusk

There’s so much regret and longing lodged in my brain. Nighttime is when it all starts leaking out into my consciousness, tormenting me. There’s so much I wish I’d done differently, been a completely different person. I feel like I’ve been set on this path for so long, but I can’t help wondering…what if? Could some twist of fate have saved me? But I didn’t believe in it then, as I don’t now. I was already too far gone. All that’s changed since then is age.

When I think back, I forget how fucked up and alienated I already was back then. Nobody could’ve saved […]

A large part of me just wants to stop. To let go of being. A stronger part forces me on. I don’t know if it would be worth all the pain and despair it would cause to my loved ones, just to be free from being this. To not have to hate myself, or the world anymore. No more anger, or frustration.

Probably not. Probably the ruining of 3 other lives (and the ripples out to others beyond them) is not worth my escape from this being.

But I can’t stop thinking about it. I keep coming back to it, again and again. I want out. […]

Are there alternative versions of me out there in the multiverse? Ones that are sleeping contentedly in this moment, without this gaping hole inside? Ones that did some of the things I wish I’d done, and avoided the things I wish I hadn’t?

I need some way to hack into those alternate realities, and transplant myself into one. Any mad/genius scientists who happen to be reading and have a plan, I volunteer. God, to just wake up and find it was all a bad dream! That I wasn’t this pathetic isolated emotional cripple. To not be this insanely alone anymore.

Of course the simpler solution would be […]

Reality feels bad. Or rather, my limited perception of what is real feels bad. I have no insight into the ultimate nature of things. But there are times when it seems like my delusions about life on this rock are pierced by glimpses of deeper truth. And the more clearly I see, the worse it feels.

I can totally understand people who cling desperately to religion or ideology or cultural narratives to protect them from that kind of insight. My mind is constantly trying to do it too – to construct a narrative where everything can be worked out well and fairly and no one needs […]

Why aren’t I doing it? It’s what I ask myself every morning, and whenever my mood dips during the day. If I feel this hopeless and sad, then why aren’t I killing myself? Not only am I not killing myself, I’m not even making the effort to research and obtain my methods. It probably wouldn’t be that hard. I still have enough money (I think). A few risks here and there, but then I would be out of it.

Instead of feeling like this, or worrying about getting more work, or the seemingly pointless chore of self-improvement, I could be done. Over with. If it feels […]

I desperately want to go back in time, and be somebody different. Live a different life where none of this ever happened. But that’s not an option. If that version of me were ever possible, it’s long dead now. There is only the future. But I have no clue what to do from here. I’m so fucked up in my mind, my personality, how I relate to people. There’s this terrible side to me and most of the time it’s in the driving seat. And I love it and I hate it, all at the same time. It feels amazing one moment and awful the […]

I worry about participating on sites like these, talking to suicidal people. Especially those who are younger and more impulsive than me. I worry that I might say something that triggers something for them, which then pushes them over the edge. Not intentionally or from being insulting (I think I’m rarely mean), but just carelessly through discussion. And it’s not that it would exactly be my ‘fault’ if that did happen. I don’t think I have the power to make anyone kill themselves who isn’t already 99% of the way there. But it still concerns me.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that no […]

I chose this. Mostly unconsciously; I never imagined I’d end up here. But if I’d made different decisions, it seems plausible I could’ve lived a decent life. Not spectacular, but good; meaningful. And instead I chose the myriad of errors that led me here; utterly alone, pathetically desperate, gazing on as others live out what I robbed myself of.

I might question how a younger me came to be so morally bankrupt; to make such terrible choices. Clearly circumstance and innate vulnerabilities played a role. But I don’t think I was destined to be this; I wasn’t born a monster. I made myself into one, choice […]

A day or two ago there was a mass shooting in the nearest large town. That doesn’t happen round here; hardly anyone has guns, and its pretty rural. When I hear about this kind of thing on the news, I always struggle to understand the mindset of the murderer.

I can totally get feeling hatred and anger toward society; even wanting to hurt people. I’ve had fantasies about wiping out the whole of humanity; just so I can finally be free of the fear of others. I can even understand lashing out in a moment of rage or despair. So I think I get some of […]

Just Venting. I’m so sad. Saw my sister for the first time in a year. She’s expecting her first child. I’m glad for her, but it reminds me that I will never be a father. I don’t even want a family right now, but it’s knowing it’s not even an option that hurts.

What I want is a partner (at least some of the time). But I’m so far away from being capable of that. Even if I could somehow deceive someone into caring for me, and find someone that could stand to be around me 24/7, it’s not something I could do to someone […]

The struggle to make a ‘living’ has never seemed worthwhile to me. It’s not that I don’t have a work ethic – I’m pretty damn conscientious, once I get started. I’m even quite bright, in an abstract, head in the clouds kind of way. I like to be helpful where I can. I like things to run smoothly. I have skills – they’re just not very marketable.

