Smoking gun
We’ve lost it all
The love is gone.
The more I try to stay, the more I want to go… Let me go. Just please let me go…
Fucking shit. I don’t even know how to start this post as my eyes hurt from so much crying.
It is easier to read my last post to understand what I’m about to write as I’m too tired to retell the story. Anyway, I had my therapy session today. But let’s start from the beginning. Coming from class last night, I get an email from my university’s counselor asking me to call her the next morning (this am.) When I do, she tells me that my friend opened the letter I had given her and, obviously, had to do something about it. The counselor asked me […]
It’s four days until it’s time to go for good. I keep pretending everything is fine and I’ll even see my therapist tomorrow. Of course she’ll want to talk about last week but I’ll just let her know that the thoughts are gone and I’m ok. If I really tell her, she’ll have to report me and I’ll be locked up in a nut house, so why bother? I’m screaming on the inside, honestly.
I’ve been asking close friends what they would do if they only had a few more days to live and I’ll slowly start doing what they say. Like yesterday morning, for example, […]
Death used to scare me. Every time I thought of it, my entire body would shiver and I would think of people I love; how they would react, what would happen after I died, how they would cope. I didn’t want anyone I care deeply to be hurt because I died. Well, not anymore. Death is comforting now. It doesn’t scare me to think about it; it’s inviting even. And when I start to think of the ones I love, the thought that I will simply not be here rushes in. I won’t be here. It will all be over. All the pain, all the […]
October 14th is when it will all happen. I’ve organized my entire room today and have started on the so called “goodbye letters.” My therapist called me today after an email I had sent her and I’ll be seeing her this Wed. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her on the phone, but I will when we see each other. I know she will try to talk me out of it, but it won’t work. She’s been so wonderful and helpful but there’s no fixing me. So why should I go on at all?? There are things that I’ll miss from life of course, but […]
This is my second post on this blog. My first one had been back in April in 2012. I had even forgotten my username and password. Guess that should be considered a good thing. But it’s not. And it’s not because here I am again, and if I am here it means that all those thoughts are back. They’ve been back for a while though. Actually, they’ve never left. So much has happened since my last post. Things I could talk about forever but I am so tired.
I never wanted to be the crazy one. In fact, I never thought I would ever be. But […]
I never understood why people write letters before killing themselves. It always seemed sort of unnecessary and selfish to put the ones that stay under a letter apologizing why they did what they did because why did they do it in the first place? So I never understood why, until now. They write because it’s the last goodbye, it’s their last attempt to say they love who’s staying and they are sorry they couldn’t find a way out… They know it’s gonna hurt who’s reading it, they do, but they have to write it. It’s like when an old man decides to reveal his last […]