Some thoughts are causing me extreme pain, they won’t go away. I have gained weight, due to medication and I also eat like crazy. It’s gotten out of control, I used to do exercise at home and eat only particular things. I think my bad mentality got me addicted. I have given up a long time ago.
I do maybe know what I am going to study with my 25 years of meaningless existence oh so far. That’s a first for me. But I cannot imagine going out all the time. It’s so stressful for me, because I find myself revolting. I can’t handle any more up to down stares at me.
All my life I have been bullied, taken advantage of, had opportunities taken away, been laughed at, just because of my looks. I cringe, everytime someone takes a picture of me. I’ve edited myself out of photos, scratched my face out/put something over it etc.
I’ve detached myself from my body so much, that I don’t want to work with it anymore. Going shopping is a drag, everything looks weird. It’s hard to motivate myself to do little things to ease me off my pain. My main goal so far was to forget, that I am a person. I only distract myself and it works until I have to face the real world.
I don’t know, why I wasn’t born pretty or at least average. That would’ve been enough…
I know, that it seems silly and there’s other problems but this affected me all my life, in the things I did or didn’t do, to not gain weight or get out of social situations.. It was sad to me, that even when I went on vacation, in nature, this was my thought all the time.
I wish I was dead.