Violet Blake

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.No matter what I say or do I’ll still feel you here ’til the moment I’m gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity. Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I’m supposed to be. But you’re on to me and all over me.

You loved me ’cause I’m fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.

I was staring into the old mirror, the one that was hidden under dust and cobwebs in our attic, when the hallucination happened.

I used to go up into that attic every single day to play with all the old stuff up there my parents kept, and I loved watching myself in that mirror.

The little girl seemed to appear out of thin air in the mirror but for some reason I didn’t panic. I didn’t even gasp, I just kept staring into the mirror like nothing had change.

“You can’t keep lying to yourself, Violet”.

I almost cracked a smile, “Me, lie to myself, never”.

The little girl mimicked me, “since when did you […]

I remember exactly where I was on this day. 

Sitting in my first grade classroom thinking about how nice it would be to be a butterfly.

We were learning about butterflies for science and my teacher wanted us to all picture what it would be like if we could be a butterfly and change from a small creature to a beautiful, natural masterpiece with wings that let us fly away to wherever we wanted to go.

That was when the phone rang.

“Hello, Mrs. Myers room, first grade”.

I remember seeing the horror stricken look on her face, the terror in her eyes. She didn’t make a sound, only grabbed […]

School started back up last week.

I’m glad. I know it’s a weird thing to say, but I am extremely greatful to be back in school, even though it is High School (AKA the suckiest place on the planet).

It’s just…..the summer changes me. When Im not in school I become this matrix for self loathing where all I do is stay home and mope around the house like the miserable human being I am by that point. You see, I tell myself that I prefer being alone, that the company of other people just makes me want too go eat dirt instead, but this is very […]

Aly’s funeral was today.

It was…weird. I thought that I would be a wreck, sheddding more tears then I thought I was capable of, but for some reason, watching all those people who loved Aly walk past her coffin, kiss her forehead, touch her hair, remember the good times they had with her when she was alive.

It made me smile.

“Violet, are you okay?” Drake was sitting next to me, his hand warm over mine.

I nodded, “I’m fine”.

I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I was so happy, it was a funeral after all, the irony of it was even a little ridiculous, I felt like such […]

FOREVER.

Strong word, isn’t it?

When I was little I thought it meant that you could never stop loving someone, no matter how hard you tried because nothing could ever tear you apart.

Turns out thinking like a little kid means your unaware of reality.

“I’m never going to leave you Vi, friends forever”.

That’s what Alyson said to me the day before I went over to her house. I told her I had made her a friendship bracelet at camp, one of those stringed ones with the beads on them. It had one letter in the middle, one little letter.

an A.

“Hello?” the door to Alyson’s house was cracked open, the lights […]

Dear Steven,

I would never really send this letter to you for fear that it would just dredge up something you’ve been trying to forget…

US.

Still, I need to get out how I’m feeling, even if it’s in a letter I’d never send, it helps somewhat.

I’ve thought about how I would start off a letter to you millions of times, going over and over it in my head, and I think I’ve finally come up with a good greeting.

I love you.

There. Plain, simple, to the point; Perfect.

Almost.

I love you, but it hurts like hell to love you. I really wish I didn’t sometimes because I know I […]

I’ve been told a lot that you can’t hold onto the past.

Maybe that’s true for a lot of people, but those people aren’t me. My life….it boils down to one point in time. I am thoroughly convinced that if this one thing hadn’t happened to me, then maybe things would’ve turned out differently.

The rape…..yes, you all know that’s what I was talking about. Somehow I don’t think it’s fair to blame all my problems on the rape, but I know for a fact that my depression started there, after the first time.

I haven’t talked about this much because it’s not something I like to talk about, […]

I thought I could handle it, life I mean.

I thought that everything was going to go okay now that I had decided too live my life the way I want too.

But it isn’t.

I had a fight with my mom tonight. She doesn’t listen to be about everything, all she does is speak her own mind and tune mine out.  I just feel like she can be so selfish and conceited, that she forgets that I’m even there, her oldest child, her flower, trying to tell her how much I’m hurting.

“You never listen!” I jumped out of the car at lightning speed and slammed the doors […]

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

I’m DEATHLY afraid. (no pun intended)

I’ve talked about wanting to die, needing to die, trying to die, but I’m afraid to die.

It’s not the actual dying part, it’s the after that is so terrifying. I don’t know if I believe in God, I haven’t since I was 8 yrs. old, so what happens when you die? Do you go to heaven, to hell, some sort of limbo place? Or is it just blackness, just an infinite place of obscure darkness where you are bound to spend all eternity? I CANNOT be […]

I met Mrs. Hudson because of Jimmy. I’d seen her house a dozen times with boards covering the windows and the paint slowly but surely fading away, and I had thought that it was just some old house that no one wanted anymore.

