Author

whydoiwantto

My dark passenger

by whydoiwantto 1/16/2016

written by whydoiwantto

A couple of months ago, my friend gave me a leftover patch of fentanyl for free. He did warn me about how easy it was to overdose, and told me to only take a small square (about 2cm by 2cm) due to the strength. I could say I was unprepared, but I looked it up on erowid and knew somewhat what I was getting into. I knew it was strong and instead of scaring me to it, it drew me closer. I was extremely depressed at the time, and instead of waiting for when I was in the right headspace, I took it to escape.

In […]

1/16/2016 7 comments

I don’t know

by whydoiwantto 1/2/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Sometimes I feel dissociated from life. I am consumed yet still apart from sadness or anger or depression, like I’m treading in the middle of the ocean, watching the giant crests and seeing nothing but blue and overwhelming emptiness.

My dad started drinking again after a period of forced sobriety due to drunk hospital visits. I found out by being stopped in the stairs of the apartment building and warned that he was passed out for several hours and had been drinking for several days. He had already been back to the hospital. His liver and pancreas and brain are all fucked up.

It’s like dealing with […]

1/2/2016 1 comment

Numb

by whydoiwantto 10/23/2015

written by whydoiwantto

I feel so numb. I feel like nothing around me is real. I should have told my pdoc that I attempted suicide when I had my appointment, but I guess I assumed the hospital told her since they asked for her name and I provided it. But nobody told her and I told her that nothing changed and I was still depressed and she just refilled the medicine I oded on and off I went.

My pdoc is a revolving door of pills. I don’t know if I’m having a mental break or if it’s a side effect of all these meds. Right now it’s keppra, […]

10/23/2015 4 comments

Reaching out

by whydoiwantto 10/20/2015

written by whydoiwantto

I wanted to say thank you.
The community here has been really supportive in comments and I didn’t have the chance respond. I tried to kill myself and I thought my failure was weakness. Your responses helped. Thank you for reaching out. I feel like everything is falling apart and chaotic, but having SP has been a relief. I feel like nobody else really understands. I’ve been reading here for a long time before even posting so I understand a lot of people are experiencing hard times. Maybe not the same hardship but at least it helps heing able to understand what’s going on. This […]

10/20/2015 4 comments

Sick

by whydoiwantto 10/18/2015

written by whydoiwantto

Still feeling sick. Sick like slow, tired, dizzy, nauseous… This awful headache. No appetite. Intense amounts of sleep. Going through benzo withdrawal as an unintended side effect of overdosing and the hospital prescribed hydroxyzine to help with anxiety and withdrawal symptoms. The hydroxyzine makes me tired and blank cognitively but I kind of like it because it’s better than being alone with my thoughts.

I haven’t told my family anything. We are the type of family where this sort of thing is swept under the rug and considered a weakness. I had my friend check me out of the hospital which I know was […]

10/18/2015 0 comment

Back from the hospital

by whydoiwantto 10/18/2015

written by whydoiwantto

I’m back home from the hospital. I combined a lot of xanax with alcohol but it didn’t work. Now I just feel weak and tired all over again. They gave me some sedatives so I just feel tired now. Tired and angry, angry at myself that I was unsuccessful. I feel no need to go on, no hope at all. I just want to disappear. I feel worthless because I am worthless.

10/18/2015 5 comments

Last straw

by whydoiwantto 10/1/2015

written by whydoiwantto

This is it… I’m done with pretending, I’m done with false allegations, lies that intend only to harm me. I have almost come to a sort of peace with death, that this is maybe a way to expediate the inevitable. I was born pure but was broken early, broken over and over until there was no possible recovery.

Death is my recovery. I know it’s time. The crying and pain has lessened and a sense of calm has washed over me. I feel so ready and sure. It is the most sure I have ever felt about anything in my life.

The planning stage is complete. I […]

10/1/2015 5 comments

Tired

by whydoiwantto 9/16/2015

written by whydoiwantto

I’m tired of feeling like this every day. I keep waiting for the right time, that will hurt my family the least. In between birthdays. Far away from home. I wish it was simpler, that I could make my choice and fuck all the consequences. But I have this huge guilt about leaving my friends and family, especially my brothers and my mom.

I have had many failed attempts and this has hurt my family. I want to ensure everything is successful next time. I think obsessively about methods and timing, around 10-30 times a day. I’m on anti depressants but they don’t help. The only […]

9/16/2015 4 comments

Newer Posts

Older Posts