What I most lack is any ability to deal with other people’s shit. Ask me to do a clearly defined task that’s within my grasp, and I’ll happily oblige. Ask me to deal with whatever hectic schedule you’re running […]

We all die alone. More or less. Maybe someone is there to hold your hand at the end. But you are alone in experiencing death. It’s scary, but it’s the same for everyone.

What I’m doing is living alone, for however long I live, and that fact makes me so much sadder. I will never connect with anyone. I will never care for anyone. I will never let anyone into my life. If I live a normal lifespan, no one will come to my funeral.

It’s such a waste. But I just can’t. I can’t be real with anyone, ever. I can’t be ‘myself’, because ‘myself’ is […]

I’m so sick of being me. But I’m also rather attached. What I wouldn’t give for some thoughts and feelings not contaminated by this well of loneliness and despair inside. But if anyone were able to take it from me, I would stubbornly resist. It’s who I am now. I’ve been this way the majority of my life. My formative years. It’s my personality. Despair, pessimism, isolation, and regret for what might’ve been. I can’t imagine anything else. I can’t imagine not hating myself. It’s my only frame of reference for interacting with the world.

When it comes down to it, I think a lot of my issues stem from a fundamentally deficient mindset. The vast majority of people would’ve been able to deal with the circumstances I grew up in just fine. I was dealt a perfectly decent hand of cards. I just wasn’t granted the capacity to appreciate them. I wasn’t able to accept or find meaning in a world where I was seen as less than or inferior. I wasn’t ok with being average. And so I refused to play the part, and make the necessary effort to remain average. I became sub-standard. I didn’t value the […]

The only circumstance where I can imagine actually ending my life is if I was afraid of something more than I was afraid of death. If I had a serious illness and was afraid of the pain, then maybe. Otherwise, I’m stuck here. I’m not physically impulsive, and I’m averse to injury, so I’m not going to do anything like that. I’m not strong willed and I don’t have a clear idea of things in life I won’t accept. I’ve already failed at everything in life, yet I’m still here. There’s no low to which I’ll think ‘this is too much.’ I’m already at the […]

Last night I dreamt again about the only girl who ever cared for me. Not the only girl who was into me, but the only one who got close enough for me to really feel it. She often flits in and out of my dreams, though last night was particularly vivid.

I think what stands out is the memory of what it’s like to be around someone who cares about you like that. The feeling of having someone there who’s on your side, looking out for you, who actually likes you as a person – that’s been so rare in my life. To know that someone […]

It’s a kind of a mindfuck, being guilty of something where you can’t know the consequences. I suppose the closest comparison would be repeatedly drunk driving and not knowing whether you’d ever hit anyone. Though it’s somehow both far worse and much less direct than that. On the one hand, it’s hard to believe that what I’ve done had any real effect on anyone else. I can construct chains of causation where my actions played a role in ruining someone else’s life. But it’s hard to take them seriously. It’s all hypothetical. I don’t really feel the guilt. What I feel is closer to shame. […]

I woke this morning filled with irrational hatred. Wanting to destroy the whole world, and everyone in it. It’s a familiar feeling. There’s no logic or justifiable grievance behind it. No one has ever wronged me severely enough to provoke such feelings. If I were to explain it, I would put it down to some kind of suppressed narcissistic rage. A primeval fury at being denied that which I feel entitled to.

I drift back and forth between dream and consciousness, gripped in this negative state. Slowly the parts of me charged with functioning kick into gear. But a shadow is cast over my day. What […]

The question seems to be how to cause myself minimal suffering while I’m still here. This is a problem. My entire psychology seems to be tailored toward self-aggravation. To seeking out the things I want but can’t have, so I can feel good and miserable about it. To search for reminders of the acts I feel the most guilt for. To wallowing in my complete isolation.

Life is not good for me. Living is not good. Experiencing the world through the prism of this mind generates needless unhappiness. It would be better if I could spend most of each day unconscious. Wake up every now and […]

The problem is me. My personality. The way I think about and react to things. I cause myself huge amounts of needless, pointless distress. But I’m also way too stubborn to change that. I’m so in love with hating myself at this point that I won’t ever let myself change.

I need a personality transplant. This one isn’t viable anymore. It sabotages any attempt to help it. The rot has gone too deep. I need to be brainwashed. Mindwiped. Reprogrammed. Basically I need someone to imprison me, erase all my memories, and totally retrain me like a newborn child.

Of course that isn’t possible. Any intervention depends […]