I was wrong.

Jimmy and I were walking down the sidewalk past the high school where he’d just been attending class all day and we’d decided we were going to take a stroll for a little while and just have a nice chat alone.

“Hey Jimmy, why hasn’t anyone bought that house or at least torn it down?” I asked, gesturing up the hill to […]

I think the idea suicide has only one advantage.

It never goes away.

Since I have decided that no matter what happens in the coming years I am NOT going to kill myself, I have had this thought running through my unconscious mind.

“It’s not like the oppurtunity is going to go away”.

It’s not. No matter what happens, the oppurtunity to commit suicide will never go away as long as I am alive. It’s free will, if I don’t want to wait to get old and die then I could just end it myself someday, when I feel like I have lived my life to the fullest and I […]

Jimmy Wilder and I used to be best friends when were kids, since we were five years old. I used to be bullied all the time at school and no one ever wanted to talk to me, they all said I was weird because my hair was too long and my eyes were too blue, like I was an alien for being different, actually I guess that analogy makes a lot of sense.

But not Jimmy. No, Jimmy and I spent every waking moment we could together, throwing rocks into the river and making wishes on them, making up stories about giant alligators that would come […]

I’ve been living up in Waterford, Wisconsin with my father for awhile, and while I’ve been here, I’ve met some pretty incredible people who are changing my life every day.

The most important of these people has been a little girl by the name of Cameron.

I met Cameron in one of the most unique ways I’ve ever met another human being, especially considering this one is an eight year old girl: inside a bar.

My father was inside working his magic with the bartender, being all friendly like he always is, and he decided to drag me along that day, so instead of meet all his drunk […]

I’ve been thinking a lot about irony lately, and Ive come up with the greatest example of it.

My name.

A Violet is a flower; a beautiful, dark, mesmerizing flower. In fact, it’s a lot like me.

I’ve noticed that a Violet and i have a lot in common, and not just because it’s my name, but because like a Violet flower, I am only in season every once in awhile. I am only actually happy once in a great while, just as the flower only blooms in the springtime when everything is gorgeous and the world seems perfect.

I wish I weren’t a flower, but I can’t help […]

How do you tell the person you love that you simply can’t stand them?

I’ve been in love with the same guy for over a year. Seems like a short time, but for me, it might as well be a lifetime.

It’s never been easy for me to love someone, in fact i’ve never been in love like this before, but i know it’s love because i hate him. I hate him every fiber of my being. WE were perfect, for lack of a better word. No, actually we werent perfect, or else I wouldnt be in this mess right? He was perfect. When I was a little girl […]

My father thinks I’m insane.

Well, insane isn’t actually the word he used, it was “possessed”.

Funny, right? I mean what does he think, that the devil is the one whose making me depressed? It’s not like my head has spun all the way around yet, at least not that I’m aware of.

He just doesn’t understand, he think’sI can just be happy, that all I have to do is not be said anymore. Well, I have news for him.

IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

I wish I could just be happy, but I can’t. I’ve spent so much time seeing myself as worthless, and he only contributed to that when […]

I’m officially in love with small towns.

I’ve been visiting my father awhile and nothings really changed, he’s still never home to hang out with me or even try to get to know me again, but that’s not realy a surprise.

Since my father isn’t around much, I’ve been spending a lot of time just getting to know this new town I’ve never even heard of and let me tell you something: It’s amazing.

In this small town, everyone is happy, which is weird, because lots of the people here barely have enough food in their houses to feed their families, but still they feel like the luckiest […]

I haven’t seen my dad since I was eight years old, so when he wrote me a letter and asked me to come up and visit him for a month, I was shocked.

“I think you should go, Violet” my mother said. I keep in mind that she doesn’t really know all about my father and the kind of man he is, even though she was married to the man for a few years it’s like they never even knew each other at all.

“Because he’s your father”.

That’s her excuse? He’s my father. Well, NO SHIT SHERLOCK. If that’s the best explanation for why I should gp […]

I never thought I would want to remember this year.

So many bad things have happened to me this year that I just don’t want too ever look back on; my suicide attempt, my lack of firends, my parents divorce, my dog dying, people at school treating me like a complete freak, and now my best friend Drake is graduating and leaving me in the dust that still remains in high school.

But you know what, I want to remember, because of him.

Drake and I haven’t been friends for very long, but it feels like I’ve known him forever. We have done everything together this school year, […]