Not as strong as you think

What more important thing is there than each other? What matters more than people? The people I love. Those I hold dearest to my heart. How could anything ever matter more? I don’t understand.
Why do I feel so alone?
I don’t see it. How you can say you care yet not care. How every last attempt feels broken and I feel like I’m cheating and still not getting anywhere. And the guilt. The guilt. I know it’s wrong, so wrong. But I don’t know any other way. I don’t understand. How can anything be more important?
All I see are my insecurities. My faults. My guilt. I can’t blame you. You’re just living your lives. You have people too. They must be important. They must be. More important than me.
That’s the only explanation.
Is it so bad that I want to monopolize your time? To feel, for once, what life says you should feel? Kindred spirits. Surround me. Be there. I want it most. More than anything. For so long. How could they not understand?
How couldn’t they see it?! How much I needed someone. Anyone. What made me so damn insignificant?! I saw them! I watched them. Every day. Every day year by year by year yet… they can’t even look me in the eye. You people sent my poor little teenage heart to the bathroom in tears. Again and again.
What made me so forgotten? How did I fail so badly?
Why were my letters always last?
My phone calls always last?
The first one to look the other up?
… Why did I even bother?
How did I fail so badly?
I used to imagine, clutching that stupid padded picture frame that you could hear me. I could sing that hauntingly beautiful song that was my favorite because it meant hope even at that young age. That you might do the same. Our moon is the same. That you might think of me. … I knew it wasn’t true.
I knew I was a failure.
I knew it. And I knew that’s what made me a failure. But what started it? What started me this way? What made me feel so insignificant that I became so?
My mind is just as logical as it is not. I know. I know. So I don’t need you to tell me I’m not a failure.
But I do need you.
I need you without games. Without unwritten letters or notes slipped into desks or lockers or onto your windshield. I need you to understand. To forgive my insecurities. With honesty and appreciation. I need you to make the first move. To make the last phone call. To say go out of your way to say hello. To look up out of your own worries for the tiniest of moments to see that I’ve been watching all along, helping along the way. Praying for you. Needing to be needed. Trying so very hard to be brave.
Because that was the only way I ever made progress.
But can’t I be the weak one for once?