School started back up last week.
I’m glad. I know it’s a weird thing to say, but I am extremely greatful to be back in school, even though it is High School (AKA the suckiest place on the planet).
It’s just…..the summer changes me. When Im not in school I become this matrix for self loathing where all I do is stay home and mope around the house like the miserable human being I am by that point. You see, I tell myself that I prefer being alone, that the company of other people just makes me want too go eat dirt instead, but this is very untrue. Yes,Â I like being alone from time to time, but most of the time, although I’d never admit this willingly, I DESPISE being alone.
I’m still not really big on the whole going out wild parties or anything along those lines, but I am appreciating the company of other people at school, the ones who wave at me at the hallways and give me compliments on my hair or outfit or anything. I dont know what it is about school, but for some reason when I’m thereÂ I forget about my troubles for awhile and just listen to my teachers and listen to my friends, its like my problems don’t exsist for awhile.
The depression is almost completely gone. I’m not gonna go as far to say I’ve cured myself because it really hasn’t been all my doing, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely I’m getting there with the help of people who really care about me and want me to do well in life and succeed to my highest potential. I think that’s whatÂ I needed. An extra push to get myself going. I used to hate it when people would try to tell me how talented I am and how much I could do with my life, because I didn’t think it was true, but being in school these last weeks, its really put things in perspective for me. I realized that, if I was going to let others help me, I needed to help myself first and start believing that I can do anything.
You know why I love school so much? It gets me away from my fantasy world for awhile. Everyone is always telling me how it’s not good to live in worlds all the time that only you can control, like the ones in my stories, because it causes you to feel unconnected with reality. I get that logic, sometimes it feels goodÂ for me to live in the world where people are real, where I can have a conversation with someone who can talk back to me. Honestly, it feels good to have friends who aren’t imaginary. See, the ones I’ve created, my characters who I cling to as the people who can help me be normal, they’re not doing a damn thing. If anything, they’re only hurting me because….Well, I guess because they’re MY characters. I’ve created all of them to be in some way like me, give them traits that maybe I don’t like so much about myself so I can try to change them through the course of their story, but I can’t. I can’t change a part of me through words on a piece of paper, I have to do it out here in the real world where I can learn to be the me I once was, before the depression.
Still…..I’m scared to be normal again. I’ve been depressed for so long that being normal seems like the most frightening thing in the world to me, I’m not sure I remember how to be normal. To laugh, to smile, to joke, tojust hang out like a regular teen. I haven’t done any of these things in so long, im frightened as hell.Â Having to start anything over is always scary, but it’s always exciting in a way. I can make everything knew, start from scratch, become a new person If I want to, and I do want too.
If I know one thing for certain right know, it’s that I’m pretty sure high school is gonna save me.