Author

E

UK. 18. Pre transition male. INFP type

Im sorry if i let you down mate

by E 2/3/2015

written by E

i think i might of fucked up this friendship super bad and im not sure if you come here anymore, or under a different name so i wont see you suffering, but, im sorry i didnt make more of an effort, i find it hard sometimes,but im not going to make excuses, it was shitty of me to do when you were suffering, and i wish i could go back and call you more, instead of waiting a week to call you, then letting it go when you didnt pick up,

i wish i tried to call you 5 times that night more even, instead of […]

2/3/2015 4 comments

its just there

by E 1/15/2015

written by E

No Glory In The Process.

Idk, its just a phrase thats plays alot on my mind when i start to get down. Im not sure what it means to me, or if its helping or not. Its just there.

1/15/2015 0 comment

im carrying a corpse

by E 12/23/2014

written by E

at least thats how i feel, this is probably selfish, if not mean of me to even think, but hes wrong. everything is always worse to begin with but it can get better. if he isnt willing to get help hes gonna end up putting a weight 10x the one hes scared of on everyone’s shoulders. he won’t get better till he gets help. and until then hes a corpse waiting to happen. i need him to get help. i had to do it when i felt like i couldn’t. he’ll always feel like he can’t until he does. once he does he’ll see the need to. his family can’t feel the weight yet but i can. […]

12/23/2014 0 comment

im tempted

by E 12/20/2014

written by E

im tempted to take these tablets maybe theyll help the hurt go. maybe if i buy more, space them out over a couple of days make it look like an accident like i didn’t mean to do it. idk.

12/20/2014 3 comments

i cant help him anymore

by E 12/10/2014

written by E

its probably really fucking nasty of me, but i cant handle it, fuck it, my friend, one of my best actually, refuses to get help, and i understand that its scary but he cant use me as that person i cant help him anymore, its making me more suicidal than i would be if he just got help. he needs it but instead lays all that weight, that pressure on me when i know i cant help him like he needs.

i cant help him when or how he needs it and it makes me feel worse, i just want to end it so i dont […]

12/10/2014 12 comments

it just gets harder

by E 12/10/2014

written by E

its been a good half a year or something, i lost count, but i really want to cut and idk why i even bother resisting, i just wish i had the courage to press down that much harder. idk whats going on.

12/10/2014 1 comment

by E 12/8/2014

written by E

today i realized my life is going no where fast and there is zero i can do to change it that i haven’t already tried. my lifes a dump im trash. i want to die. ive been trying so hard to not want it but i do.

12/8/2014 1 comment

its been a while

by E 11/30/2014

written by E

i was gonna do it weeks ago. but something, someone stopped me, canceled out the pain, but now, they’re all i can think about and if im not thinking about them im struck down by stomachaches to the point of nausea, of crying. i know i will never see them again. they dont even know my name. i want to do it, but im just so confused rn idk like i just dont know

11/30/2014 1 comment

by E 11/1/2014

written by E

i know how im going to do it its just a matter of getting the materials without raising suspicion. after i have everything i need in hand im gone. though its going to take some time.

11/1/2014 4 comments

by E 10/5/2014

written by E

i can’t believe what my life has become, the realisation struck me maybe two or so hours ago that i have become a stranger to the people i cling to in hopes that ill be well enough for them one day. im here but im not. idk. ive realised what my life has become. and i can’t change it. i cannot cope outside these four walls I’ve been mercifully given. thats the worst part.i can’t change it. what’s the point. you ever seen into the wild? im gonna do that save up what money i have till there’s enough for me to go find […]

10/5/2014 1 comment

by E 9/30/2014

written by E

I’ve been suicidal before I’ve wanted to hurt myself before, but I’ve never had images, visions, of hurting myself like i have recently. Its getting brutal, what’s going on with me. I could be doing anything playing with my sister having a fag drinking tea and ill just want to grab knife and just want to stab myself repeatedly legs chest everywhere, surely this isn’t normal? I mean I’ve been suicidal for years I’ve never experienced anything like this?

9/30/2014 1 comment

by E 9/27/2014

written by E

probably gonna sound stupid or whiney or that i should mind my own business but this place is for me to get my emotions out right. so hats what im going to do.this isn’t aimed at anyone person in particular. im just torn up about a post on here

i felt better this last so many days i thought what i have been saying was true. but was it. i mean how come he had to wait nearly about hour for a reply, no one even tried, i replied too late what if i could of helped what if he’s dead.not a single person. […]

9/27/2014 9 comments

is there meaning in a meaningless world

by E 9/23/2014

written by E

Im so isolated. Everything i do is meaningless. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe there in lays the beauty.

9/23/2014 2 comments

rough day

by E 9/19/2014

written by E

I hurt all over. Im not sure why.but god its a shitty feeling and it just makes my head hurt more and that just intensifies the physical pain its like an endless loop of growing pain. And i just can’t sleep which makes it worse.

Idk everything about todays been overwhelming. It just makes me want to curl up and cry. That’s it really. Not much more to say than that.

9/19/2014 8 comments

she’s right

by E 9/18/2014

written by E

my sister turned around to me and said i was getting fat again. i hadn’t noticed, but she’s right. of course she is. i just can’t keep stable can i?

9/18/2014 33 comments

by E 9/17/2014

written by E

today i came to the conclusion id rather have drug induced states of happiness over no happiness at all. maybe one day it can kill me. at least that way i can die happy. i don’t see it happening any other way.

9/17/2014 9 comments

by E 9/12/2014

written by E

I just get so very tired of it all sometimes

9/12/2014 6 comments

a hurdle overcome

by E 9/8/2014

written by E

I’ve had my first full proper meal in front of my family instead of on my own and i haven’t purged it nor do i have any intention to

this is a crazy achievement on its own but coupled with the fact im finally okay with eating at all its crazy im still not okay with my weight but that can take a back seat.

i can’t believe this one thing has changed my view in life so dramatically. it might only be for a few hours or days idk. but its a kind of happiness of pride id forgotten i could feel. and […]

9/8/2014 6 comments

meeting an idol

by E 9/7/2014

written by E

i could be meeting somebody I’ve loved for years in about a month and a half 2 months. I’ve never been so terrified its all i can think about. but at the same time i can’t wait. I’ve stopped eating. i cant eat. its a mix of the two. idk i think despite the fear the nerves and anything else it’ll be the best night of my life possibly a good night to end it. idk. its something I’ve been thinking about the last few days. a nice way to go in the middle of the carnage of hundreds of sweating singing dancing people just […]

9/7/2014 4 comments

confused mainly tired

by E 9/6/2014

written by E

Im not sure were to start I’ve read a few posts here before but nothing more. For nearly three years I’ve wanted to die. I’ve attempted 4times only twice officially. I’ve had a mild drug problem for a year or so i think.

Im not really looking for pity or nothing im just tired im tired of it all. Im always looking for new methods as oding never works but i think what i need is a partner I’ve never been brave enough to die alone

planning on trying again after a special event in November. That should give me enough time to find someone who’ll come […]

9/6/2014 4 comments