What more important thing is there than each other? What matters more than people? The people I love. Those I hold dearest to my heart. How could anything ever matter more? I don’t understand.
Why do I feel so alone?
I don’t see it. How you can say you care yet not care. How every last attempt feels broken and I feel like I’m cheating and still not getting anywhere. And the guilt. The guilt. I know it’s wrong, so wrong. But I don’t know any other way. I don’t understand. How can anything be more important?
All I see are my insecurities. My faults. […]
Vanish
Continued from: here.
Letter didn’t go so well. I threw too many complaints at him at once, completely blindsiding him. But I had no other way to get it out. I was hoping this could open an avenue of discussion between us and we could be more comfortable around each other. Today… the next day… I feel like I’m choking. I was fine all day until he got home from work. He acts like he’s walking on eggshells around me. He says at dinner, “I would tell you about my day, but I’m not allowed to talk about anything negative.” … I had […]
I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. Not yet. Not until I’ve done something good in this world and made my own mark. Not until I’ve had children and raised them to be far happier than I am. Only when I’m old do I want to die.
But I want to disappear. I want to cease to exist. Vanish. Or rather, I want for all my problems to vanish. I want to hide away in this room the rest of the day and forever onwards, shirking responsibility. I don’t want to help with my sister-in-law’s wedding today. I don’t want to see all the wedding […]