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Dear Lemon #2

by thirteen
written by thirteen

Dear Lemon,

I guess this is it. This is what looks like the end of our friendship. I wish you’d at least tell me straight – at least say something – but I guess, given what all of us are going through, and what you specifically are going through, that’s been too much to ask. I don’t know how to feel about this. A part of me feels guilty, but I guess neither of us handled this well.

I thought I’d be dead at this point. And yet… I’m not. I guess I’m in the place where it literally hurts more than I could ever imagine. I […]

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Two Worlds

by thirteen
written by thirteen

On one hand, I’m slowly dying inside because I’m losing my closest friend, and it feels like my fault.

On the other hand, I’m somehow still able to do research, even though I feel like the world is collapsing.

I don’t know if this means I’m learning to cope, or that god is readying a bigger turd to shit all over my life.

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Day 4

by thirteen
written by thirteen

I miss you so much. Sometimes we live because we want to. Sometimes we live because we have to. Today, I’m going through the motions of life for you. Ostracism. A fittingly ugly word for an equally ugly thing.

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Dear Lemon

by thirteen
written by thirteen

There’s so much pain in this place. I thought I’d write something at least a little hopeful (if still bitter and morbid) [and as an afterthought, clumsily worded].

Dear Lemon,

I haven’t really, truly trusted anyone in a long time. Sure, I trust people to do work-related things, but I’ve never trusted anyone to care. My doubt has always been one-sided – questioning the potential goodwill of others, but never the “malice”.

I realized that’s why it’s been so hard for me to be alone. Whenever you “blow me off”, or fail to speak to me for more than a day, I immediately start wondering if our friendship […]

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Please let me cry

by thirteen
written by thirteen

The only thing about being abandoned is that there’s nothing to cry about. Nobody yells at you, nobody calls to tell you that they no longer care. There is no email carrying the time-stamp of the end of your friendship. There is nothing to cry about because being abandoned is precisely when nothing happens.

When someone walks out on you, it’s easy to wish that they slammed the door behind them. You almost want something to happen – anything, good or bad – just so your pain makes sense. When people break up or fight, everyone knows. The hugs and kind words add up. Having someone sneak out […]

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Train

by thirteen
written by thirteen

I can’t share this song I wrote with anyone else because my life is going well at the moment, and I don’t want everyone to go batshit. I have a horrible MP3 of this recorded using my phone if anyone’s interested.

How do you hope when someone else is hurt,
How will you dress their wounds while you’re lying in the dirt?
Your hope is nothing but foolish pride,
You think you’re in love but you’re empty inside.

Keep your toes on the edge of the platform,
The train will come, and heal your wounds.
Walk up to that ledge and close your eyes,
Take a breath […]

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The Stumble

by thirteen
written by thirteen

This is not a story of hope, even though it starts of like one.

It’s been five years since I first tried to kill myself via exit bag, after six years of depression. After that failed attempt, I decided that if I wasn’t going to die, then I was going to try to live. I decided to do everything I could to leave my old life behind – family, friends… everything.

Things started getting better career/work-wise. I went to college and graduated top in my major. I was able to move across the globe (literally, with a 12 hour time-zone difference), because I am doing my PhD […]

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